He can be loving- am I wrong?

[Sunflower4Y]

Hello all you amazing women,

I’m new to posting here. I have been with my boyfriend for a few years. I think he can be quite manipulative and he gaslights me a lot. He had quite unstable mental health and regularly ends up in these states of “burn out” as his job is stressful. When he’s in this he is like a child that I have to do everything for- I can’t say no because he’ll insult me and ignore me etc.

Recently there was an incident in which I couldn’t take any more and broke down and I begged him to let me go. I had planned for my dad to pick me up so I could spend the evening at home (I didn’t tell my dad why), and then my boyfriend had a panic attack and I broke even further and let him come with me. I gave up and we’re still together.

This was about (detail removed by Moderator) ago and since then he has been the loveliest partner. He does his half do the chores, he asks how my day has been and listens to the answer. He’s being kind and caring. He said the other day we are “(detail removed by Moderator)”. I know what he means because this feels more like a partnership than what the last few years have been.

When he is being nice I forget why I wanted to leave- I’m worried that I’m ungrateful and that I’m the one who is “abusive” as I only want him when he’s being nice and not the bad parts- is that not me being controlling?

Any thoughts would be so appreciated. Lots of love to you all x*x

[nbumblebee]

Hi,
Have you read about the cycle of abuse. Google it. Often there is a spell where they are kind caring and back to the man you once loved. Im in month 2 of a pretty nice one although still some niggles theres been as yet no major blow ups so i consider it calm. Its what they often do when they see is backing off like you did they get scared and they start to back off rein you back in. Be aware of this. Read up on abuse read posts on here learn as much as you can so you are better equipped to deal with this. Reach out talk to someone get advice and support feom those you trust. The more you learn and understand the better you will be able to deal with your situation. Stay safe xx

[Strongenough]

Hi,

From your post I get the feeling you still have a hunch that something isn’t right with your relationship, regardless of the nice period. I say go with your gut! @nbumblebee is right in saying this sounds like part of the cycle of abuse.

For me I see lots of red flags In your post from my own experience. “Burn out at Work” is often used by an abuser to justify or excuse abusive behaviour. “Having a panic attack when your leaving” sounds like a way to emotionally manipulate you into letting him get his way. A tactic my ex abuser would try to use on me before I left for good. Being overly nice and using “we are a team” line, yep used to get that one as well when he was being nice and trying to convince me we had a good life and only needed each other.

I would recommend the freedom programme which can be done online. It helped me clarify that what I was experiencing was abuse.

Stay strong my friend ❤

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