He got married.

[Was-it-me]

Hi…
I’m in shock. He got married, in (detail removed by moderator) knowing her. I remember how he proposed to me very soon into our relationship, too; I gave “us” time and then the abuse started.
I’ve written in the forum before, about how I miss him, how I am still struggling with the trauma bond and sadness and guilt and everything. And now this happens.
I don’t even know how to feel about it. The man who said that loved me the most tore me apart and now he has a brand new life.
I shouldn’t look at social media. I shouldn’t care. But I do 🙁 It adds to my negative feelings, I’m now again questioning if I was the problem after all… The circle repeats itself.
How did you guys cope with your abusive ex moving on early?

[ISOPeace]

I’m sorry to hear you’re feeling so bad. It is such a horrible feeling to have such a pull to somebody who has caused so much pain.

My ex has not moved on yet (I haven’t been out long) so I can’t comment on how to cope. But I can tell you that you were never the problem. Our minds look for stories to explain how we feel. After being convinced you’re the problem, your mind is so used to using that to explain what’s going on. Somehow our brains find it easier to believe that we are the problem (I guess there is then at least some hope that we can find a way to change) rather than accept that the other person was always the problem.

‘Moving on’ quickly is very common for abusers, but it’s not moving on in the way you imagine. It must really hurt to think that he has found someone new that he loves enough to marry so soon. But that is not what has happened. Abusers do not love like other people do. For an abuser love is about owning, controlling and being obsessive over another person. He doesn’t fall in love with people, because he is not interested in who they are. He is only interested in who he wants them to be and that he can control them. So all he’s really looking for is somebody he can manipulate, and most people are susceptible to manipulation. Sending love xxxx

[KIP.]

Think of a parasite that needs a new host. That’s an abuser. They rush committment as a trap and we think we have won first prize when in fact it the booby prize. Abusers don’t bond the way we do. They don’t grieve and that’s unhealthy. It’s just further proof should you need it and the abuse you suffered is very much coming her way. You can use Claire’s law and ask the police to warn her. It might not do much good just now but at least she has been warned x my ex was engaged several times before me, married before me and after me. The woman after me was extremely vulnerable. Just concentrate on yourself and your healing. You will get over this but he will always be the monster he is.

[Was-it-me]

@ISOpeace thank you.
The most disturbing thought I have at the moment, is feeling discarded because he doesn’t want to “own” me anymore. That he is invested in someone else.
It’s like I know he can’t love the way I (and everyone) deserve, but my mind remembers when he was obsessed with me! It is messed up, and I believe it’s my trauma bond talking – as obsession during the honeymoon phase was the best I got out of this relationship, I miss this, forgetting the abuse.

No matter how much I try to think that people don’t change, I see his new woman smiling next to him, and it HURTS like hell. If she smiles, then he must be behaving right.

Do these make sense?

@KIP. I don’t know what Claire’s law is (I don’t live in the UK), but anyway his abuse was not physical. He did push me (detail removed by moderator) times, but it was mostly psychological and verbal abuse.
I can do nothing for her. She probably wouldn’t even believe me if I did tell her. Hell, he may not be abusive if she ticks all his boxes and behaves how he expects. They may have a common vision of what family is…
But he does have a pattern. It was a long time before he met me that he was engaged, and I thought it was random. But with proposing so soon, to me and the new woman, I can see his craves this commitment more than getting to know his partner in depth.

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