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Feeling really low again after having the feeling for a couple of weeks that things, and I myself, were picking up again. Today I’ve ended up bringing my duvet downstairs and trying to rest. I’ve got to get myself together to pick daughter up.
It’s probably because I saw my parents yesterday. People on here often talk about triggers and I suppose this is one for me. It’s got me back to thinking over my whole life, how i ended up marrying an abusive man, how little I must have thought of myself, to think that’s all I was worth. I keep coming back to the thought that Mum thought this. That I had to be married to be worth anything. Even though that’s not what I thought.
None of this is helping me at the moment. I’m sure it’s because I’m trying to help her as best as I can right now, but it’s getting me down.
Just needed to put it down somewhere.
Eve
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Hi Eve,
I am glad that you had this duvet day. Sometimes we need it. We have been through so much, sometimes we need to retreat from the world and wrap ourselves up in the proverbial blanket.
We think marriage will be an anchor, that it will give us security and meaning, but if we end up with the wrong partner, it can become hell on earth.
A friend of mine emailed me yesterday. A lovely lady, intelligent, beautiful, kind, clever- lousy history with men. She said that we just married bad men, and that we need to cling to the fact that we are free.
I was reading last week that the reason that it is so hard to get over abusive relationships is because they signify such loss: loss of self, loss of respect, loss of real intimacy, loss of confidence, loss of peace, loss of direction, loss of laughter, loss of money, etc…
The article said that the way to counteract these huge feelings of loss is to get ourselves to focus on what we do have, and to try to restore the ‘lost’ areas.
Thus, engaging in a kind of sensory gratitude- gratitude for the sun, the smell of flowers, the smell of morning coffee, for the post man who delivers the post, the cat at our feet, the daily newspaper that brings us news, the freshness of the orange we eat- I kind of ‘gratitude marathon’!
This might sound a bit far fetched, but really, it is like putting coins in an empty piggy bank. The abusers have robbed us of so much peace and joy, we need to fill the piggy bank up again ( in fact, get ourselves out of the ‘debt’- our happiness levels are so below the norm at times like this).
Then, we need to look at the areas where we feel we have suffered loss and been robbed, and take action to counteract this.
For example:
Loss of direction- write out your values, hopes and dreams- make a five year plan for yourself.
Loss of confidence- do something daring.
Loss of peace- engage in peaceful rituals; engage in some work which contributes towards peace for others ( charity work, a fundraiser etc).
Loss of confidence as a woman- engage in pampering rituals, eat healthily, but some nice jewellery and do your hair nicely, buy a few nice items of clothing, plan your wardrobe and think about what your style is.
Loss of money- read up on frugal living tips, ways to save, collect and access vouchers, feel empowered by taking control of your budget.
Look at the ways in which you might be doing things which aren’t healthy for you and make you feel worse: are you an emotional eater, drinker, spender? What healthier behaviours can you replace these with?
Of course, these are just things that will help kick start the process of healing. As we know, the damage is deep, but all these things can play a part in healing.
Having said that, I think it is only natural that you will have bad days. Tomorrow is another day.
I am sure seeing your parents was a trigger. Just think, many of your mother’s generation had abusive partners and societal pressures meant that they felt forced to stay with them. A woman’s identity was so reliant upon marriage. Thank God things are changing.
Take good care of yourself on days like these. X
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Lovely ideas in here – hope you won’t mind me borrowing a few x
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Hi Eve1
When you feel down, read some books or articles on abuse.
You didn’t marry an abuser because you didn’t value yourself. You and I married an abuser because we didn’t know any better. We didn’t know that their manipulation was abuse. I didn’t know that my father insulting my mother was abuse and I never saw my father assault my mother so when I met my husband and he was a little jealous and verbally abusive, I thought oh he must be like my father but he would never hit me. I didn’t know anything about escalation of abuse.
My mother jumped through many hoops to please my father. But I could never stand for it. I’m “too mouthy” “too opinionated” “too honest”. Many times my mother lied to my father to keep the peace but I just couldn’t lie and even if I was forced to I hated it and would always come clean be d****d the consequences. I always told my husband what he was doing wrong and towards the end hinted that I would leave if he didn’t change.
Never in a million years did I think that my husband would physically assault me the way he did. I was afraid but I didn’t know why. I though I was being irrational. Everyone around me said I was being irrational and no one would come out and say call Women’s Aid.
Now I know. Now I won’t let any red flags pass. It happens to all women who are vulnerable and not knowledgeable abut red flags and abuse.
Grieving widower? Is that actually true or just looking for sympathy. Most genuine widowers won’t reveal something like this quickly in a relationship.
Rich man? Does he think he can buy you? Does he let you pay for anything? If he is really rich why does he need money from you. Most sensible rich people have assets and liquid cash. As the saying a fool and his money are soon parted.
Has he found out some sort of vulnerability in you and offered to “help”?
Don’t feel sorry for them……Does anyone really feel sorry for you and hand you thousands of money notes in cash. No that’s not genuine.
Do not let them get entangled in your life too quickly. Maintain distance. If they won’t maintain distance, that’s a red flag to me.
This lady had known this man for two months before handing over thousand of pounds of assets and cash. She let herself get emotionally over involved too quickly. As they say in love with the idea of the relationship with a fantasy man instead of the real man in front of us.
My husband had red flags but I didn’t even know they were red flags. He was very critical of other women. He had few friends and he had problems communicating. He also got into a jealous rage twice in in the first 6 months and obviously blamed me! I thought it was all my fault for talking to men! I felt so guilty!
I hadn’t even done anything wrong. It’s not you, it’s them. If you aren’t well there is no way you can help your mum. As for my mum, I’ve left her and my dad to their own devices. They are adults and I’m not letting them have a negative impact on my life any more.
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We all have those days. I sometimes worry like you that I’ll never want to get out there again, but I always do. I guess I t’s good to take a break from the world *for a short while* and be careful to get back out there before it gets too comfy. Thinking of you, take care x
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