12th February 2020 at 4:59 pm #97582
Had a difficult week. He has been away most of it following an argument last week.
He suggested night out but I can’t go due to family event.
He’s now suggesting councelling. I said ok but best we stay apart until we find some ways to manage our bickers that escalate.
He didn’t like that and within the same day we are now back at getting a divorce.
It feels so sudden and surreal.
I don’t know if he means it or if it’s another tactic.
I’m doubting everything, emotional, crying as I get flashbacks of happy moments and wonder why he has to have this other side. I wonder if the other side is deliberate or is he just a hot head who is then too stubborn to back down. Given it’s mostly verbal and he’s never actually hit me it’s hard because everything is down to perception and guess work. There have been flashes of being shoved or grabbed (which isn’t ok) but that aspect didn’t escalate.
If he genuinely wanted to try again and change would he not have accepted my suggestion of councelling but staying apart until we know it’s helping? It’s all or nothing. I’m scared to just let him back then find myself in the same place in 6 months. I’m scared of finishing and not fully knowing without doubt I’m doing the right thing. It’s like reading a book and having to put it down before reading the last chapter. I want to know how it would play out in the end! Or know if the sequel is any good!
12th February 2020 at 6:14 pm #97587
CS Lewis said ‘you cant go back and change the beginning but you can start now and change the ending’. I only regret not ending it sooner although I really spent decades trying to.
He doesn’t want to go to counselling and was expecting you to reconcile on his worthless promise but then you didn’t go along with his plan so he threatens you with divorce to get you to back down.
Imagine the rest of your life living in this world of confusion. That’s what abuse does.
If he’s out, please don’t let him back. If he’s behaving like this when you’re separated can you imagine how quickly his abuse will escalate when he’s back.
12th February 2020 at 8:10 pm #97595HettyParticipant
Agree with kip. He thought he could come back based on his meaningless empty promises. He’s most likely now trying to call your bluff. He’ll fully expect you to have him back. Be prepared for the increase in mind games or the mr nice guy routine. Keep him out. Get some support x*x
12th February 2020 at 11:28 pm #97598
Thanks – and you are both right.
I offered an olive branch earlier during wobble (said I thought he should come to the family event and maybe it would help us feel a bit better about things if we could do something normal like that). Well, he didn’t come and I kinda felt the branch being chucked back because we weren’t doing things on his terms. Still, I’m glad I offered because I can look back and know I didn’t put blockers and I wasn’t unreasonable (it was a significant event for a family member that he should have wanted to be at and I didn’t want to be the person to block that. He had planned on attending when he thought he was getting to come back tonight – when he realised one thing didn’t equal the other he lost interest)
He has arranged a time to come over and pick up his stuff when I won’t be here in the next few days. But he changes with the wind – I need to be ready for it.
I’ve started a journal because brain fog makes it hard to remember one day to the next. I often find myself remembering how I feel after an argument but can’t then remember the catalyst that it was even about.
13th February 2020 at 7:11 am #97600
Expect guilt tripping and blaming you for him missing the family event. All of a sudden it will be the most important thing and he will be devastated that he missed it because of you etc etc. Also, don’t let him back in the home. If he has any rights to be there. On the tenancy or mortgage he’s going nowhere. I’d change the locks and dump his stuff at a friend or relative. Don’t believe a word he says. They simply change the goal posts. It’s a very dangerous time for you and I can see his behaviour escalating to a dangerous level. Your memory loss is because of trauma. When we are traumatised our brain shuts down and goes back to the fight flight or freeze mode to protect us from perceived danger. Our rational brain shuts down. That’s why you won’t remember what the arguments were about because your brain is focused on your safety. Knowledge Is Power. The trauma is also extremely damaging to your immune system and can badly affect heart, endocrine system. That’s why many women who are abused also have health problems. I had thyroid. Heart palpitations, chest pains, constants headache. Hormone problems, miscarriage and fibromyalgia as other side effects of trauma and stress. Don’t underestimate the effect of abuse. Look after yourself x
13th February 2020 at 12:49 pm #97607
His latest tactic this morning is to offer me an olive branch – if I accept I was at fault last week the maybe we can move on from it.
I’ve responded that we have different recollections, it not reasonable to expect me to say something I don’t believe and if that is what it hinges on then that will be that. I’ve said I think we need to take some time apart and I am willing to seek joint councelling before I make any final decisions.
I feel he is testing me to see if I will concede – if I do and he is an abuser then where will that lead to!
I just don’t want the pressure of committing to a big decision right now, I want a chance to heal and reflect and get a bit stronger.
I suspect he worries if he is gone from the house I’ll quite enjoy the freedom and is trying to block that happening.
I think he had the right to live here as we are married and police have t been involved. I therefore am trying to not create a situation he decides I’m not going to give him a chance so he refuses to leave out of badness.
13th February 2020 at 4:01 pm #97617
It doesn’t matter what you do. He has the right to return. He’s not going to be reasonable. It’s much easier if he’s left the marital home to get an occupation order. Once he decides to return you won’t have the chance again until he assaults you. Have you spoken to a solicitor? Most offer free initial advice. Did he collect all his belongings?
13th February 2020 at 11:24 pm #97675
He’s supposed to be collecting his belongings in next few days at a time he knows I won’t be here.
He’s in a sulk just now, texting you win, we are better off apart type messages and that it’s now finished.
How did I “win”? I said I wasn’t ready to make a big decisions and would try councelling. I didn’t say it was all over.
He is as usual over reacting because he’s not getting his own way. He just wants to be able to move back in, have me accept the blame and we can move on.
It’s weird, because I genuinely believe he has convinced himself of his version of events (that I created last weeks fight by accusing him of creating an atmosphere when he was just sitting there happily). Anyone who has been in a volatile relationship and knows the feeling of walking on eggshells will know that I’m not going to randomly Insite him 4 times, knowing where it will lead. And he thinks his comments after (basically accusing me of having an alcohol problem) are justified (even though they were nonsense) because I had upset him.
He is completely oblivious that I said he was creating an atmosphere (once) as a RESULT of what he said.
I struggle to get my head around that.
Anyway – we are where we are!
I’m going to try and see a solicitor next week to better understand my options.
14th February 2020 at 7:01 am #97678
The rewrite history. It really is pointless arguing with him. I began to reality test everything I was co confused by his behaviour. At least you know his game. He knows exactly what he’s doing but chooses to twist things and blame you. Putting the spotlight back on your behaviour and off his. Rights of Women have a free legal advice helpline and most solicitors offer an initial free assessment and I’d recommend you contact your local women’s aid. I still believe he’s not going to remove his belongings. That’s his hook into you and the home. My ex left stuff for two years after his arrest and my idiot solicitor kept telling me I couldn’t get rid of it because it was still half his house. My strong advice is to get all his belongings out of there now while he’s cooperating. Just tell him you had time so did him a favour and dropped it all off at his friend/family member.
15th February 2020 at 6:45 pm #97792
Well, it won’t come as much of a surprise to you that he clearly has been in the house when I was out (detail removed by moderator) (as agreed) but he has taken hardly any stuff. I know, predictable.
I haven’t heard from him today so now have that anxious feeling is he going to suddenly appear and want to talk. Or will it be tomorrow. Feel like a sitting duck and stomach lurches each time a car approaches.
I don’t want to instigate contact with him just now as it will just turn into another rubbish night of text point scoring,
Think I should prioritise legal advice at start of week. While I could pack his stuff up, take to his relative and change the lock, if he technically has residence rights because we are married that could antagonise him to dig his heels in further.
Flipping typical – it was him that said he would collect his stuff (detail removed by moderator), yet here we still are. More annoying because he has clearly been here – I left his (detail removed by moderator) on top of his drawer, not in his drawer (why would I put it in drawer when he was going to be packing up) and it’s gone. Also, a (detail removed by moderator) which is sentimental is sitting at his side of the bed. I wasn’t here last night – did he sleep here as well? Can’t tell for sure. Could speculate on his motives all night – but that’s putting the attention on him of course and that is not my plan tonight!!
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