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    • #173597
      Typ1
      Participant

      This is all very raw and fresh for me. Having a really hard time trying not to think about the great times we had. Every day and everyday things remind me of our life together and I can’t stop it. I am trying to distract myself, I’m on antidepressants that don’t seem to be doing anything and sleep is virtually non existent and my friend has had to call the nhs crisis team out. I want to hate him so much for what he put me through and the fact that he is getting on with his new life even though he constantly said he couldn’t live without me and was always asking me if I was going to stay with him for the rest of our lives. I know of the term trauma bonding but I didn’t realise how powerful it is. I wish it would all go away. I don’t feel that I will ever feel happy again.

    • #173631
      BellaBella
      Participant

      Hello Typ1,

      Your post brings a tear to me, I remember those feeling very well 🙁

      It is trauma bonding and it is the most powerful and awful trap to be in. I don’t know if it will help you but I picked the single worst thing he had done (which was monstrous) and every time my mind wandered, I pulled it back with that memory.

      I think I’m lucky in so far as there were not actually many genuine good memories at all, I have to remember that I was lied to from the start and none of the relationship was real because I met a monster in a person suit. Each memory that I though was good was either preceeded or followed by abuse and the memory created by him to gloss over a kicking or damage to property or some other frightning episode. I’m telling you this in the hope that you might be able to do something similar to help break that bond.

      Tell yourself it’s early days and you are doing well. give the meds a chance and if that doesn’t work have them reveiwed.

      It wasn’t my first rodeo with the perpetrator of my abuse so I knew exactly what his MO would be when I finally got out which was to move on and very fast, the first time round it ripped my heart out which was his intention. Now I am somewhat wiser I know that the abuser has to do that to validate themselves, if they are having ‘normal’ relationships then it seems that you were the problem, you’re not, you are having all the feelings of someone that belived promises and it’s bitterly disappointing.

      It’s hard to belive right now but you will be happy again, it takes time but start small, my first step was to make sure I never left the house looking how I felt! I also now make the effort to compliment one other woman a day, could be hair or shoes, anything to make someone smile, its infectious!

      Our minds automatically want/need closure and I belive we have to make our own. Some questions can’t be answered so we have to park them to move on.

      I referred myself for talking therapy which really helped, I do believe that it is the professional help that I had that gave me the tools to both stay out and keep moving forward, even though it seems I’m further down the recovery road than you atm, I am still utilising support, I still get triggered and start my next round of talking therapy soon and would suggest to you to take as much professional support as is available to you, they know what we are going though and are equipped to help us become stronger when we are at our weakest.

      Take good care xx

       

    • #173663
      Typ1
      Participant

      Thank you for reading, replying and sharing with me. As I’m sure you know, it helps to know you’re not alone in this.

      I can’t believe how many people are abused in this way and how the perpetrators always seem to have their next victim lined up (as has happened in my case and she is with him within a few weeks of him forcing me out). I hate myself for believing what were obviously lies. He played me like a fish and bait.

      I have self referred via the NHS but will have to wait a couple of months or so, there doesn’t seem to be a quicker way of doing things. My local DA  counselling support is at least 5 months. I am looking at private therapists but they are so expensive and it’s difficult trying to find someone who deals with this but I feel I need something now in order to get through my lowest point.

      Funnily enough I did something similar to you where I wrote down all his negative traits but I think I need to revisit that list as I realise now I’ve read about domestic abuse that looking back at what he actually did was far worse.

      I wish you the very best in your recovery xx

      • #173794
        BellaBella
        Participant

        You’re very welcome and definitely not alone!

        It’s when we share that we realise how common the themes are. On my first day of the freedom program I asked if it was possible for someone to be every single type of abuser on the diagram because he was!

        It takes a long time to actively block those intrusive thoughts but we can learn to do it.

        Thank you for your best wishes and keep going xx

    • #173678
      Yesican
      Participant

      Hi Typ1,

      It is very tough to be discarded (if you don’t mind me calling it that). I tried to leave my ex so many times and he always tried to set up another relationship before I left. So he’d be looking for women online or contacting his exes or old friends or ex colleagues. It seems like he just couldn’t be alone and needed a supply. The trauma bond is really hard to understand (or so I find) but it is real.

      I was determined to go No Contact and I paid for private counselling – only once a month as it is so expensive. I could not wait for DA counselling support. What did help was doing a Pattern Changing Course and the Freedom course. I did find the content very dated but it was great to share with other women in real life. Support is crucial, especially when you’ve just left an abuser.

      I’m a few months out and it is only now starting to get a bit easier. I do not want to get sucked back in again and I’m only now accessing my anger towards him. Especially when he tries to get access to me through my family. Not happening !

      I am beginning to see a new more hopeful future for myself and I do love the freedom and the peace that I have in my life now.

      Good luck to you and keep sharing

      • #173703
        Typ1
        Participant

        Hi Yesican,

        Thank you for your thoughts and the information. Yes, it really does help sharing.

        I have just referred myself to the Freedom Programme (hopefully) although I will have to travel as there’s nothing in my area. I haven’t found anywhere in my area that does the Pattern changing course either (women’s aid don’t cover here either) but have contacted the local DA support line.

        I too am also looking into private counselling. Unfortunately it seems to be the only way to go when you’re desperate!

        Thank you once again and good luck on your journey too x

      • #173708
        Blueskies3
        Participant

        Hi,

        I’m struggling to get any free counselling, what price range are private counsellors in please?

         

      • #173724
        Typ1
        Participant

        Hi there, I looked on  the Counselling Directory and you can see what they specialise in and whether they are accredited. From what I’ve seen in my area, private counsellors start at about £40 upwards but a lot of them offer cheaper fees if you’re in reduced circumstances.
        I haven’t started yet but am waiting to hear from a couple. Fingers crossed.

        Good luck x

      • #173858
        Blueskies3
        Participant

        Thank you x

         

    • #173684
      EvenSerpentsShine
      Participant

      I feel like I remember lots of the good times too, and there are genuinely a lot of great things that we did together. I’m hoping one day I can reach a point where I can extract the good stuff from amongst all the rest and take it with me into the future. What BellaBella says is very interesting though, in that those good times were almost always a ‘before or after’ abusive times, and when you see them in the context of a circle of abuse they aren’t always separate but a part of the bigger picture. There may be a lovely holiday photo of you both smiling on a beach but you know that 2 days later he was yelling in the hotel room about some insignificant ‘wrong’ you’d done.
      We drive ourselves crazy thinking it would all be ok if we could just separate out the good from the bad but that’s never going to happen.

      once you believe that he isn’t capable of change, (and honestly, all the evidence shows that change is very very unlikely in these situations unless they work really hard in an abusers programme) then you will réalisé that his next relationship will be the same. Of course he’s in the love bombing stage now, so it will all look good from the outside, but he won’t change and she will pretty soon be the victim of it.

      i second the idea of going on a freedom or (programme name removed by Moderator) programme from your DG service. Also there are a lot of books out there which will help tide you over until you can get some counseling.

      • #173704
        Typ1
        Participant

        Thank you for sharing. Oh it’s so true what you are saying! I am still in the stage of hanging onto “the good times” and believing that he did love me. I hope that at some point I will be able to get past that and live a happy life.

    • #173685
      EvenSerpentsShine
      Participant

      Sorry meant to write DV service, not DG.

    • #173711
      Yesican
      Participant

      I forgot to mention the online courses Bloom at Chayn. Maybe while you’re waiting for the freedom programmed to start.
      i read a lot too, Lundy Bancroft and Don Hennessy. I took any piece of help that i could while I was in crisis I.e.  when I thought I might reach out to him. Ticking off each day of No Contact is very satisfying too.

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