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    • #79838
      asdfghjkl
      Participant

      Hello,
      It has been a good couple of months that I shared my story here, my story about my very long relationship full of gaslighting, grooming, emotional abuse, cheating on’s and lies. This is what I was growing up on, half of my life basically was full of it. Even though I had never had a healthy relationship model to compare mine to, last year with a help of a therapist I managed to recognise what was going on and escaped. The start was overwhelmingly difficult, like getting off a drug (never tried but this is how I can describe it, mostly full of sick feeling in the stomach). In the past months however I was doing really great, I went almost no contact (even when we had to communicate I was very neutral, and once I was even able to reject him when he started to hoover me back, well done me) and started to leave everything behind. Less flashbacks day to day, more trust in people, so really I was proud.
      It’s been more than a year since I moved out so it should be time for me to do better which I was really doing up until recently when I found out that he is already in a new relationship. They have just ‘announced’ it now, making sure that the news would reach the furthest corner of social media (which never happened with me but I know it is a show. It is him trying to hurt me still. I am not on social media because of him but happened to know it though a friend.)
      But it is ok, I knew that he would need supply soon, he cannot live with his demons on his own because they would eat him alive. So he groomed this girl whom I know, who is young as I was, full of love and empathy, on the top of her career (which she will lose soon), and the hardest part that instead of feeling jealousy (which I don’t whatsoever) I feel that this new supply makes our whole story true. I knew what he did to me but even up until the last couple of weeks I had that tiny little doubt in me that I might have overreacted it or just read too much stuff and imagined. But now, seeing them, everything, every memory, every situation where I was forced to do things I would never ever do, dropped on me like a heavy ceiling falling on you. Everything has become real. And I would love to scream to the girl to run but I know that I must not and I will not get in contact for sure (that is what he wants so no-no.) And a new chapter or fears opened up where now it is me whom he will make up stories about and now it is my turn to be claimed as the crazy one as he did it with all of his exes. And my biggest fear is that he still has photos of me, and I don’t know if he would ever use them but I wouldn’t be surprised if he would let the new supply see them somehow.
      I feel that I was almost over this s**t and now I am in his hands. But I will never let him win, because I am the stronger one but sitting here for the second day with sickness in my stomach….I am so angry that he and the bad memories can still creep back to me. I don’t know if it ever ends…
      Sorry for the very long post.

    • #79845
      lover of no contact
      Participant

      Hiya,

      So glad you posted as posting on here will help you move on with the feelings quicker. Its normal to feel as you do and its just a normal response to having being triggered in that he has popped up into your world. Contact with them always makes us feel bad. You will start to feel better soon, so don’t panic. You have done so well, firstly to ‘survive’ this toxic intimate partner and to stop being ‘his supply’ for his Power and Control addiction. You’re right you can’t save his new victim. My ex- husband has a new supply and I do feel for her because she’s a carbon copy of how I was in her nature. But there’s nothing I can do except say the odd prayer for her now and again. But to be honest her being his supply means he doesn’t need to abuse my adult children as much as he had being doing. As you rightly say they cannot live with their demons on their own as the ‘creature’ inside them that they need to keep at bay with abusing others cannot rise to their surface would destroy the abuser when they really see how pitiful and pathetic they are. So they need to stomp on others (love-bomb them in the beginning as he is doing with his new supply) to feel ok in themselves.

      But back to you and how well you have done and have stayed resolute in your No Contact resolve. I bet he didn’t think you could resist his hoovers. Ha they are not as Powerful as they like to think they are. We can and will resist their hoovers!

      The triggers are hard to completely eliminate but over time they will get less and less with your robust No Contact regime.

      My ex slagged me off to his new supply as when recently I came in contact with her with him she had this ‘haughty’ look towards me the look I know only so well when an abuser has been whispering the twisted truths in her ear. I don’t care now but that took time to get to that place. I also don’t care that he has smeared me to his family, mutual friends etc. That took a long time to get to that place but I’m getting there.

      A good thing that may have come out of been triggered by him is that you reached for help on here and maybe try to read the posts and share and that will help your healing journey. A year is not along time away from an abuser imo so extra support from this Forum will help you a lot.

    • #79874
      Flowerchild
      Participant

      So sorry you’re finding this hurtful, asdf darling. It’s conflicting, being glad to be out but outraged at being replaced so easily!

      Actually, an abuser hates having to ‘break in’ a new victim; it just about kills them having to be nice for so long.

      Be on your guard, because whenever the new victim gets wise and throws him out (and she will, she will) he may well come to you first thinking you are the easiest source of supply.

      Abusers are great recyclers!

      Flower x

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