26th March 2020 at 10:10 am #99809
He got residency and has total control. He has jumped on the opportunity to stop contact thanks to this virus SO quickly, and preemptively. Our child went to school all week a few weeks ago, by the friday the PM announces staying in if you have a cough, LO suddenly has a cough and can’t come see me. The following week he says LO is fine, and contact can happen but (as he forces me to be supervised) he doesn’t want my parents supervising as he claims they’re high risk – when I pointed out they are not, he suddenly claims he’s ill and I cannot see her again until (detail removed by moderator). Then of course the PM realises new info and he’s now decided that, despite the fact children can travel between houses and despite the fact LO is well, I cannot see my child. I’ve been reduced to phonecalls unless I let him into my house – which neither myself or my landlords will allow as he’s damaged property in the past. So that’s it, because I didn’t let him twist my arm and use coercive control to get into my house, I only get phonecalls..
This pandemic is an abusers paradise
26th March 2020 at 10:44 am #99811ssidParticipant
He is breaking orders if hes deciding for you or your parents what is safe for you or your parents.
write this evidence to court, giving dates and copying any texts or emails, written evidence, to them.
It is clearly overly controlling for him to decide whos at risk or not and base withdrawal of contact on that.
I am so sorry for your situation. I hope you can keep using evidence of his controlling behaviour to show the courts who he is and get their decision turned around.
26th March 2020 at 10:45 am #99812KIP.Participant
Do you have a solicitor or support from women’s aid? Is there a contact order in place?
26th March 2020 at 10:46 am #99813ssidParticipant
I’m horrified theres so much evidence against him yet he has your child.
Please contact Rights of Women for free legal advice for exactly this kind of situation.
26th March 2020 at 7:57 pm #99838
Hey SD, yes sadly some of these men will use this to their advantage for sure, to cause distress and incite fear, we could have written this weeks ago in your case couldn’t we.
There are no guarantees here, but if we all self isolate and starve the virus now, the PM has said we will review things in 3 weeks time, so, this may mean new tighter restrictions, or that we may be in a position to losen restrictions. It will largely depend on how many actually self isolate now and how successful or not our interventions and strategy is.
It makes absolute sense to me for us all to self isolate now to do this, to protect one another, stop the spread, starve the virus, then those who have it either get well or we lose them, and those who don’t have it stay safe.
If I were you I would roll with this for now; you need to get 50/50 at the least don’t you, so chip away at doing whatever it is you need to do to get this, you already are aren’t you; keep gathering evidence, this is a good example of him abusing his power again. Rope he’s making. Evidence you might be able to use.
Try not to let him see he’s riling you; however much you feel this inside, because this is what he wants, he wants to see he’s causing you pain. Try to throw him off the scent, confuse him here, so he doesn’t know what upsets you, as you ‘appear’ to have no difficulty, this might help. It will mean he gets ‘no kick out of it’, the reward here for him is taking pleasure from your pain isn’t it – so don’t give this to him.
I would think about saying something like ‘yes ok, I was thinking it might be best if we each bunker down for a few weeks, under the current advice, so I think it would be good if we skype every day – (or whatever feels ok for you). The Judge will want to see that he has been open to more contact in different ways during the crisis, an underdstanding that time has been lost, so in a week or two, maybe say something like, as we’ve both missed out on time together over x weeks, I was thinking perhaps I could take x for a full weekend when this passes (or whatever time you think), this will help as it will give us something to plan for and look forward to together – while we get through this – this is absolutely right, fair and reasonable isn’t it, so if he denies you this – more rope isn’t it.
Try to view this as government instruction / guidance you are following to keep you and your child safe and for no other reason; his interpretation of the rules is irrelevant to you – for now. Tell him yes ok, looks like this will be reviewed in 3 weeks, maybe try to deal with the next 3 weeks only for now xx
27th March 2020 at 6:07 pm #99906
Get some legal advice SD, see if you can get this incident logged as him trying to intentionally withold access – which is a form of abduction isn’t it; at the very least try and get this logged with some kind of professional, it’s like before though isnt it, he may be seen to be ‘operating inside the guidelines’, which means others may see that he’s not done anything wrong, you know he’s employed this for his own personal games and so do I, but you’ve got to make sure you can evidence this; so get the current guidance clear in your mind and written down, the dates, his comms, all his comms, written down on a time line, how you feel, how it could be worked, and what this means to your child; you could honey trap here a bit, ask for extra time after the crisis has blown over to make up, skype etc and if he says no you can show this. The order you have atm isnt just for him to use as he likes here, it is for you and your child also, it should also protect your time together – read it, what does it say that protects your time? I think you may be able to show how unreasonable he has been here and how he has failed to show how important you and your child maintain contact of a kind x
27th March 2020 at 8:42 pm #99916
Had another thought, you could make the point he didn’t ask what you’d like to do moving forwards here, there was no co parenting decison process, he has shown no respect for your PR nor is he syupporting the relationship your child has with her mother; rather he has pulled the rug from under you; a caring, responsible father wouldn’t do this would he, he would ask how shall we move forwards atm regarding your time with our child – and he would be seen to be trying to keep you connected in other ways x
28th March 2020 at 10:20 am #99945IlikechickenParticipant
Is he emailing you saying all this? If no one in his household is showing symptoms then the children can go between households as long as both households are social distancing. I wouldnt tip him off if he had social isolated without symptoms and take him to court.
28th March 2020 at 4:32 pm #99971
Thank you for the comments. I have an advocate who has collated all the domineering messages he has sent me over the past her and is going to report this, along with the evidence, to the police on my behalf – we’ll see what advice we get, if any. Thankfully I know not to answer the phone to him so he does text me everything.
Regarding the PR thing, Fizzylem, I completely agree and we do have shared PR – however he has told the school that I don’t have any PR at all, which is a separate issue I’ve been having to deal with
28th March 2020 at 4:40 pm #99972
28th March 2020 at 7:30 pm #99982
Really good to read you have this advocate SD, imagine this person has quite a good pile of evidence now; can show how unreasonable he has been, how he plays god. Brilliant. Try to view what he does now as ‘more rope’, rope he’s making for his own noose x
28th March 2020 at 7:38 pm #99984[email protected]Participant
there are more than two ways to skin a cat – im more than sure with a plan you can turn this around xx
have faith with evidence and support your child should really be in a mothers arms – someone non abusives care like yours. you just need the right method to get the officials to see this xx happy to help x
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