Having a much better day got rid off his belongings!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hello ladies. I have had a much positive day today. I spent the majority of the weekend reading letters he wrote to me whilst we were dating, sobbing while reading them feeling utter and complete heartbreak. It wasn’t the best thing I could have done it was like I was punishing myself but it has helped with my healing.

He got into trouble before we married and ended up in prison (he didn’t assault me or anything) and it absolutely broke my heart. Those letters told me how much he loved me, how he was nothing without me, thanking me for standing by him and telling me I would never regret it. But, it made me realise something. He will feel my loss because he couldn’t cope during that time without me he would tell me how I was the only thing keeping him going. But now he has lost me forever this is not temporary this is permanent we are very close to being divorced. He thought if I stood with him through that I would never leave him boy has this really thrown him he contacted me last year and said he can’t believe what’s happened. What he means is he can’t believe that I had the strength to leave he thought my love for him was unconditional he knew he had crossed the line so he thought anything he did now would be forgivable and he could keep getting away with everything he did behind my back.

No matter how much of a monster he is it will still hit him! He knew I was out of his league which is why he decided to destroy me because as soon as my eyes opened to how I can do better his biggest fear would come true…I would leave him. I was the only thing that kept him going through that time he dreamt and talked about us marrying and spending our lives together. He kept talking about how hard he is to understand and how I understand him completely. I now reflect and realise I don’t understand his psychoticness I understand that yes he is very insecure and he feels inferior to a lot of people in life because he didn’t have the same opportunities as most people growing up which is why he is so unhinged and his close family members are the same so they control and manipulate one another but show the world they are close and so loving. Too close for my liking I found the way they behave with one another very disturbing almost incest like.

I then find a diary I wrote when I was married and at a complete loss as to how I would make my marriage work, how I was so sad and confused as to how I could have both my parents and my husband in my life at the same time. My emotions with him are up and down the diary talks about how we had a good few days to how he’s really upset that there are issues between me and his immediate family (it was all a game so that he could pretend he put me before his family so I should do the same by leaving when in fact he has never done anything of the sort. The family knew my family would need to be eliminated so they all plotted together).

There was nothing there about how he understood how I felt about my parents and my husband not getting on with one another, how he tried to make the relationship work with them for me as it would make me happy. The diary was all about me tending to his needs, taking on his problems and completely disregarding my own. All those promises about being equal, looking after my family were all non existent! Him being a criminal and my parents knowing about it made him feel inferior so he tried everything possible to keep them at arms length! Then he would say they aren’t doing enough to build a relationship with him but when they would contact him he would tell them he will phone the police but of course I never knew this and my parents never told me this as they were afraid I would confront him and then he may hit me as he was very aggressive towards them (but never did he do this in front of me so it would look like they had the problem and not him).

Going to prison made him feel inferior to me and inadequate that he outrightly refused to acknowledge anything that made me happy or anyone thag was important to me. It was all one sided. I wrote things like he isn’t angry with me he’s angry with the situation but it feels like he was angry with me. I have alarm bells ringing now! My family never approved me marrying a man with a criminal record I became besotted with him and drew to him even more during this time I was adamant I loved him and the only way to prove that was by standing by him and marrying him. I knew I deserved better but I was so head over heels and emotionally strung I couldn’t see the wood for the trees.

What I’m trying to say is if you feel you deserve better you probably do. Take a step back and think about things because if you can be completely disregarded whilst you are engaged/in a long term relationship he will continue to take advantage of you throughout your married life. I have spent so long feeling like it’s my fault for marrying him I chose him but you know what I’ve discarded him from my life and I go to sleep with no regrets. He was the one texting and flirting with girls whilst I lay asleep next to him because he thought he could do anything he wanted and I would forgive him. He thought I had mug written across my forehead but what he was never intelligent enough to realise was the biggest mug was him! He’s the biggest mug for underestimating me and underestimating my family he thought they would disown me for leaving my husband, marrying a man they didn’t accept and marrying a man with a criminal record.

Reading those letters were so painful and emotionally letting his presence back into my life was sooo disturbing I understand now why no contact is so important. I feel by getting rid of anything relating to him in my room has mentally decluttered my mind and made me feel much more positive and I’ve had such a productive day. I woke up went to the gym, did interview prep, did some chores and realised God is on my side. I will only take anything which is beneficial for me in life now whether that’s a man, a job. I will not settle for less than I deserve and I drove to an area after the gym and I looked at my dream – owning an apartment there. It gave me the vision of my dream and made me realise I had dreams whilst I was with him but they could never happen when I was involved with such evil.

I have found my local freedom programme and I am going for my first session this week 😊. Now I’m off work I will use this time to do everything possible to focus on my recovery. I am focusing on me and being kind to myself by resting, eating well, sleeping well, exercising, socialising because if I even think about that monster it makes me ill. I’m booking a holiday for my birthday and I have some time away booked soon as well. I will live a happy, safe, content life all I want to do is be happy. Simply because throwing out associated with that terrible time can change your life. X*x

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