He contacted me! Feel like 10 steps back

[Yellowdiamond]

Hi,

Sorry to post again but I am having a really bad day.

So we have had no contact for a while and (detail removed by moderator) he contacted me about some money he owed me and how he was going to pay it. I kept it short and didn’t involve myself in any conversation. He asked me to call but I refused and said whatever he needed he could message. To cut a long story short he paid me some of what he owed me and said the other would come (detail removed by moderator). He then messaged me (detail removed by moderator) to ask me to call him, again I refused and asked him to message me. He basically said he couldn’t afford to pay me the money which turned into an argument (not proud of myself for this), however he was telling me rather than asking. He was being quite vile to me. I pay for a certain bill so wanted to cancel it so we have no ties but he didn’t want me to (detail removed by moderator) however it’s not my responsibility anymore so he was quite horrible to me and told me never to contact him ever again (he’s always been the person to contact me first anyway). I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards and I am so upset I have lost mu appetite again and feel like I did when this first happened. Was this his last chance at trying to regain control? How do I feel better? I am at a loss.

[KIP.]

Hey there. You’re going to be triggered by any contact with him. We are very vulnerable to these men for a very long time. All they want to do with contact is cause us more pain. Remember that’s what they enjoy best. Causing us pain. No experience is wasted if we learn from it. Go back to zero contact. He’s not interested in being reasonable. Venting at you makes him feel great. Upsetting you makes him feel great. Any contact with you makes him feel great. And he used this contact to hurt you again. You slowly pick yourself up and you use this horrific episode to make sure you never allow him to do it again. It will take a few days to get over contact so be kind to yourself x

[Empoweredhealing]

Hi, this is a manipulative technique called “induced conversation”. Ross Rosenberg on Youtube explains it really well.
His intention was to get you to engage with him again so that he could use coercion, manipulation and control as he has done in the past. He expected that you would take the bait. And since you refused to, he lashed out with abusive anger.
Block him out as much as you can. No wonder you feel sick afterwards. He was trying to feed you poison.

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there, you’re learning the hard way that his hoovering technique only lasts as long as he gets what he wants. By standing your ground refusing to engage in conversation apart from text, he’s tried to find another technique to get under your skin. Look up ways to help not get sucked in, going grey rock is a good way to deal with them if you have no other choice. Is your name on this debt? If not but like me they had my bank details but debt was in his name, cancel the DD. Is it viable to put losing the money down to experience in order to cut contact. They will literally use any excuse to get in touch, this is still classed as abuse.
Keep posting, keep learning.
IWMB 💞💞

[Yellowdiamond]

I have now blocked him on everything however he has managed to still leave a VM on my phone. (Detail removed by moderator) and would involve us communicating which I don’t want to do, it would just be easier for him to (detail removed by moderator) (don’t think he can due to credit). The fee I have to pay to cancel this is quite large but I have been informed that if I report this to the police then they will waiver the fee and cancel for me so I took the step yesterday to report him for what he has done and they are coming to see me today. I am not sure if I will take it any further than reporting it but it will allow me to cut that final cord that is allowing him to keep contacting me and after that there is no reason for us to be in contact. I am also just going to let go of the money he owes me after speaking with friends, it’s a small price to pay I think x

[KIP.]

Well done. The police will give you a reference number that you can pass on to whoever needs it. Consider talking to the domestic abuse police too. Ypu can make a full statement about the abuse that they can record x

[Empoweredhealing]

Well done Yellowdiamond!
Most of us probably lose various amounts of money in our abusive relationships. Hopefully, you can mitigate your losses and cut all ties. The health of your soul and spirit is more important.

[Madmam]

Yep my abusive ex owes me money but I’m happy to pay the price for silence from him.

Blessed be 😇

[Yellowdiamond]

So it’s all been reported, I have decided to just log it and not take any further action but the info will be there should any future partner checks. My friend was with me for support and he actually contacted her and after reading the messages I am shocked at how delusional he is, thinking they can be friends and saying there are two sides to every story however he did admit to hitting me. I have him blocked on everything so he can’t contact me but I really don’t understand why he has reached out to my friend, is this something that happens a lot? It was late at night so I imagine he was going through one of his drug binges to even think that was a good idea. He also asked her in the messages to pass on messages to me, why is he doing this?

[KIP.]

It’s very common for them to contact your friends and family. He may want their sympathy and to make himself the victim. To try to discredit you. He may want to pump them for information as you have closed off direct access to you. Which is the right thing to do. My advice is to tell your friends and family to block him too. If he persists in contacting them please report it to the police. It’s intimidating you. It’s further signs of controlling behaviour and a huge red flag. Stay safe x

[KIP.]

Absolutely well done for reporting. He may make counter allegations like mine did. Delusional nonsense so stay alert and stay safe. Don’t try to work them out. They are delusional and rewrite history. They Try to discredit us so we won’t be believed.

[Empoweredhealing]

He’ll probably try to tell anyone who’ll listen an alternate version of reality. It’s all part of breaking up with an abuser.
This may really test your beliefs in yourself at this vulnerable time. If you have books, podcasts or youtube channels that helped you understand abuse in the past, it’s a good time to revisit them. I still do reach out to people and resources that understand abuse when my ex pretends like what he did was ok.

[Author]

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