He absolutely knows what he’s doing!!!

[Anonymous]

Sorry to just vent and blurt but my husband absolutely knows what he’s doing to me?! If I ever doubt myself I must remember these small but very obvious things. Apart from being completely able to control mood if he wants something even without the thing for pain which has always been the excuse for outbursts of rage . The other night I had a comment of something that was on the tv .. he said something like “ he’s only doing that so she wants him more” .. that’s all normal but in the context of what it was it made me think and tonight things were going wrong as girls were crying as he was shouting ( but he was shouting in a joking way tonight) but I calmly explained that they are scared because he has deep voice and is a man etc and I tried to diffuse him thinking I was having a go by “joking” saying like how I am scared even when he does his certain look . He laughed , ( no real laughter here)we laughed – then he said I shouldn’t ever be scared he wouldn’t hurt me now.. that in past yes but as I’m better behaved now ( masked as a joke) how now I’m becoming moulded perfectly. I then said and how’s that then … to which his reply included the word abusing in it.

As a joke though ( always is) Bit like him saying I was “ easy pickings” . Arghhhhhh

[Iwantmeback]

Anononagain, it’s funny(not) how they always cover up by pretending it’s said or done as a joke. My oh does the same, when I point out that saying you’re going to rape someone or slash their face isn’t funny, to be told oh you’re too serious you can’t take anything as a joke now.
Write these notes down, it’s funny(eureka moments)how often they’re repeated. Thing is, you’re no longer easy pickings my love, you know the dynamics now. You have insider knowledge so to speak. Keep posting, you’re doing great. 💜
IWMB 💕💕

[InHope]

Yes he does know what he’s doing! Its not funny. He knows it makes you feel bad, you’ve told him, so why is he still doing it? Bully. It’s seriously messed up how someone wants to try and break another person. I fear that my LO thinks this sort of behaviour is normal. Might be too late for my LO but yours obviously knows that this behaviour is not acceptable so that’s a start and I hope you get some comfort from that.

[KIP.]

This was one of the worst realisations for me. That someone I loved and thought loved me in return would actually be deliberately trying to destroy me. I think that’s where cognitive dissonance comes in. It’s a horrendous reality but it’s true. From what you’ve said he is actually confessing out loud what he’s doing. I had to do statements recently and it’s frightening the things they say looking back are confessions.

[InHope]

Hi KIP
My ex completed his behaviour. A fear I’d lived with for years. So I keep asking myself ‘why am I surprised? Why am I so stressed about it?’. I lived in hope that he would show some humanity, I guess. It’s quite raw and messy at the moment. Fast forward me 6 months please…

[KIP.]

Hi, InHope, I wish I could fast forward the next painful six months but looking back, these were the months that I learned the most. It was such painful realism but this is where you learn the true horror of their lack of empathy and their n**********c destructive nature. I learned so much from that painful period that I still carry with me. It’s a gift of wisdom that we will never repeat that pattern. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. Just hang in there and keep going. Winston Churchill said when you’re going through hell, keep going!

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your replies. It’s so dumbfounding how he really does and intentionally does things. I can’t trust anything now even his being nice I go back and forth but I’ve seemingly never stopped questioning his behaviour.
He changes it up I’ve begun to think . Looking back at when the first arguments were physical and the violence from drunken rages is kind of absent in its extremity now . But the hint the gestures are enough I guess because of how things havevgot.. what I am seeing now and after more and more weekends of the same thing happening that his dominance is in sex now but it’s dressed up as fantasies or how much he “ wants me” I feel sick every Friday and Saturday. Sorry I’m going on now and I won’t go to detail … but I don’t think he even really does love me at all . . I exist to please and meet his needs . That’s how I really feel he sees it. 🙁

[Cheesequeen]

I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. Realising someone is sexually exploitative and abusing can be so painful and confusing. Your mind desperately seeks to justify what they are doing. It is not ok. It is wrong. Just because he makes it seem like he’s paying you compliments doesn’t make it any less wrong. I have felt sick to my bones as I’ve realised how I’ve been manipulated in this way.
Have you got a friend you can say this out loud to or your GP? I’ve found that not ‘keeping it secret’ has given me the clarity I needed. Hope you have a peaceful night Xx

[InHope]

Thanks KIP, I like your point of view, I just wish it wasn’t about these horrendous circumstances.
I am constantly reminding myself to not back down, to not believe anything he comes out with. Backing down is what I’ve been conditioned to in my life with the ex. We would argue, I’d eventually back down for an easier life, sometimes he would make me feel bad and I’d end up feeling sorry for him and sometimes I would apologise and then he’d be kind of nice again until the next time.
Well not any more. I’m done with that weird BS.
(Although I am very, very tired).

[Freshwaterlilly]

I posted yesterday about coercive behaviour and how we are let down by the law
Of course they know what they are doing,my situation I have to live in the same flat as him,he has a lock on his door and I have a lock on mine we have not spoken to each other for (detail removed by Moderator) months apart from emails from him telling me to get out,I’ve ignored them I have been to the police several time about his bizarre behaviour like sitting in his room with the curtains shut for hours doesn’t seem to bath anymore got drink in the room leaving the front door ajar going out leaving the flat unsafe for me to come home late thinking someone has got in
(detail removed by Moderator) I got up to find he had defrosted the freezer everything had to been thrown away this is the (detail removed by Moderator) time
What’s the point of going to the police
they will say it’s his home he can do what he wants
doesn’t matter the mental torture this does to me Iam having a truly bad day today and feel like I can’t continue like this
I must if I don’t he will win
There is absolutely no doubt these souless people know exactly what they are doing
We have the support of each other here they have nothing but there
sick minds

[InHope]

Freshwaterlily, yes there is something very mentally wrong with anyone who likes to bully someone, (especially when you’re trying your best to care for your LO). Then you have to leave your LO with them. But you know they love the LO and the LO is not in any physical danger whatsoever, it’s all psychological stuff that’s tearing the LO apart. It’s a tough thing to go through whether you have a child together or not. Keep a record of everything that’s happening, keep talking to organisations like WA and the Samaritans and the NCDV and your GP. Get it all down on record with these people, they will help you.

[Freshwaterlilly]

Iam lucky I have no children with him to worry about, Iam retired and the last thing I wanted my time of life was to get a divorce,I just can’t take anymore from him
I feel sick at the thought of what he’s going to do to me,not physically but
mentally, I’ve instructed a solicitor now he has our marriage certificate and won’t give it to me
That’s the extent of the control he’s still doing it’s a living hell and has not got any easier since I finished it
He’s out to get me,Iam the one who has ended this and I know he will do his utmost to destroy me
I’ve been given the form E by my solicitor it’s overwhelming I have very little money and now I’ve got to pay someone to help me fill the form in
He cleared all our joint accounts out before I could act, it’s like he’s laughing at me and I feel close to the edge

[Iwantmeback]

Hi freshwaterlily, take a deep breath and breathe. Practically You can get a copy of your marriage certificate from your local council or wherever you got married. Could citizens advice or WA help you fill out that form? Have you any access to bank statements,(Take photos) if not can you set up online banking I’ve done it with my husband’s details, I have a user name and password so I can check he’s not doing anything financially untoward. It’s easy to do but you need his sort code and account in order to do so. He’s emptied the joint accounts so he’s basically stolen from you. Don’t worry about solicitors fees, you might qualify for legal air. plus you can agree a repayment plan afterwards too. If you own your own home you can force the sale of it through the courts. He might drag his feet but a judge won’t take kindly to him doing it. You are entitled to half of everything so don’t let him tell you otherwise. they become very knowledgeable when it comes to divorce and assets yet they’ve been no where near law school, let alone became a solicitor, so don’t listen to a word he says. The solicitors will bargain between themselves, eg he gets his pensions if you get the house. Get a solicitor versed in DA and if you feel they’re not doing enough for you, change them. It’s not something any of us envisaged especially at retirement/ near retirement age😔just shows how strong we women are. #21stcenturysuffragettes
IWMB 💕💕

[Freshwaterlilly]

Thankyou so much for getting back to me,I have done everything you have said accounts frozen
Absolutely no chance of getting an appointment with CAB waiting lists are overwhelming, can’t get legal aid due to properties we have
Marriage certificate we married abroad so it’s much more of a problem
I’ve set up online banking and have my own account now
I’ve done everything I can do
I’ve instructed my solicitor she has written to him telling him if he doesn’t give the marriage certificate we will go for costs to retrieve it
This makes no difference to him
he doesn’t care about the money or the law
and I have no doubt he will not cooperate
The marriage is over so why is he holding on to the certificate
One word control
I’ve have done everything I can and he’s still laughing at me and the law
allows it
I have literally come to the end of my rope

[Iwantmeback]

Freshwaterlily, it’s the arrogance of them that galls, even to the legal profession. All you can do now is distance yourself financially from him, make sure you’re protected legally if in case he takes out debt in both your names,check your credit rating often.
You might have come to the end of your rope but give him enough and he’ll hang himself (figuratively) you’re right, it is all about control. Let him play his games, ask your solicitor fir advice about getting a divorce after so many years of not living with him, do you need your licence on that scenario. Is it possible to write to the consulate of the country you got married in and ask for advice from them re a copy of your marriage certificate. Good luck
IWMB 💕💕

[Freshwaterlilly]

Thanks again
that’s exactly what my solicitor is going to do, he has 14 days to either petition himself or give me a copy if he does neither my solicitor will apply for a cost order against him
As she pointed out the courts will clearly see he’s obstructing the divorce
and will issue costs in my favour
Most people would just give the certificate up
not him he’s not most people he’s a soulless individual who just exists

[Iwantmeback]

If it wasn’t so soul destroying, their behaviour WOULD be laughable. Try and detach, he’s trying to get a rise from you but as your solicitor says, the courts will see this as wilful obstruction. Practice grey rock as often as you can, it gives you some form of control back, be businesslike in all your dealings with him. He’s nothing to you now, think of him as just transactions, detach from him. I’ve found since realising I really don’t love him that I’m more detached than I thought possible. I’m not having memories of how we were, but that’s not to say I won’t. Good luck with all of this garbage that keeps getting flung in front of you.💜💜

[Fudgecake]

Hello Freshwaterliily,
Well done for making the hard decision to leave and start divorce proceedings. He is acting like a toddler throwing a tantrum and his obstructive behaviour will not be tolerated by the legal system. He is under the illusion that his abusive behaviour still works. Soon he’ll realise it’s not going to particularly after he get stung in the wallet for costs.
I admire your bravery. Think about the peaceful future you will achieve by doing this rather than the depressing alternative of constant appeasement of a bully.
Stay strong, freedom is hard fought for but it is sweet.

[Freshwaterlilly]

I don’t feel at all brave I feel stranded,the police won’t get involved
there is no financial help I am already lending money to fund my solicitor
And he’s still in the driving seat I’ve achieved nothing he’s still controlling me
he’s still laughing at me and he’s going to do his best to destroy me
I feel that it’s all shutting down on me and there is nowhere to go

[Iwantmeback]

It’s exactly because of how you are feeling Freshwaterlily that there has to be a change in the law, how or what I don’t know, but it’s not right that these men get to walk away Scot free and able to still function in life.
Aarrgghhh

[Author]

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