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    • #143536
      Newgirl
      Participant

      Hey all so today I feel I have no fight in me and of course todays the day he decides to ask if I want to stay in the relationship why do the pick our low days and not the right moment I was working 🙄 I know I need to pick myself up and I’m sure that will happen at some point x I hate the rollercoaster x

    • #143541
      The Duchess
      Participant

      Hi there sorry to hear your feeling low today , unfortunately this happens in these type of dynamics in the relationship and out . It’s like they got a radar , they do pick their moments. I think you need to focus on why you want the relationship to end and I know it’s really hard , but if you have made that step away , that’s a huge thing to do , it won’t be easy at first , but you have to try and find the strength to stick to it . Your exhausted already , being back in it won’t make you feel any better. We all get the ups & downs , mine was the weekend also , even though I’m away now for a few months , I still get my good & bad days . I made the right decision for me and my family and this is what you need to concentrate on , it’s not about him remember this , it’s about you , your happiness, future , peace of mind and wellbeing xx

      • #143543
        Newgirl
        Participant

        Thank you I want it to end as I know it’s toxic I know I could be happy on my own and I don’t have any care or love for him at all! Realising and accepting the years of mind games etc has been hard but I have got there now I just feel numb towards him. I wanted to scream no I don’t but why couldn’t I do it? I feel so weak he kind of gave me the out option that I want but I was at work
        I know it’s best for the kids and I to go it’s just doing it x I’m sorry you too have bad days also it’s so hard isn’t it x

    • #143544
      The Duchess
      Participant

      Very complex , I too was like that , many time he used to say to me if you have no feelings for me I just walk away or tell me it’s over and I can move on , I too couldn’t find a voice , for me it wasn’t because I didn’t love him although that was dying , it was more of the fact I just couldn’t take it anymore , nothing was changing . In the end it wasn’t a relationship at all , he was constantly drunk every day , I just thought what am I hanging on for ? I could do so much on my own without having this day in and out. This is exactly what I did , I actually just texted him it’s over , firstly got barage of abuse , intimidation, blackmail, threats , all of which I ignored and it stopped, but I’ve managed to get my life back on track , something you will too , it’s a relief and a sadness, years wasted , heartache, but at least your future will be happier and brighter without him . Your unhappy now , it doesn’t get any better as you know. Find your voice and the strength to walk away xx

      • #143546
        Newgirl
        Participant

        Thank you so much for sharing that as that’s exactly how I am. He drinks every night and constantly asks but I just can’t say it I don’t love him I have completely checked out of this relationship. I think I may have to stay here once it’s over to sort somewhere to live which is why I think I’m hoping he makes that choice of ending it as then I can stay here till I find a house. If I texted him which my god I want to do so bad and I may end up doing it I wonder if I can stay still till I find somewhere but worst case I would have to leave kids till I’ve sorted somewhere then get them they are older so it’s not too bad. You have given me hope thank you so much for that I really appreciate that from the bottom of my heart. Xxxx

      • #143547
        Newgirl
        Participant

        Also it isn’t a relationship here it’s just the same day in day out very little conversation and just living in the same house so Your words really touched me as it sounds so similar x

    • #143548
      The Duchess
      Participant

      Ahhh that’s so kind of you , I really know how you must feel , I went through motions , but was not feeling it , as you are saying , no conversation, no relationship , it became habit . Something small he had done compared to previous incidents was just the last straw and I just went I’m done , it will probably come to you also . One thing I must advise do not expect him to leave as this will not happen, you have to end it , you have to get him to go from the home or you will end up having to leave . If you truly are done with this toxic environment then start planning to be safe and away from him , say it nd follow through , don’t let him intimidate you in anyway to stay with him . Think of you and your needs , it’s not what he wants , this is your time now . Good luck hun , you can do this xx

      • #143553
        Newgirl
        Participant

        Thank you so much I really appreciate it x x it’s his house so I will need to leave but that’s ok I think like you say it will just happen and I need to stop thinking about it so much and letting it get me down x well done for doing it and also for helping others on here x

    • #143549
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Similar to you both it took me forever to find the words, he too was constantly drunk. I got to the point of hating weekends or bank holidays, anytime we spent together. Like you I was hoping he’d end it, hoping he’d threaten it in a fight and I could say ok let’s split but they won’t. We’re their supply and when things are good they threaten to leave to make us scared to lose them and try harder, but it’s like they sense when not to say it. In the end each argument I got a bit closer, I’d say I’m not happy in this relationship, we don’t work together etc until it grew to ‘if this happens again (verbal nastiness, name calling, withholding money etc) I said it’s over, two weeks later it did and I said I’m done. He tried silent treatment for weeks, then pretending those weeks hadn’t happened and we were still together, then nastiness again when that failed, to finally saying he was going to start seeing other ppl but this whole time he’s not left, he’s stopped paying any bills and still has his nasty & overly nice days. It’s tough. What helped me was asking myself what I wanted my life to be in 12 months time or 5 years time – and the answer was definitely not like this. I started making plans for housing – looked into council, scoured private renting, researched occupation orders, researched benefits and help – in other words taking baby steps. Even now with my new place lined up I’m struggling to rip the plaster and go completely but this journey has helped to cement I’m doing the right thing. Don’t rely on him to help make the decision any easier, you got this xx

      • #143555
        Newgirl
        Participant

        I have found out what benefits I can get and also the council can help with deposit so I have those details I keep looking at private renting as I’m a bit worried the temp housing will be awful for the kids before getting a council house x I know it won’t get better and I know I’m done I know I don’t want this life anymore it’s purely finding the voice now the rest will hopefully follow x x x good luck for your new place please keep sharing with us as I love to see hope it really helps x

    • #143552
      The Duchess
      Participant

      I think if you both read back on your posts that you have just written describing the relationships you are both in , all I can read and sense is pure unhappiness, let this be your driving force to continue to move forward away from these abusive drunk individuals, your right , your lives will not change , probably will get worse , you both deserve so much better than this , my ex was a raging alcoholic, abusive , controlling, intimidating, blackmailing, game player ,cheating , liar reduced me to near breaking point , I found the strength, my voice to say I deserve better than this and I’m not allowing you to destroy my life any further, you can destroy yours , but your not dragging me down with you . Both ladies don’t let your life be ruined anymore, there’s so much more out there to live , this is not living , you both can do this , be strong xx

      • #143556
        Newgirl
        Participant

        Arrrrrr thank you so much for your inspiring words and all your help honestly you have given me some light in this storm x I can’t thank you enough x x x I will find this strength to find my voice to be happy and to be free of this abuse. Well done for all you have achieved and for putting you first and also still helping us x you are amazing 😊

    • #143576
      The Duchess
      Participant

      I wish you both the very best of happiness for the future, keep going , onwards & upwards ! ❤️

    • #143579
      Mellow
      Participant

      I’ve been in your situation try and stick with the initial decision he has caused you upset .you can’t stay or his behaviour will carry on especially if he is a n********t they don’t change .I went I left the house and came back I made excuses when really I wanted to leave him when I came back he didn’t even speak of why I went just about himself he started acting if he was gunna end it but forgave me and said he’s going to leave it was just mind games in the end I didn’t really know why I was crying because I was all upset over it later I ended it for good because I thought to myself I just left and he’s making me the bad one when it was his doing in the first place the games will continue hun

      • #143580
        Newgirl
        Participant

        Thank you so much for your reply honestly I don’t know how I would get through it without you all x things won’t change 1 because I’m past that stage now and 2 because I know they don’t change
        As the duchess said earlier I just need to find my voice and then it will be ok I do have support from my family (but not that we could go and stay with) I just need to stop focusing on it and let it just happen and then I know it will be ok x there is no other way for this relationship to go now x

    • #143582
      Mellow
      Participant

      I’m passed that stage too you know in yourself you are I get nervous thinking he will kick of any moment just had adrenaline through me not too long ago as you don’t know when they will be awful he was nice this morning then a sudden change cause he dosent want to give information up about the kids which I should know

      • #143585
        Newgirl
        Participant

        We will get there x x x when we are there in our heads there is no turning back. They go from nice ish to off too not talking etc I can’t be doing with it

    • #143583
      The Duchess
      Participant

      Seriously don’t stay or let him manipulate you , they damage everything they touch , I’m suffering from PTSD as a result of my abusive relationship, run , don’t walk , I wouldn’t want anyone to go through what I did and I’m still struggling even after leaving with my well-being xx

      • #143586
        Newgirl
        Participant

        I’m so sorry to hear that lovely x x i know it won’t be roses when I get out and I know there will still be ups and downs x it’s rebuilding and finding who you are again and that must be so hard when you have spent so long in the relationship. They really don’t know the damage they can do and it’s cruel x if we can help in any way please let us know you have been amazing and your words have really helped. I hope you are able to smile soon and repair x we are here for you x I know this is only one stage in the recovery but small steps hunny x x x

    • #143592
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      Yep me too sweetie.
      I see it all now maybe just a small piece of me accepts it now for what it is I hate living like this I dont love him at all I still have to fight every day to go to work to go college to be able to better myself he hates it.
      Today is (detail removed by moderator) and we should be goung away for a weekend he loves weekends away as they are full of what he likes to do but we have had to cancel and he is so fed up he says his day has been ruined he has sulked like a child ive tfied ao hard to make it special but nothing jas cheered him up. He expects me to dress up for him tonight in the bedroom and ive told him I cant so again he is sulking and i feel so full of guilt I feel like im the bad guy all the time like all this is me. I dont love him i dont show him affection anymore I hate sex I am to blame.
      But then theres that little voice that reminds me what he says how bad he makes me feel the picks the threats the nastyness I remember why i dont love him but I just dont know why i cant leave maybe cause ive been here for over (detail removed by moderator) its what im ised to now.
      I cant even make plans to go it scares me too much do you know what some days i really do think its all just in my head its so hard isnt it.
      Sweetie I hope you find your way I really do.
      Ive learnt to stand firm to do things regardless hes gonna be cross anyway so i may as well do thinhs i want stand firm stand tall find some support and run sweetie thats my advice. Xx

    • #143595
      The Duchess
      Participant

      I began to realise myself in the relationship you can’t win if you try , you can’t win if you don’t , I was told I wasn’t giving him enough attention. When I tried harder I was then told I was bothering him too much . So which is it ? I’m sure they make the rules as they go along , it is not humanly possible to have a happy fulfilling relationship with these people, there are too many conditions, rules , it’s all about their wants , needs , not about you , we just serve a purpose to them , cater to their whims and desires . In the process we are sent crazy , abused , controlled, drained of all energy and enthusiasm for anything. We become their remote controlled girlfriend/ wife , we are allowed no voice , no happiness, no opinion, no intelligence. They feel they are the puppet masters , we allow them to pull our strings , play games with our minds and I’m sure they enjoy torturing us . I often wonder if roles were reversed and we did same to them how many would stay ?

    • #143599
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      You you most certainly right there.
      We will never ever do right for them no matter well in my case he wants me at home 24/7 cleaning doing his jobs attending all his needs dressed how he wants looking how he likes not talking looking or visiting anyone or anywhere.
      He will be happy then. He told me (detail removed by moderator) how he hated seeing me happy and how i should be at home cleaning looking after him.
      Looking back when i was a stay at home mum he would moan and make me feel guilty for staying at home!!!!
      What am I doing here trying to make this work when Im not sure I even want too. X

    • #143605
      The Duchess
      Participant

      Exactly ! How the hell you meant to make it work ? It’s self destruct all the way , we carry on like we waiting for approval, my ex treated me like a child , I think stuff he was doing to me is weird and I would worry him being around a young girl ! Things I think back on now and think it’s not right , but at the time went along with it all thinking maybe I’m wrong in my thinking & attitude. They are too much hard work to stay with and I can honestly say hand on heart in all the years I was with my ex , I can think of scattered moments of happiness, but not days or months , it’s constant drama , day in and out , I can’t for the life of me understand how they can think it’s a happy, normal , loving relationship. In my case he was a drunk , raging alcoholic by the end of the relationship as drink took hold of him badly , no matter how much I tried to help him stop , his on a path of sucide! Bottom line hates himself & his life wanted to destroy mine with all his insecurities and short comings. Hide his emotions at the end of a bottle then lash out at me as he hates himself. I was staying out of guilt , pity , but like so many didn’t deserve the treatment I got just because I had a good heart and wanted to see the better side of him . These people do not deserve our love , we deserve to be with people that make us want to shine not to try and cast shade on us as they are so insecure in the relationship and jealous of us , genuine love does not take pleasure in seeing someone they say they love hurt , crying , weak or vulnerable , they meant to make you feel wanted , safe , needed , respected & loved xx

    • #143607
      Newgirl
      Participant

      We are kind loving caring people and that’s not a bad trait to have. They have/are taking advantage of us! Did he ever admit to being an alcoholic? As here he doesn’t! He drinks every night can start late afternoon but doesn’t have a problem you can’t help someone who can’t admit they have a problem. He would love for me not to have a job and actually the whole covid and work from home has played right in his hands! It takes a while to realise that you deserve better but once that hits there is no way back I am excited about getting out just need to find my voice that’s my struggle at the moment
      They certainly make the rules up as they go along and it is impossible for us to ever please them. I have used health conditions saying I have no interest in sex and he doesn’t like it at all but I’m not giving in I don’t want sex with him. I think we just get to the point that we know and it’s one of the steps to our freedom I need to stop focusing on my voice and believe it will happen when the time is right. We don’t deserve this we are kind people but it’s now time we are kind to ourselves xxxxx hugs to you all x

    • #143686
      Lostandconfused123
      Participant

      Reading this whole thread I cant even begin to explain how much of it I can relate to. Its crazy and so very sad that there are so many of us who have been through or are going through the same thing. I spent a long time thinking it was normal, the abuse, the gaslighting, the silent treatment, belitting comments etc. It took something very small considering everything I went through to break me and decide I’d had enough and had to leave. Someone above said they got to the point where they hated weekends, that was me too 100%. I used to dread the evenings as well when he would drink and when the abuse would get worse. I would wish the evenings away and look forward to Monday morning when I could escape to work. Despite all of this is took me such a long time to get out.
      To all of you who haven’t got away yet but are making steps towards doing so, please believe in yourself and keep coming to this forum for reassurance if you need it. It has been such a saviour for me. I still have dark days, and I’m still getting abuse from my ex via text message, but I’m so much stronger than I was. Love to you all x*x

      • #143715
        Newgirl
        Participant

        Thank you for joining this thread and sharing your journey x well done for putting you first and having the courage to leave that’s huge and it’s amazing that you are so much stronger now x the bad days I guess are expected but hopefully they ease in time x I am honestly so excited to leave and I can’t wait to feel stronger to do it x this site has helped me more than I ever could realise I am so thankful I found you all

    • #143689
      The Duchess
      Participant

      My ex when we started dating his how much of a problem it really was , he was a high functioning alcoholic, lost his job , his home , it went downhill from there . I tried everything to get him to go and get help , he wasn’t so bad in the beginning with his drinking , now I’m being told , prepare to hear at some point he has passed away , as his drinking has took hold of him . He says he is an alcoholic, but I still think in denial of the actual alcoholism. To me now he has chosen his path and that was the drink , if it’s effecting the relationship as it was then it’s a problem. I don’t believe it’s a disease as he has a choice , he chose to drink , he blacks out , it’s no life for anyone being with a drunk , they are compulsive liars , cheaters , abusers etc , they will never accept responsibility and pass blame on anyone as it’s an excuse for them .

    • #143690
      The Duchess
      Participant

      I think also in these relationships a lot of it is addict behaviour, the mind games , abuse , violence , lying , cheating , paranoia. Personally feel these traits of there’s are exasperated by the addiction. When my ex was on a bender he would call me saying he wanted to kill him self of that he had been raped was one story I got . He was also seeing things that were not there , imagining all sorts of weird things , but I would get it , my fault for whatever was happening. As much as I loved him , I had to walk away for me , I seriously couldn’t take the life anymore, ups / downs of an addict . Until they get help for their demons they will never realise what they have done to their loved ones , or damage they have caused , it will always be someone else’s fault, they deep down hate themselves for what they are and in my thinking feel inadequate so they project their insecurities onto us x

      • #143714
        Newgirl
        Participant

        This sounds so similar and I think you are right. I don’t think they will accept that they are doing it! He kept coming upstairs accusing me of playing with myself I was either reading or going to sleep so yes he is imagining things. I’ve started exercising to make me feel a bit better about myself and my word he don’t like it I was in the (detail removed by moderator) an hour and a half and he said it twice then asked what I had been doing! Also I’m getting my hair cut he wants to know why I’m changing it 🙄 these may all sound petty things but they all add up and I too dread his days off I dread him coming home from work in fact I dread him! I’m so ready to go I just need to say it but I’ve stopped obsessing over it as it will just happen when it happens. I wouldn’t be where I am now without everyone here, everyone being brave enough to talk about their journey and for us to see the similarities of things we actually didn’t consider. Thank you so much x

    • #143716
      The Duchess
      Participant

      You carry on with your path , he sounds jealous as he knows he is losing control over you , I would advise you to be in a safe place when you do tell him , his obviously possessive and you may get problems from him . If an option is to leave him without saying it’s over , my advice would be to do this , it’s not easy to get away from these people, it’s all power & control , please be safe xx

      • #143720
        Newgirl
        Participant

        Thank you lovely
        I honestly don’t think I will be able too but if it comes to it then I will have too but that would mean leaving the kids here while I sort housing. If it wasn’t for the kids I would have gone years ago. He certainly doesn’t like it at all! He has lost control and I think he’s starting to realise but I’m not stopping x I will stay safe lovely and thank you for your advise x x x

    • #143721
      Lostandconfused123
      Participant

      New girl,that is 100% jealousy and the fact he can tell he is losing control of you! The patterns in the behaviour of these men is so similar its scary! When are you planning on making your escape?
      My ex is currently claiming he is a new man, given up drinking totally, also giving up smoking apparently….he says me leaving has given him a kick and he has turned his life around. He says he still loves me. This comes the day after I get a load of abuse texted to me about how I’m such an awful person for leaving him along with some quite unpleasant threats. As soon as I feel like I’m getting somewhere, there he is again!!
      Anyway, what I’m trying to say without making this feed about me is I’m learning this is a journey and it won’t all be smooth. But its a process,and this forum really helps to get through it! Xx

      • #143745
        Newgirl
        Participant

        It’s about all of us so please never worry about posting about your journey that’s what we are all here for xxxx I’m sorry that he is still plying the mind games with you and just stay strong you are doing amazing and don’t forget that x I am literally waiting for the right time then I’m off x x x I know it won’t stop there but I can not answer the phone I can shut my door and feel safe that’s what I’m looking forward too x hang on in there x x x

    • #143723
      The Duchess
      Participant

      By your ex trying all sorts of tactics to get you back in the relationship, the threats , abuse , then changing it again to saying what he thinks will win it for him , the reasons you left , he now overnight is a changed man. You know hopefully by now it’s all c**p to get you back , draw you in , nothing has changed . It’s all tactics to get you to engage with them .

    • #143753
      Lostandconfused123
      Participant

      Oh gosh yes, I do know it’s all part of the game. Hoovering I think it’s called…But as much as I know it’s all tactics and if I were to go back (which I’m not going to) it would eventually go back to how it was if not worse, it doesn’t make it any easier to stomach. I feel awful again today. Hopefully the good days will start to outweigh the bad ones again, but this weekend has been a tough one. Thank you ladies for your support and kind words as always x

    • #143754
      The Duchess
      Participant

      I’m struggling myself with all this especially the last week , it seems as time has gone on I feel worse emotionally. I should be happy his left me alone and stayed quiet and yet I feel rejected now ? I was the one who ended it , ignored everything, made the decision to move on for good and I hate myself for feeling like this lately . I thought I was stronger and determined to get over it , my mind playing tricks with me all the time , questioning things he has said . I should be further along than what Iam , not consumed still of what he is doing x

      • #143777
        Newgirl
        Participant

        Please don’t be hard on yourself you have done so much in accepting and leaving and it’s ok to have these moments you have been treated awful for years so your mind will play tricks on you but stay strong lovely as good days are coming and it doesn’t matter how far along you are you are getting there x

    • #143769
      Lostandconfused123
      Participant

      Duchess, please don’t be so hard on yourself. Its a journey and like you have told me before, there will be bad and good days. Personally I think I found it easier at the start to remember the reasons why I was leaving whereas now I think they are becoming a bit blurry. I’m planning on starting a journal to make notes about how I’m feeling and if a memory pops into my head about something he said to me, I will write it down. I think my brain has trained itself to forget the bad things, because I spent such a long time brushing the abuse under the carpet. So now I struggle sometimes to remember everything I went through. Maybe that would help you too if its not something you already do? I’m also going to revisit some of our text conversations because I know there are things in there that, whilst difficult to read, will remind me why I’ve done what I’ve done and cement the fact I can never end up in that place again! Xx

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