Having struggling with anxiety and self doubt.

[I am better than this]

My ex has agreed access days with our son….days his solicitor suggested and were confirmed at mediation. For some time now he has been messing about with the days. Either texts me at the time he should be picking up on the weekend, saying he won’t be long. Turns up 40 mins late. And then assumes it’s ok to return our son 40 mins later at the end of the day. Or he keeps switching days from sat to sun for a variety of reasons. One is because he wants to be in a football tournament. Another is because he’s having a tattoo done. One time he switched days from sat to sun, because he had an event to go to. He text me the next day at pick up time to say he would be bit late picking up. When pushed he told me he would pick up in the afternoon. I told him to forget it that wk as I was going to take our son out instead. He’s supposed to have our son a couple times a wk after work for hour and and a half, to give him tea. He then asked if he could bring him home half hr earlier so I could feed him instead. Said he wanted more time to just play with him. Turns out he wants to bring him home earlier because he’s decided to play football on those days instead of spending time with our son. I’m so upset with it all. Constantly rearranging my plans and making it up to our son. I put my foot down and said no more. Stick to your days and that’s it. His reply was that he’d take our boy to a tournament with him and someone else could help watch over him whilst he was on the pitch. I sad no because our son has sensory issues and he needs to be watched properly. Plus that’s no access day for our son. My ex has now got really arsey and is accusing me of not letting him see our son. Is that really how I come across? I’m so unsure of my decision making at moment. Scared he will use all kinds of rubbish in court (he threatens all the time) and win overnight access which I don’t think our young son could handle. It’s making me so anxious I’m struggling to hold off panic attacks. I thought I was stronger than this by now and feel I’m letting myself down. Any thoughts would be sooo appreciated.

[godschild]

Hi ,Sounds typical abuser behavoir he is messing you and your son about so much, which is totally unfair and then blaming you for feeling upset and annoyed, it seems as with them all his life and what he wants matters more than seeing your son.
They are irresponsible and self centered, dont take on board what he says about you its nonsence, he just irrationally expects you to cater to his every whim and change.
I have had no experieence of this myself with aceess but I would keep an accurate honest record of everytime he has let you and your son down by being late or cancelling or wanting someone else to watch him this will show in court how he has been behaving, do you keep the texts he sends as evidance of his continual lateness or cancelling so they can see what he is doing, hopefully this would show that he is not being responsible with day time access so should not be allowed overnight until he can show proper consistant commitment to your son, you are doing nothing wrong he is and he is just making threats to try to control you xx

[KIP.]

Hi there. Godschild is right. You are doing nothing wrong. You’re anxiety is worse because you don’t have control of the situation. Keep all the evidence as suggested. Let him know that both you and your son need continuity in your life and he must stick to the arrangements in place. Don’t worry about his threats to keep your son overnight. Call his bluff. He can’t even stick to the arrangements now. I can’t imagine keeping your son overnight would last long. He’s using your fears to control you. What’s the worse that could happen. Also, try no contact. Tell him not to text you. You’re not interested in his excuses. If he’s not there at the appointed time you will be out. Take back control. It will make you feel stronger and block or ignore any contact❤️ If it was you picking up your son, that would be your top priority, not football!

[I am better than this]

Thanks for your replies Godschild and KIP.

Yes I have all in texts and backed up to my laptop too. Ours is an ugly situation and one I’m truly struggling with regarding our son. We had nearly a decade of IVF to have our son, his issues not mine, I already had (detail removed by moderator) other adult kids. He first cheated before our son was born, carried on for few months after he was born even deserting us when he was a wk old. Last year we split up because I had had enough of the mind games he was playing and I believed his behaviour indicated another woman possibly. He swore there was no one at all. Then some months after we split, he spent over a month ‘wooing’ me back. Shared my bed etc. Then when we sat to talk of possible reconciliation he admitted he was seeing someone, who miraculously was pregnant with his child. I showed him the door. I found out from ‘her’ that they’d been having an affair got 2 months before we split. She’s a married woman herself and had been caught out by her husband and they then parted. My ex had used our son to meet up with her whilst I studied.
Crux of it is, he spent months trying to break up with her whilst trying to woo me back. A couple months ago, he got caught out in a pile of lies by everyone and then switched on me and our son. Saw a solicitor and threatened court to have our son overnight either at his mums or this new woman’s! Niether is agreeable to me. He spent yrs telling me his mum had sexually abused him as a child, now saying he lied about it! I’m not taking a risk that he didn’t lie and allow our son to stay there. And if he had lied about that, do I even want him to be with his dad anywhere??! He’s sick. I don’t believe his new relationship is stable, in spite of the birth of the baby now. She is the next victim and I have no pity. I kindly warned her and she ignored me. She’s no better than him anyway.
I begged him not to take our son to the new woman, not until our son has finally been diagnosed and we know what his sensory issues mean. He agreed….but has taken him there anyway. I cannot protect my son at all, his father does what he wants and accuses our son of getting it wrong when he’s told me. I’m sure our son has a nice time with ‘her’ and all the kids, that’s not my concern. He also loves play school, but finds it stressful to keep it together for lengths of time. Meltdowns hit as soon as he’s home because he needs to vent his stress.

I believe his father adds far more stress than any child needs. And lies in front of our son, who knows its lies. But he has disordered speech so cannot articulate in the moment when his dad lies. Very confusing for a little boy. Makes me so sad for him.

It hurts me so much to still see his father put himself before our son. His own social activities. I know he loves our son, but only so far as he’s able to love. He’s always loved himself first. He accused me of using our son to control him yet I have never stopped him seeing him. Have never changed an access day. When our son has been ill and couldn’t go on a an access day, I offered my ex to come see him if he wished, at home. He declined, even though our son has been hospitalised with the same thing before. He never calls or texts to ask after his son. Is in denial about our sons needs. Pretends it’s not happening and implies he’s perfectly normal/fine when HE has him!!! I doubt that seeing as he’s told me on two occasions now, how our son got flustered and started smacking his own head repeatedly….part of his sensory issues.

I love my boy with all my heart and I wish his father would respect our son enough to step up and be the dad our child needs.

Sorry for essay….didn’t mean it to be so long.

[godschild]

So so awful for you to have coped with all of this and it hurt us so much when we see our children being affected, these men are so so selfish its all about them, they cannot give to others at all.
Its good you have it all recorded as it hopefully wont go for him getting overnight access. xx

[I am better than this]

Well  he dropped our son off after spending the afternoon with him. He spouted off jargon his solicitor had told him….namely, he is allowed to swap access days as long as he gives me advance warning etc. I told him that if it went to court and the judge put a contact order into place, he would NOT be allowed to switch days. He would have to adhere to the contact order. He disagreed and then started going on about our son fitting in with his new ‘family’ set up. (detail removed by moderator)
I agreed that he probably has had a lovely time, but however, he behaves like that because he has been holding himself in check all day and is stressed to the max. He vents directly at me because he needs to let it out and he trusts me never to hurt him and he knows I will help him through his ‘fight or flight’ mode and help him regain control. That, my stupid husband, is the reason he has meltdowns when he gets home!!!

Conversation did go further and the idiot man seriously believes that he knows things about our son that I don’t! He didn’t elaborate, nor did I request him to (detail removed by moderator) I reminded him that I can show the court that in spite of my misgivings regarding some of the access days, I still actively encourage our son to see his father. That I am constantly weighing up what is more damaging, not seeing his dad….or letting his dad put s**t on our boys shoulders.
Feel emotionally drained and anxiety symptoms are really starting to get a grip lately, a result of having been so strong for so long I think, all catching up on me now.

I just want a quiet life and to be able to know our sons welfare is safe in his fathers hands too. But I know its not. His emotional wellbeing will never be in safe hands with his father. A fact his father proves every time he switches access days/times, to accommodate his own activities, rather than planning his own activities around our sons access days/times.

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