24th November 2020 at 1:36 pm #116737
So things rolled on and He could see I was becoming increasingly disillusioned with his blame and mind games. A (detail removed by Moderator) back he started an argument, which escalated into physical. For the first time, he slapped me across the face. Left soon after. Showed very little remorse, simply saying (detail removed by Moderator).
Then (detail removed by Moderator), he was working and was clearly anxious about work the next day. I did everything in my power to make it a nice calm evening. But he started drinking and possibly had had a smoke too. Either way, the aggression intensified, to the point that he was saying (detail removed by Moderator)
I got scared and shouted at him to get out, started pushing him away from me towards the hallway. Next thing I know, he has kicked me in the hip and sent me flying across the (detail removed by Moderator) floor.
He left a minute or so later.
I went to stay with my parents and made an informal report with the police that weekend.
Social Services are now all over it and I am coming under immense pressure to make a formal statement.
Why am I so scared? He has threatened to make me lose my job, he has accused me of being the abuser, he will doubtless try and discredit me in any way possible.
I am terrified.
Will they see it for what it is? They are likely to attach full bail conditions. This may not keep him away. Why am I so scared and why do I STILL feel pity for him?
How can I find the courage to do this?
24th November 2020 at 4:27 pm #116739
You need to push past the fear which is how he has controlled you. Push past the fear and listen to the professionals. Do it for you and your child. You’re being offered a lifeline here so grab it with both hands. He’s brainwashed and programmed you to feel this way. He’s done this before and will do it again. He doesn’t love you or care for you. He chose to behave this way. He is not your responsibility. He needs to know there are consequences to his actions. Be very careful to always show you’re putting the welfare of your child first. Social services need to be sure of this.
24th November 2020 at 6:18 pm #116747
Yes they are not happy that I didn’t see the risk for what it is. I thought I could manage this myself but clearly not. They are all saying, “he would not have let you go easily”. I suspect an intervention was always needed.
I am struggling with the complete severance. The emotional trauma bond is strong. It has only been (detail removed by Moderator) but I gave him more emotionally than he gave me. I was always more emotionally available than him, wanting it to work more and giving more chances than him. He worked harder to claw it back after each episode, believing that we would “grow old together”, but I never wanted it to get that far in the first place. I’m having to come to terms with the loss of someone who did have his good points. His wit, his ability to see the funny side, the chemistry. I so wish things had been different. Now I have to try and harden my heart and recall him saying the cruel things he did which show, really, it was a mirage and he did not love me. How can you love someone and treat them like that? knowingly drinking and then kicking them across (detail removed by Moderator). It’s awful.
(detail removed by moderator).
Should I tell the police everything so that they can try for Coercive Control?
24th November 2020 at 4:30 pm #116740
You have nothing to feel guilty about. If you carry the guilt then he won’t have to. I was frozen too and am so grateful the police and services took the decision out of my hands and prosecuted him, he’s on their radar now. He’s a predator and always will be x
24th November 2020 at 6:07 pm #116744WaterspriteParticipant
This is so timely for me too. How did you cope with the anxiety of police process the lack of communications brings the lack of control once again the uncertain outcome the fear of reprisal? Hey Dolly the guilt is his to wear but imagine if we get these predators out of our lives once and for all and protect our kids and other women. But what if we don’t and it makes things even worse. My anxiety has gone off the scale it’s very very difficult to cope just now
24th November 2020 at 6:32 pm #116748
@ Watersprite, I haven’t really processed any of it. I am still terrified of the outcome, of saying too much or too little. (detail removed by moderator). That really does scare me. Or maybe it wouldn’t.
Either way, I feel this is water off a duck’s back for him and he will just chalk this up to me being the “snake” he always held me to be and “evil”. I doubt he will struggle with moving on after me.
I on the other hand can see myself wondering about his for years after. It’s awful as he lives about (detail removed by Moderator) away so the chances of running in to him are very high. It is going to be agony seeing him and having to turn away or watch him walk on. I know this is the right thing but energetically and emotionally I am still bonded to the guy. I need to break the bond.
How far along are you? Are you making a statement? X
24th November 2020 at 7:22 pm #116752
Yes, please tell the police everything. I did. There were crimes that I didn’t even recognise as crimes.
24th November 2020 at 10:04 pm #116758WaterspriteParticipant
Am further on dolly – can’t say anything – high risk x told them everything who knows where I am heading. Am calmer tonight it’s just so up and down isn’t it? Take care – stay strong. We deserve a life x
26th November 2020 at 12:11 am #116804Same-againParticipant
(detail removed by moderator) the last incident, there have been so many. Nasty, cruel, mean acts. Violence.
The latest was rape which was a new one (as in new abusive tactic) although he’d been having sex with me in my sleep all along. W****o.
I felt really guilty at first but thankfully the fog is clearing. I’m starting to see the times he’s manipulated me and I can see that his vile behaviour was intentional. It’s like a horrible movie playing over and over and the clearer the picture becomes the harder it is to face it.
It is sooo up and down though I agree.
To Dolly, I wish I had given a statement before. I’d have saved myself some truly horrendous abuse and pain.
Take care. x
26th November 2020 at 11:37 am #116813
I am feeling a lot less guilty as time goes on because he has utterly taken the p*ss with me. (detail removed by moderator). For me, it’s about what the long term plan is, which is to keep him away from me. This means, if I (detail removed by moderator)
The main issue is dealing with the emotional aftermath of what he has done, given how close he lives to me. I am bound to bump in to him at some point. I can’t not. That terrifies me. Not because I think he will do anything but because of the rush of feelings at seeing him and the fear of missing / wanting him. The head knows he is a b*stard and I’m much better off without him but the heart is still trauma bonded. So I really need to find a way to break the bond. Any tips would be greatly appreciated because this is going to be hell.
26th November 2020 at 12:03 pm #116814
If you make a full statement then he’s more likely to get bail conditions that will prevent him from coming anywhere near you. Including the local shops. If it’s bad enough he may well get remanded which means you can walk about freely and take that time to recover. Bail conditions emotionally prevented me from contacting him and legally him contacting me.
28th November 2020 at 1:22 pm #116948
I have made the statement and I am finalising it next week in person. I feel stronger doing it. What is making me so angry, maybe irrationally, is the fact that he has been working almost every day. Literally, out to work the day after being released by the police. So for (detail removed by Moderator) he was sitting on his arse, doing nothing, expecting me to keep him, yet now he has the reserves of strength to get out and earn a living. It makes me so angry.
(detail removed by Moderator) would have been our anniversary. I did wonder, was he starting work so that he could treat me to something special but then the attack happened which put paid to that. Either way, I look at the date and think “I wasn’t worth him working for but now he has the incentive to work again.”
It makes me sick that he exploited me in that way. I know a large part of it was his anxiety and he dreaded going in to work and would far rather have stayed home with me, but still. When you love, you show it. You do your level best to bring your best side to the person you love. You don’t make excuses and exploit and bully.
I think I just feel sad and lonely. He has his work now, he is footloose and fancy free, he will be chatting up women as he does – he used to say he would be with someone else within a week – so no doubt he doing all he can to line up another source of supply. I feel like a fool. A sad, needy, gullible fool. I hate that I let it happen. I hate that I still feel this tremendous pull to him, that I think about him all the time, that if he had been a kinder, nicer man, I would have wanted to settle down with him. I feel cheated by him, held at arm’s length, left wanting, again, like in my childhood. Denied love and care and nurturing. I always seem to come up empty-handed.
I know I need to find a way to break this pattern, this internal script of not being worthy, for good. He used to call me worthless and a two bob w***e. I know I am neither but I don’t know why good, kind love evades me. Almost all of my relationships have been marked by emotional cruelty, abuse or neglect of some kind. It’s a repeat of my childhood. I need to fix this.
28th November 2020 at 2:38 pm #116949
Therapy was extremely valuable to me. We are often attracted to the wrong people because of childhood experiences and what we feel is normal behaviour or we crave something we lacked in childhood. Take this time for yourself and get some good therapy. None of this is your fault. These men choose to abuse us but we can work on ourselves to break this cycle we are in and to consider our choices in future.
29th November 2020 at 12:17 am #116989FacingRealityAtLastParticipant
what KIP said is what I’m hanging to too xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
29th November 2020 at 6:10 pm #117035LadyforlornParticipant
I can completely understand that fear. You are absolutely doing the right thing. Stay strong 💜
30th November 2020 at 10:40 am #117106
I’m alone at home at the moment with silence and it is probably the first time this year that I have been in my own company, with no phone ringing off the hook from him. I have mixed feelings. I don’t feel any surges of pain, just a dull sadness. One of the things that has come up is a sense of having always been kept on the outside by him. The scathing comments, the put downs, the comparisons to other women, the use of exes against me, none of that speaks to love. I feel like a complete and utter fool for having been taken in by his “love”.
What galls even more is that he is still out working. Funny how for (detail removed by Moderator) months he couldn’t find the wherewithal to work. Now he’s gliding back into it like a swan. Because he has to, because he can’t live off me any more. Which means he could always work, he just chose not to. That makes me sick.
I am sure, he will do the same to the next one. It is almost Christmas. (detail removed by Moderator), things moved too fast and he spent Christmas with us. I doubt he will manage to find another mug so easily. Or maybe he will. He’s a consummate con artist. I find myself looking at men and being repulsed by most of them now. I can’t see myself being healed from this any time soon.
I’m very tempted to book myself a short break away, Covid permitting. Sometimes a context shift is all we need. The absence of tears is probably a good thing and tells me I am not missing the walking on eggshells or berating from him. That at least feels good to be away from. He really was a tyrant and a bully. It feels so nice not having to explain myself and every little thing like I have constantly broken some law between us that I didn’t even know existed. The mind games are not mine any more, they don’t invade my mind. That can only be a positive. X
30th November 2020 at 11:54 am #117109gettingtiredParticipant
Hi I hope you’re doing ok. I’m sure it’s a mixture of emotions. Have you managed to stay away from his social media? I can imagine that’s really hard as our natural reaction would be to try and find out what/how he’s doing. I’ve often thought I’d have to get rid of my phone if I left my partner and just get one that has no internet to resist any searching for him online.
That sounds about right that he couldnt work whilst he was with you but has now thrown himself back into it. I wonder if mine would do that too. He refuses to work where we live (he’s tried working at a fair few places but always ends up leaving because of poor management/being bullied in the workplace). He only wants to work when we move to the city. I guess they think they’re entitled to not have to work if they dont want to? Mine has even made me feel bad about me having a job, saying he would love to have a job and have that social interaction. I used to put it all down to his poor mental health, depression, anxiety etc but now I’m not too sure.
You sound very strong and like you have worked things out in your head clearly. Getting away for a break sounds lovely. I’m sure a change of scenery would do you some good xx
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