He has never been physically violent with me, why am I so scared to leave?

[Medusa]

I have decided that I want to leave my husband. I actually decided that many years ago when he started shouting at me on holiday when I directed us down the wrong road. He was so outraged and screamed about me not having a brain in front of our small children. That was probably somewhere between the 5th and 10th time he had such a moment of rage. Our children are bigger now and I feel that I have reached the end of what I can cope with. Although we are not in a good place right now and he probably half expects a break up, I am so worried to tell him. I worry because he is so strong verbally and can ‘outtalk’ me at any time. He can’t convince me to stay, I don’t love him anymore but he can make it sound like it’s all my fault. I am the one letting our marriage down, I am the one ripping up the children’s world etc etc.
I don’t know where to tell him, I don’t want to be alone with him when I do. Has anyone actually said they don’t want to go on anymore whilst at counseling? We have a session (detail removed by Moderator). I was hoping that with her help we could stay on topic. K have said in our sessions that I think my husband crosses the line both in terms of shouting demeaning things at me and the children and when telling our eldest to manage his panic attacks or we may ‘have to section him’.

Any insight into how you delivered the message would be very helpful.
X

[Bananaboat]

Hi, I don’t have the answer but just wanted to say your kids probably know more than you think. I don’t know how old they are but could you talk to them? Could the panic attacks be because of him and/or the uncomfortable home life? Of course he’ll blame you, make you out to be the bad guy, tell everyone you broke up the family but you can’t change that and you won’t be able to reason with him in arguments. Mine senses a shift and is telling ppl lies left right and centre to make it out that he’s the victim. I know the truth and if ppl chose to believe him they aren’t worth my time.

[Eyesopening]

Hey, if your scared maybe you should just leave and then notify him by letter/email.
Listen to that feeling, it’s right. He has created that response in your so don’t feel bad about following it in a safe way.
Women are always advised never to tell their partner they are leaving in abusive situations. It’s the most dangerous time.
I left pretending I would be back and sent him an email saying I was not coming back.
I was scared of him, I wasn’t worried about violence so much, more his words and other actions would probably have kept me there out of fear/guilt/shame no matter what I wanted. So to escape, I did it that way. He made me feel terrible for doing it that way. Months later, I know I did the right thing. He left me no other option.
xx

[Balloons]

To have a go at answering your topic title – not being physically violent does not mean he doesn’t instill fear. The shouting indicates that he has a temper, and that he is willing to direct it at you. Abuse is all about control, some men never have to lift a finger to have that power over someone, the threat is implied.

When I left my abuser, I did tell him face to face but had safety measures in place. The children were staying elsewhere, and I had relatives parked outside and also on the phone listening in so they could intervene if necessary. My abuser also never physically assaulted me, but I was absolutely petrified of him. I told him face to face because I felt that I “owed” it to him. In hindsight, I can see I owed him nothing at all. I would have been far safer, and happier if I’d just left him a note and cut all ties and went no contact. I wish I’d set up a third party contact point before I’d left, so I wouldn’t have to deal with his manipulations afterwards that went on for months.

I think telling him at counselling is a good idea, but make sure you have your transport sorted and where you’re going arranged so you can leave and not look back. I would even advise planning who could be your third party and maybe use the same session to let him know you are not willing to talk directly to him and that he needs to contact so-and-so for arranging anything at all. Do you have somewhere safe you can go with the children?

[Kitkat44]

Hi Medusa
I am literally packing up to leave today. It’s taken a while to get here.
I was just about to post on here that I feel I’ve finally accepted I’m scared of him. I’ve tried to tell him this and he laughs at me and gives occasions when I’ve felt backed into a corner or he has been banging around in a strop that I have tried to ignore then got so fed up of the banging I’ve yelled at him to stop.
This is why he had this hold over me, he can throw things back at me over and over and I go into freeze response so can’t say anything back-can’t think of a reasonable intelligent reply. So I’m sneaking away. And it’s because I feel scared of him so it’s not on me it’s on him.
I have slowly been reaching out to people, a therapist/life coach, then close friends, parents and brother, my boss at work.
Only others who have been in this situation understand how it feels.
I trust myself enough to know this truth now.
Have you contacted your local DA charity? Do you have a friend or relative you can confide in?
Take care, keep posting
Xx

[nbumblebee]

@kitkat44 huge good luck sweetie let us know how you are. You got this 💪

@Medusa Listen to your gut and go.
I would go first gwt you and your kids somewhere safw then tell him maybe with someone you trust with you so you are not alone with him.
Good luck stay strong and listen to your fear listen to your gut. Xxxxx

[ISOPeace]

Kitkat44 you are not sneaking away! ‘Sneaking away’ is the only safe way to leave an abuser. I’ve read on this formum and you don’t don’t leave an abuser, you escape. You’ve come to the realisation that you have to do it behind his back because you are trusting your instincts, which is brilliant. He will do everything he can to make you ignore your instincts so he maintains the power imbalance. You are absolutely right – it’s on him. He has forced you to choose between what he wants and your own safety. There is no shame in choosing your own safety! Sending love xxxx

[ISOPeace]

Hi Medusa, you’re describing very typical abusive behaviour and I’m really sad to hear that he is also abusive towards your eldest. He will always be able to ‘outtalk’ you because 1. he is convinced that his behaviour is ok/justified and 2. he has spent years eroding your confidence, brainwashing you into accepting his behaviour, believing it’s your fault and feeling perpetually confused. Engaging with an abuser is futile because they are not interested in a normal 2 way conversation, their goal is to crush you into submission. You will never get him to see reason because he is not interested in being reasonable, he’s interested in control.

I remember having similar thoughts about addressing the abuse and then saying it was over during counselling. I think I thought it would be a safe place to say it and the counsellor would help him see what was happening. But it was just wishful thinking. The reality is that an abuser doesn’t have the intention of making things better for both of you. He just wants to maintain his control over you so anything said in counselling is pretty much worthless. He’ll just go back on it when it suits him. It’s common for abusers to use what the counsellor says against you. My ex would say the counsellor only said his behaviour wasn’t ok because I had misled her. Women’s Aid recommend not having counselling with an abuser because it is another opportunity for them to be manipulative.

The sad fact is that an abuser wants control and leaving an abuser is the ultimate loss of control for them. They simply won’t take it like a normal person so there’s no way to do it and expect a reasonable response. Women’s Aid advice is to not give an abuser any indication that you’re planning to leave, because typically abuse escalates at this time (including violence happening for the first time). The only safe way to tell him is after you have left and when you are physically safe from him. Please don’t underestimate how aggressive and manipulating he might be. When I left I drafted an email which I sent once I’d gone. That also gave me the opportunity to avoid legal issues about taking the kids (I spoke to a solicitor about whether it would count against me to take the kids without warning and got advise on what to write in the email).

To answer your initial question, you’re scared because of the psychology of abuse. A psychologist who identified the components of brainwashing prisoners of war (Biderman’s chart of coercion) found that violence was not necessary. The same components are found in controlling behaviour. You might find it useful to look up trauma bonding, which explains how our survival responses are manipulated into believing we are safer staying put than leaving. Being scared is a totally normal human response to the situation you’re in. I felt such relief when I found out it was normal as my ex wasn’t physically violent towards me. Some people say that the psychological prison created by the abuser is stronger than the physical barriers and risks of leaving. Sending love xxxx

[Medusa]

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and to remind me that I don’t owe him a face-to-face break up. I don’t owe him an explanation either and that is an important one to me, I feel like I have to explain myself. It should be enough that he has shouted very loud at me, calling me names and he has scared our children.
I have made some preparation but I really hope that it will be civilized when I finally have the guts to tell him.
I wish you all the best ladies and please let us know how you get on @kitkat44
I also tried to explain that I am scared of his anger but he just said ‘you don’t need to walk on eggshells’ but I do….

[Medusa]

I would like to thank you @ISOPeace your post touched on a lot of important things about therapy. I think we’re lucky to have a very good therapist. I have used words like aggression and examples of degrading terminology used by my husband. It seems like the therapist picked up on that and has asked to see us individually because she feels that I perceive that I don’t have a voice.
How true.. everything i say is twisted.
(Detail removed by moderator) you have to be well to be able to cope with being sick and it’s the same with this – you need to be in a good place to be able to cope with abuse… so don’t be hard on yourselves, you are hurt yet fighting 💕

[maddog]

It’s really good that your counsellor has picked up on the abuse. Many don’t, and cause only more harm.

Please get as much real life support as you can muster through maybe your local Women’s Aid, GP, school/playgroup and any other organisation involved in family life. You really don’t have to tell your partner anything. Leaving is the most dangerous time and it’s really important to make safety plans.

There’s much more to abuse than physical aggression. Your local WA may have a solicitor attached. Citizen’s Advice often have one as well. Rights of Women is really helpful. So is The Court Said.

It’s one thing separating from a normal person. It’s quite another when that person is an abuser and a narciss*st.

[Shocknawe]

Hi Medusa, This was my situation too. But when he shouts at you, he is already being aggressive and has not respected civilised boundaries – after those are broken it is only a matter of time when they escalate to throwing things or hitting you. I was petrified, frozen in fear and I think what Kitkat44 is saying to actually admit that you are scared is very important. I figured it out only when I had so many panic attacks (like your son) that I couldn’t really blame the symptoms exclusively on me, myself and I – I had never had them before and they have stopped now that I am not with him.
Even so, with the truth right there in front of me, I would not leave. I kept blaming myself and even when I managed to finally leave him I did the “it’s not you, it’s me” thing. He went crazy, a real mad man and if it wasn’t because my friend was waiting with her car outside (he had gone crazy on the phone so I could tell he was dangerous) and don’t know what would have happen.
I can completely understand how fear blocks you from leaving. It is scary.

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