Having to cut people out

[TakingMeBack]

Has anyone had to cut close people out after leaving the relationship?

When did they stop trying to contact you?

I’ve had to distance myself from someone who was a really good friend. We (detail removed by moderator) and she got on with my ex after the breakup me and her became closer friends and she was disgusted to find out all he’s done. After cutting off all contact with him I was getting on with things but he always finds a way through her. She (detail removed by moderator) and that weekend he messaged me the first load of abuse in a few months, I hadn’t even seen it though as I don’t use that email and have changed my number.

He messaged my friend threatening her though and she called me upset. I checked my emails after that to see he had emailed me a lot of horrid messages that weekend. When speaking to my friend there’s been a few times she has explained situations to me and they do change. Later versions of the story include her calling him which annoys me that she doesn’t say this at the start. It seems as though she calls him to calm him down and try and talk sense into him to leave her alone as she has done nothing. She says several times that she’s not scared of him which annoys me because it makes the story not add up.

I wouldn’t judge her for being scared, it’s absolutely reasonable to be he is mental and I have said that to her. I end up doubting a lot of things and worrying if anytime I meet her it’s a set up etc. as she doesn’t tell me the full picture. I also think it was stupid to put the photos on after me explaining how serious this is, then she puts them on and the first outburst in months occurs.

I think for myself it’s better to distance myself, I just don’t need to be adding extra worry and paranoia at the moment. I can’t help but feel super guilty though. It’s been a few months since I started and I haven’t seen her since but we used to message everyday, I just don’t reply or give slow replies. She still keeps messaging me though and it makes me feel really bad.

I guess I’m just looking for an opinion fi this is the right thing to do and other peoples experiences of having to do this.

If you have read all the way down to here then I am very thankful as I’m aware I tend to ramble

[fizzylem]

Hi TMB, sorry to hear this, it’s a tough position for you and for her it sounds, also seems she’s perhaps not handled things in the best way, suppose we cant hang her for that, as long as lessons were learnt? I would expect her not to upload anymore pics on-line of me again for sure, if this is what came out of it. Maybe give her one last chance, and make this clear?

We can only really control our own SM can’t we, which makes this a particularly difficult issue for women like us.

I would enlist the help of the police here if this were me, either you or the both of you, show them all the threatening and abusive messages and those that say you’ve asked him to leave you alone. They should have a word with him about this, and if he then continues they may press harrassment charges themselves. They don’t take kindly to having to tell someone twice.

A good, open and honest talk needs to happen here with you and your friend if you wanted to move forwards together, thise split loyalty thing isn’t working and needs acknowledging, you’re not asking her not be friends with him, although why she would want to be after this and the way he’s been with her I don’t know, but you are asking her to keep your life completely seperate, you are not interested in anything he does and you certainly don’t want him finding out anything you are doing hey – so if she can’t do this then it’s not that you can’t be friends, it’s more you can’t really spend anymore time with her because this feels to frightening.

Or, like you have also thought, it might be time to cut ties with her, maybe if this after a string of other incidents where you feel your boundaries haven’t been respected? In this case just not responding will do the trick. I find it’s better to distance myself, not be unkind, but just don’t ever organise things with someone, eventually they stop calling and texting.

I think after abuse we start to recognise who we want to around and yes, I also left some friends behind, I wish them well, but I just want to the drama and the difficulties this brings. Took me a while but now I only have those relationships in my life that are kind, loving, respectful, genuine and fun; feels alot healthier. I think this is needed, I trust all these people and that was important to me to know and feel after losing all trust in others for a while after him x

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