he has everything I have been left with nothing

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

My ex is extremely successful and has a very high paid job, i feel it will be extremely easy for him to settle down again. He didnt really love me cus he abused me so much, so i feel the breakdown of our marriage probably is not bothering him at all. the thing is in my community its easier for men to get married again but if a women has been divorced she is seen as bad.

i keep hearing family members blaming me for not leaving him sooner or not seeing the signs because i chose him as a husband myself.
my aunty was so rude and said ‘he was a coward for doing that to you but u was also a coward for staying’ .. i felt so embarassed.
she then said to my mum (detail removed by Moderator) ‘ur daughter is so silly she was speaking to that boy on her phone its ur fault u gave her a phone and thats what got her into this mess she will never be able to marry again’. my mum supports me but sometimes she just always keeps askign me ‘why did u stay’ ‘why did u marry him’ and this just makes me feel everyone around me is victim blaming me. like yes lesson learnt i will nevver let a man do this to me ever again.

i am surprised my uncle even likes my aunty.. she doesnt do anything for my uncle and belittles him (she seems emotionally abusive) she constanstly cusses his family (us). meanwhile its good people like us on the forum (sorry i sound a tad bit of a narc) who end up with the s**t men who step all over us?

I feel i have lost everything, not only has the abuse led me to lose my baby and have a miscarriage, my contract for my job is ending in less than a few months. i am experiencing unfair treatment and racism at work, they are aware that i am a DV victim but they are using this to their advanatge and being very rude to me.

i have been left husbandless, childless and will be jobless very very soon. I also have no access to my belongings as if i go back to that property i will be harassed by my ex and his family. i have been living out of a box. the last time i left and collected my things they said hurtful things and it caused me to be tramatised and go back to him so this time im too scared incase i see him and feel i have gto go back.
i dont have enough money to replace all those items. my whole life was in my exes house.
i wear hand me downs now and i have very little makeup to go on outings so i cant feel pretty. i never go out.
this us what my ex wanted he said if u ever leave dont take any of your stuff.. its so obvious he wnated to make things harder for me and for me not to go out and look pretty.

I have lost out so much. from this post all im trying to ask is why is it that good people suffer and get absolutely nothing in life?

it seems in this situation, my whole community would turn and blame me for everything even women do this to me. like yes all these organisations and people tell us to leave the abuse but what about life after?
do they help us after or dont people just make us feel s**t.. dont organisations take forever to come back to u.

i have been waiting for weeks to hear from a DV support place.
I have lost hope and i really hope you all pray for me
i am so sorry for going on

[KIP.]

It sounds like some of the people in your community choose whatever suits them. How can you be seen as the bad one then criticised for staying. I know these voices concern you but really they don’t know what’s going on in a relationship. Have you spoken to the police about returning your belongings. Perhaps an officer could go with you if you explain you’re being refused entry. Have you had some legal advice? Keep trying other organisations. Victim support. Any other domestic abuse organisations in your area. Perhaps there are specialist services for your community. Don’t give up. It’s going to take time to heal so be kind to yourself.

[brokenheartedgirl1234]

Hi Kip,

i have previously went with the police to collect my things before him and his family still intimidated me and got rude to me infront of police officers. they first denied my entry and gave a bag of belongings of really old home clothes, then the police said thats obviously not all of her stuff. when we went inside him and his family were all so terrible to me at the time i felt scared and his family sat there recording me whilst i was packing my things and saying rude comments to me and i was pregnant at the time.
his family member kept saying im lucky to have the belongings he broguht me and my ex was there that day wearing the clothes i brought him?

KIP i am shocked people can be this evil how can u not want someone to get their belongings but wear something they brought u? like just because he brought my clothes i apparantly have no right over it.. this is so heartbreaking i was a wife to him.
because of that treatment when i went to collect my stuff i went back to him as i felt tramatised thats why if i go there again and hes there what will happen? i will be scared. also his whole neighbhourhood the day i left were all pushing me and saying the abuse didnt happen. they are all from the same culture so they stood up for one another. they would hide my dead body just to protect their image.
him and his family and his community are vile kip.

victim support is the one im waiting on.. my gp hasnt been helpful but my mentor pressed me to go to to get help so i may do that tomorrow.

[Eggshells]

Hi Brokenheartedgirl, It really isn’t OK for your Aunty to say these things. If she can’t mind her own business then she needs to stay away from your home.

As for your Mum, we’ll I’m going to be honest, it is really difficult for people to understand how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship if they’ve not been stuck in one themselves.

The psychology, the fear, the know alls like your Aunty, all make it so much more difficult than people can begin to imagine.

It is really unfair that you have lost so much but it is, unfortunately, incredibly common for women in our position.

Like you I lost my home, my job, and my community when I left. I did manage to leave with my clothes and a few other bits and bobs. Everything else came from freecycle.

Recovery is a slow process and you need time to process what has happened to you. If your GP isn’t helpful, change GP.

It feels as though you have some anger bubbling up? That is totally normal and it is not a bad thing but don’t bottle it up. Google ways of releasing anger and find one that works for you. Can you ask your Mum to have a word with your Aunty. She needs to be told to keep her opinions to herself or to stay away. Unless her comments are helpful, you don’t want to hear them.

Take one day at a time. Try mot to overthink what might happen a few weeks down the line. Today, you just have to get through today.

You can deal with tomorrow when it comes.

[Same-again]

Sad to say, it’s not just your community. It’s society as a whole who engage in victim blaming. I hear you, I feel your pain also.

My family victim blame, as to th neighbours he’s managed to convince he’s the victim. Sadly the police too.

But, they’ve not left us with nothing. Hope is what you have inside you and also the truth. Hold both things close. This time for us both is hard and challenging. I hold your hand from afar and say hold on. It won’t always feel this bad, squeeze my hand because I feel your pain. I am there with you. Hold on, we will prevail.
You are not alone.

Xx

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