He has left me alone all week..

[itmustbemesurely]

This made me anxious, I spoke to him today and he has met someone else, this made me physically sick. How can he have been pleading with me five days ago and now gone all cold, why do I feel so rejected, why do I feel so lost and upset, physically I’m ill. I’m not ready for this, she’s twenty years younger than me, I’m jealous he can just get on with his life whilst I am reeling because of the way he has treated me.

[KIP.]

This is typical abuser behaviour. Triangulation. Have you read ‘Living with the Dominator’? He’s doing this to get a reaction. Do not believe a word he says.

[itmustbemesurely]

But I still love him, the thought of him with anyone else makes me ill, I can’t eat nor sleep. He’s pleaded for months to get back together but now he is so distant I can’t cope with the upset and distress….I know I should just let it go but I can’t xx

[Anabela]

I understand it hurts. Despite all verbal and physical violence the fact that one woman for him was not enough is the most painful for me too.
I dont know if it is of much comfort but even if he has another woman it doesnt mean he will be treating her better. Definitely not. Because he is the abuser.
Think of all the things he has done to you. Read your old posts to refresh your memory. Now you feel left and probably are focusing on all the reasons you love him.
I find youtube video helpful whenever i feel i miss him.

[KIP.]

Google trauma bonding. Also triangulation. I was heart broken too but it was just a big game to him. So shallow. Rubbing my nose in his new relationship when he got caught cheating. Trying to turn the tables like it was my fault he cheated. They are liars and we miss the fake them that doesn’t exist. Ask yourself what exactly you would get by having him back in your life. They play terrible mind games. Block him on everything you can.

[SunshineRainflower]

It hurts terribly to be cheated on and/or replaced like this. Being cheated on was the worst part of the whole experience for me, even worse than his threats and jokes about killing me. I think it is to do with the lying and the betrayal, feeling worthless, easily replaced, just betrayed so badly by someone you loved and trusted – a pain like no other.

It is hard to get through but the pain definitely gets a lot better in time and eventually you start to think ‘good riddance.’ Like the others have said, he has done it on purpose to hurt you. Unlike us, abusers have low to no empathy so actually have little capacity to bond and love, which is they appear to ‘move on’ so quickly while we are left devastated – they never emotionally bonded to us the way they pretended, or the way we did to them. Unlike them, we do emotionally bond and it takes time to break that bond and heal especially after domestic abuse. He will create the illusion of another happy relationship and at first will love bomb the new woman but sadly she is in for the same abuse that you received, these men never change and leave a trail of destruction behind them.

He’s also done it because it is more likely you will return to him due to the pain. They are clever and know exactly what to do to drag us back.

[itmustbemesurely]

but i am scared of being on my own, I do get lonely and resent him as he seems after all this to be living teh single life, going out, going for meals, to the gym, football whilst I don’t have any time, am skint and will potentially homeless because of his bankruptcy…it seems unfair and to say that he has meet someone 20 years younger than me is a low level of cruel

[Anabela]

I understand it is scary and lonely. But it is better to be on your own than to be abused by someone who is supposed to be loving you. I myself feel all sorts of emotions and I know it is a long way to recovery. But even while I was still in a relationship I felt lonely. For the past few years I was missing him even while we lived together because the person i thought he was was long gone.
It is unfair that he seems to be enjoying himself. It would be ideal if you could go total no contact with him. If you dont hear from him or about him, it will help you to heal xx

[KIP.]

Abusers make sure they are the centre of our world so it’s only natural that there will feel like there’s a gaping hole. I felt like this but over time I filled that hole with wonderful things that I wanted to do. He stunted my growth. It’s very painful in the beginning trying to adjust imagination running wild. My exes next victim was much younger and vulnerable. They are predators and with time you will see him for what he is. Meantime be kind to yourself. My ex went out of his way to make sure I knew about his relationship. Trying to make me jealous and rub my nose in it. I can see now what he was doing but at the time I was still in the FOG.

[itmustbemesurely]

it’s been worse than the constant texting to be honest, radio silence is killing me, I am so anxious, can’t eat, am physically sick. It’s like I have just hit a wall, and I do look back and think was it me….why doesn’t he want me anymore..it’s such an odd feeling like I am in shock I guess x*x

[KIP.]

It was never about you. It’s was always about him being in control. I remember the anxiety of no contact. It’s the not knowing, not being able to anticipate his next abusive outburst. Not being able to placate him and see it coming. It’s all to do with the trauma bonding. Try to read as much as you can about abusers. ‘why does he do that’ by Lundy Bancroft. Or ‘living with the dominator’ by Pat Craven. Yes you’re in shock. Try to force food and water into your body. You need to keep your energy levels up to stay sane through this. Keep your guard up. Block him on everything. They often try to hoover us back. It’s easier to recycle an old victim than break in a new one x

[itmustbemesurely]

but I feel more ill now than ever, I’ve lost a stone, can’t eat i fell worse than when I was pounded with hideous abuse, I can’t explain it xx

[Good samaritan]

I know exactly what you mean. The other participants are right though especially with regards to trauma bonding. It isn’t heartbreak you are feeling it is the breaking free from the addiction you had to him. I fell out of love quite some time ago and separated several months ago but he forced me to break the no contact using an allegation against me just so he could try and seek some kind of twisted revenge by introducing his new girlfriend into the dynamic not only his new girlfriend but also her son and friend. It is the trauma that is distressing you so much. Like going cold turkey from substance misuse. You will get there hang on in x

[itmustbemesurely]

I guess it is, it’s just the loneliness that’s hard too xx I swing from hate to love like a pendulum and it’s so b****y hard….today I hate him yesterday I wanted to lie with him, but I know in my heart of hearts it’s grief x*x thanks so much for your kind words xx

[Author]

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