He has cancer

[Spadesandrakes]

My ex and the father of my child has recently been diagnosed with advanced cancer. (detail removed by moderator)

He put me through hell and even after we split. It has taken years for me to feel safe from him but whenever i have to have contact with him, e.g. a parents evening or sorting contact out I have to really psych myself up because he can turn and even though the physical abuse and the constant emotional and verbal abuse has calmed down he can still flip.

Now he has this diagnosis and I am having to be in more contact with him to facilitate contact with our child. They are (age removed by moderator) and thinks the world of his dad, he can do no wrong. I am trying to support my child but then he will message or call me wanting emotional support and I resent him so much for that as it feels like he is trying to emotionally manipulate me again. Then I feel like I must be a bad person thinking that because he has such a bad thing now. People keep offering support to me due to it and I don’t know what to say as apart from feeling in general it is bad, such as I would for anyone, I am not feeling any personal upset about it. I just feel bad for my child who is so sad. I feel like a bad person though. And I get flashes of anger that I am supposed to just forget what he did and be there for him. I genuinely feared for my life towards the end and immediately after. My mum and sister also said they kept expecting police at the door to tell them he had killed me. Has anyone else been through this or something similar. I feel so much guilt and I don’t know how to feel other than I am maybe just a bad person now. Please help.

[Lisa]

Hi Spadesanddrakes,

You’re not a bad person for feeling this way. It’s not fair for him to be leaning on you for emotional support, you shouldn’t have to put aside the abuse that he put you through just because he now has cancer. You deserve to feel safe and increased contact with your abuser is bound to bring up difficult feelings. It sounds like he’s using his diagnosis to push his way back into your life. What you’re feeling is normal and understandable, you don’t owe him anything, of course your child is the focus of your concern.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Better-days]

Spadesanddrakes I need to reach out to you to let u know that how u are feeling is ok and u don’t need to feel guilty about it. I am a very compassionate person still living with my partner and feel the only way I can be free is if he died and that makes me feel like a terrible human being at times but how bad is it that one person can strip you to a shell of the person that you are that they chip away at u untill u have nothing left to give and the feeling u have towards them is just hate it’s so bad. I hope u are ok x

[Author]

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