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    • #120062
      Dolly2019
      Participant

      I have posted on here before and recently, the agony of my ex’s silence really started to kick in.

      It will be (detail removed by moderator) since the attack. That’s a mere (detail removed by moderator). In my life that is the blink of an eye. I am still hurting each day, missing his energy, his voice, his smell, him.

      I mentioned that I ignored (detail removed by moderator) and he left a tearful voice message (detail removed by moderator). Woe is me, it implied, I am all alone, you haven’t even broken cover (detail removed by moderator).

      I saw him (detail removed by moderator) past my house (detail removed by moderator). Then absolutely nothing (detail removed by moderator).

      I have started having work done at my house. Builders are in (detail removed by moderator)etc. He always saw any builders at my house as a “betrayal” as I would be “flirting” with them or (detail removed by moderator).

      The (detail removed by moderator) came in and left detritus outside, I had a missed No Caller ID (detail removed by moderator). I am certain he couldn’t resist (detail removed by moderator) and seeing the activity.

      It turns out, my brother only just told me, (detail removed by moderator) he sees my ex (detail removed by moderator) chatting to a girl. “They were about a foot apart. It looked like a conversation a couple would have”.

      The bottom fell out of my world at the words.

      Up until this point, my ex had (detail removed by moderator) on his WhatsApp. (Detail removed by moderator). It was very strange. At the time, it made no sense to me. Why, after (detail removed by moderator) of it being my home, change it to (detail removed by moderator).

      I had the aha moment yesterday. He most likely saw (detail removed by moderator). He said, after all, “it was very empty. Hardly anyone was about”.

      I now realise, he probably panicked when he saw my brother. Thought he would tell me what he saw. My brain would put two and two together and make 4.

      He didn’t want the element of surprise of what he is doing to be lost. He didn’t want to be discovered. After all of his (detail removed by moderator)

      Not even (detail removed by moderator), and he is seen out with someone he either knew from before, or someone he somehow managed to pick up in a lockdown.

      Either way, it all makes sense. He went underground. From randomly showing up in the road near me, in the shop, (detail removed by moderator), to suddenly being nowhere to be seen. Meant, he was in another woman’s home the way he was with me. Staying in, staying warm, eating, screwing, smoking, in her home, on her time. The sudden absence of his presence was too obvious. He had a new supply and had clearly let go of the notion of getting me back.

      I haven’t broken cover, nor will I. The pain of this revelation had me almost nauseas. My heart thumped and raced.

      All I can imagine is them being intimate, him doing all the things to her he did to me, the gentle, intimate moments, the sweet words, the chemistry. It kills me to think that it is 4:15am and he is probably fast asleep under her duvet, wrapping his legs around her and telling her all the things he said to me.

      The fact that she is a certain type of look. It confirms that he had a type, always did, he went back to the type that reminds him most of his ex.

      “She was about (detail removed by moderator) said my brother. Younger, less experienced, like his ex. How did he find new supply in this climate?

      The fact that he was chatting to her (detail removed by moderator) so brazenly. I could have walked nearby at any point with my child. It almost sounds like he wanted to be seen.

      But why, then, did he still have a picture (detail removed by moderator) WhatsApp? Why did he change it to (detail removed by moderator) Why has he STILL not blocked me on WhatsApp?

      The last question I can’t answer. I blocked him (detail removed by moderator) the attack and haven’t unblocked him. He used to block me, occasionally, when we bought, but not for long.

      He still hasn’t. (Detail removed by moderator) now he has changed his picture but not blocked me. He may be changing his picture for them, but unlikely. It’s more likely to be a message to me. Or maybe not.

      Either way, my home doesn’t feel like mine any more. I still have a bag of his clothes, which still smell of him. The agony of smelling them is to much. I am *thisclose* to binning them, but I haven’t yet. I don’t know if I would regret it to let go of the very last things, or if I need to bin them and lose that other little tie to him. He isn’t coming back, as much as I still physically miss him, it is over over. There is no way back now. There never was, but what my brother saw has harpooned that completely.

      If, if he saw my brother (there is a very high chance he did), then he too will know I am not someone who would forgive such a speedy rebound. I would never go back after he had moved on. I know, he would know that.

      The finality of it is agony. My house feels alien. I feel like a fool missing him, when he is lying next to another woman, touching her body the way he touched me. What we had is gone, over. The intimacy, the conspiracy that we had as a couple, is gone. I would not, cannot regard him in the same way. My feelings, my home, my heart, feels alien to me. It feels as if he and I never happened. One minute he was crying down the phone, begging me to speak to him. The next he has another woman and what we had is over, gone, forgotten.

      I keep imaging him texting her on the phone (detail removed by moderator). Wearing my (detail removed by moderator)that I never got back. Wearing the (detail removed by moderator) i gave him. Wearing these little (detail removed by moderator) that for us meant so much, which now are mere trappings to look good for her.

      I don’t think he has forgotten me completely. The change of profile picture to (detail removed by moderator) said so much. My friends and I were baffled about what it meant, why he did it. But then, my brother had been reluctant to reveal what he saw. Now, it all makes sense.

      I ask myself, what will his next steps be? Will he block me? Will he try one last time to make contact? What do I do if the unimaginable happens and I see him in the shop? I feel rooted to the spot with fear, hurt, shame.

      How has he moved on so quickly, while I am drowning in confusion, hurt, agony, betrayal, longing, nostalgia. How can he be intimate with a woman, when I cannot even imagine being intimate with a man?

      Why, even after this revelation, do I still pine for him sexually? Why am I not able to switch my brian off, be disgusted? Why can I not stop thinking about him as sexually betraying me? He is single, a sex addict (un my opinion). This is what he does. Why can my brain not let me accept that? That he probably lined this girl up sooner, he just chose to act on it recently?

      How do I deal with this? I can’t sleep. This is absolute hell. X

    • #120068
      KIP.
      Participant

      The trauma bond lasts quite a while. You don’t need to hear anything about him. If you block and delete everything it makes the trauma bond break quicker. Start by throwing out one piece of his clothing at a time. Tell your brother you don’t want to know anything about him. Remember he’s a master manipulator and will no doubt have other women in the background if he can. He’s leaving contact opportunity open for you purely to mess with your head again. To reel you in for another discard and further punishment. You can’t control what he does but you can control what you do. It’s a very painful grieving process and it you’d heard this story in six months of no contact it wouldn’t hurt so much. Don’t let your imagination run away with you. I used to do this. My ex would drop hints and tell me other people were interested in him, all designed to make me feel jealous. They are good at manipulation. Your brother doesn’t know what was really going on between him and the woman in the street. He could have seen your brother and made a big show about asking a stranger for directions. Then flirted. It could have been the sister of a friend. Remember he knows what hurts you, he knows your family, friends etc. There was a price to pay for all that pretence of intimacy from him. Try to think of the abuse. That’s the price you pay to be involved with these men and that price is way too high x

    • #120071
      Dolly2019
      Participant

      Hi Kip. Thank you for your thoughts. I wholly agree that leaving a contact lifeline is, as you rightly point out, for him a hopeful means by which I will go back and offer myself up for one final and brutal discard. I have no wish to give him that, nor will I. I will move heaven and earth not to be seen by him. This last b**w is too much. The game. Keeping the door ajar. Plainly lining up another woman / women. All the while attempting to mislead me with the (detail removed by moderator).

      My mother is convinced he changed it to (detail removed by moderator)so as not to lose the element of surprise if I did go back. He is a n********t. He would have wanted me to believe, naively, for as long as possible that he was being “faithful”. What better way to lure me back, only to have that up his sleeve as a final cruel b**w. “I don’t fancy you any more. It’s changed. I’ve met someone…”

      My brother clocking him ruined that. Hence the desperate bid to say (detail removed by moderator)

      It also serves a secondary purpose as if to say, ‘if you believe your brother and believe I am sleeping around, then in my mind that gives you the green light to do the same.’

      He wanted to control from beyond the grave. In his world, if I moved on with unseemly haste, I was (detail removed by moderator)

      So he would no way have wanted me to think he had moved on, because it would give me the go ahead to do the same. I know his mindset. He would not want me to have closure or to move on.

      I think, it will feel better to do a bulk dump of his clothes in one go. My brain is racing at 1000 miles an hour. My brain keeps looping back and replaying fights we had. I feel I have to concentrate so hard to even remember why they started, so frequent were they. His voice messages(detail removed by moderator). It was ok for him to threaten other women and how he could go back to his ex whenever he wanted. But for me to say if I could go back and start over, I wouldn’t have dated him, he said that was the (detail removed by moderator).

      Calling me filthy names, taunting me with women. Saying cruel things about my body, how his ex was (detail removed by moderator). But when I tell him he isn’t all that, he is devastated by my words. One rule for him, another for me.

      I don’t believe she will be getting better treatment necessarily. It only took (detail removed by moderator) for him to lose his rag at me and start name calling. He has limited control. He may play it more safely with this one initially (she is, if my brother is to be believed, (detail removed by moderator) and possibly more gullible. My resistance to his games angered him. I wasn’t docile or dumb enough to “let s**t go”. All along he called me sensitive and read too much into things. Or, I saw through him.

      The coldest feeling is that we never happened. That everything we shared is now gone, and he is making new memories with another woman already. After saying he would find it so hard to move on. He is already in another woman’s bed, probably sweet talking her the way he did me. Comparing our bodies. Telling himself she is fitter / tighter / younger / hotter. He would not just go with any old dog. He has “standards”. For him, it would be too much of an insult to go for a middle of the road when he (detail removed by moderator) in me. I am terrified of seeing them out. Terrified.

      I know this bond will take time to break. I am reminding myself of the awful rages and his horrible moods. I do feel shamed. My gut all along said he didn’t respect me. He saw me as a bit of posh potty, a (detail removed by moderator) as he once called me. I was not his ex. He hated me for not being her. I stand by that. The shame of knowing I fell in love with this guy and he was mentally with her and not with me all along really stings. How could I let myself be used like that. How, did I not walk when the signs were there. Some major work to do there to unplug why I was so scared to let him go. The trauma bond started within the first week. Something went off in my brian and I need to know what. When I can unpick that, I can hopefully find a way through this. X

    • #120072
      KIP.
      Participant

      These men as you rightly say target women they feel are vulnerable.they are predators and con men. I remember the first few months of separation. My mind wouldn’t shut off. All these memories, the lies he’d told. The things he’d done. The contradiction. The cognitive dissonance. How he told me I was his soul mate then trapped me in rooms and coerced sex. That cognitive dissonance causes a terrible internal conflict. It’s shows just why we were happy to believe the lies. It’s easier than the internal conflict that comes when we accept them. It will get easier. Much easier. The sleep deprivation the intrusive thoughts, nightmares and night terrors. Brain fog, confusion. It’s all going to take time to work through but you will get to a stage where it won’t affect you like this. When you understand he was just a con man and predator that messed with your head with his lies and gaslighting and put downs designed to destroy your confidence and bond you to him. Concentrate on you. Be kind to you. Take baby steps and good riddance to bad rubbish x

    • #120080
      Madmam
      Participant

      I posted recently about how my ex was on a dating ensure merely days after saying how much he missed me. It hurt I have to be honest.

      But honestly I think he is trying to be the first to have a partner again, like a race. Also, I think these men need someone to feed off. I imagine he is incredibly lonely, during this epidemic even more so. He moved on from his last relationship with me too fast but I ignored the red flags. It won’t go well for him.

      You have your child, so you are not alone and that probably kills him. I tell myself that everyday that at least I’m not stuck sitting alone like he is.

      Him persuing another girl isn’t a sign of what a catch he is, it’s a sign of how sad and lonely he is. Let him suffer. He deserves it.

    • #120084
      Dolly2019
      Participant

      Hi Madmam,

      Thank you for your thoughts. I agree entirely that they see it as a race. My ex husband slept with someone else very shortly after I filed the petition, but he pleaded with me (whilst keeping this to himself)(detail removed by moderator) Basically, he was lining up dates and sleeping around, but he wanted to control my movements until it was such time that HE was ready to move on.

      The thing that hurts about this is he told me in no uncertain terms that he “cried for months” over his ex. Ok, that didn’t mean to say that he didn’t sleep around to get over her, but it suggests it took him a long time to purge her from his system. He said that the first girl he slept with after her,(detail removed by moderator).

      (Detail removed by moderator).

      I agree that he is probably chasing skirt to keep loneliness at bay. Knowing I have a house, a child, money, food, family, he must have felt destitute during Christmas and lockdown. The sobs on the vm (detail removed by moderator) would seem to indicate that he was suffering very badly. No doubt, the start of a New Year without hearing from me was enough for him to decide he had to pick himself up and start again.

      He too moved on from his ex with alarming speed. They broke up (detail removed by moderator).  By all accounts he didn’t love them, as he was quick to jettison them in favour of me. (detail removed by moderator).

      Not since he was (detail removed by moderator) In other words, he continually had women in play. So, it’s not really a surprise that he has moved on.

      What makes me sick is that all that while he had that picture up that was a direct link to me. Then, in a blink after total radio silence, he changes the pictures (detail removed by moderator).

      I have just stumbled across a song list in my 2019 diary that I wrote after a night with him. It is almost too painful to read. I am scared about even trying to listen to some of the songs in case they just break me down.

      I feel almost envious that he did have all that time up until New Year to process the break up. When he broke bail and ambushed me, he was shaking and crying, saying he couldn’t eat or sleep, that he could barely get out of bed, he was thinking about me 24/7. Roll on (detail removed by moderator) and he seems to have bounced back remarkably well while my mind has taken a sharp decline. I had the constancy of his communications to take my mind off the pain and of course Christmas and New Year. The reassurance given by his constant calls and sightings made me feel, somehow, that it wasn’t completely over. Up until the last call, I was thinking even that I might meet him for one last walk to get answers to questions. The reality of what my brother told me has stripped me bare of any hope that he would give me closure, that he might still miss me. It was like a punch in the stomach. He is no longer sitting alone or pining in his flat. He now has a companion, whether she is his “soul mate” is another matter, but he has someone to scratch the itch and move on with.

      A rebound? Yes, for sure. Probably one of many until he finds another more permanent victim. I just feel jettisoned and as if I have a long road of grief recovery to do, while he has broken the back of his hurt and has turned a corner. I feel devastated. X

    • #120087
      Madmam
      Participant

      Yep you’ve summed up exactly how I was/am feeling. BTW he is also not being very responsible meeting up with women while there’s a pandemic going on and we are being urged to stay away from each other. You should hold onto that too.

    • #120088
      KIP.
      Participant

      Telling you he cried for months over his ex was just more lies to elicit sympathy from you. If he cried it was because as a parasite he lost his host. Every time you think of things he said to you, remember the word liar.

    • #120089
      Dolly2019
      Participant

      I think he genuinely did suffer after her. The way he met her, it seemed she had the upper hand and made him work to get her. They started out with a different dynamic and he trauma bonded to her after a series of tragic events that happened in quick succession. He did time for her. She wasn’t even there when he got out and he forgave her, saying (Detail removed by moderator).

      (Detail removed by moderator)He forgave her.

      But he got her back.

      He isn’t even trying with me now. It has been a blink and he has moved on.

      I have asked this before and it is question I am asking out of hope that I haven’t been utterly discarded by him emotionally. Is he likely to contact me again? Or is this the finality I dreaded? If he did, I would not respond or speak in any way. But knowing what to expect, give or take, helps.

      I just went out for an hour to the park. Our park where we sat in the summer. (Detail removed by moderator). It was desolate and empty. In this weather, I had hoped to catch a glimpse of him doing what I was doing. Re-treading the memory boards. But no. It feels now like it’s no longer ‘our’ park. He has detached. Found another girl. Probably inside eating, screwing, chatting, not thinking about me. I feel like a fool. I’m painfully trying to let go, do some work, keep the wheels on the bus and he is nowhere to be seen. Before Christmas he was chasing me down, he found me most days.

      Now, he has no need. Even though I ditched him, blocked him, went to the police, I feel he has discarded me like the worthless trash he always said I was. He never really cared and the speed of his recovery shows me that.

      I am struggling so badly. X

    • #120097
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hey Dolly, his behaviour has no reflection on you.you’re looking to a nasty selfish abuser with no moral compass for validation. From what you’ve already said he’s a convicted criminal, lazy, selfish, nasty, violent, abusive, parasite. Why would you look to someone like him for validation. He’s a waste of space and has simply brainwashed and traumatised you. Take a step back and try to think logically not emotionally x I know it’s hard but this too shall pass x

    • #120108
      Dolly2019
      Participant

      Hi KIP, I am trying every tool in my Arsenal to get over this hump. I am just crucified that he seems to have given up on all contact so abruptly. One day it was there, then it wasn’t. I always knew it would cease once he had a new girlfriend.

      I can imagine him just smoking, watching (detail removed by moderator), chatting to girls, waiting to go to them or for them to come to him and just putting me completely out of his mind.

      The only power I have left is silence. He will not know what I am doing or who I am speaking to. That is all I have to hold to.

      I don’t believe he left it very long to move on but I clearly felt much more for him than he did me. Men find it easier to move on, especially someone like him who has multiple (detail removed by moderator) to turn to. He always juggled at least two women when he wasn’t properly locked down.

      No, this is final. He has now found the strength to stay away. It is a big statement to me that he accepts it is over.

      He may hope, by leaving me unblocked, that I break cover and return for a final humiliation. I don’t know. Or he simply can’t be arsed to block me. My mother said he won’t block you because he will always want to know whether you reached out to him or not. I believe there is a lot of truth to that.

      I cannot stop thinking about him screwing another woman. He will know I am thinking that. He knows me better than I realise. But, I also know he will be wondering who I might be getting cosy with. His sexual interest won’t I imagine have died overnight. Who knows.

      This is torture. It feels like karma for when I went no contact on him for all those weeks and he cried and wept. This is my karma now for thinking his interest would sustain such brutal silence. I know he deserved it, and a man like him would never thank me for that.

      Thank goodness I have held my nerve and didn’t c***k. I just have to keep holding on and holding on.

      X

    • #120109
      KIP.
      Participant

      You need to ride out this cold turkey and it will pass. I know how you feel because I’ve been there. Now I will be eternally grateful for the woman he cheated on me with because he had someone to take his attention away and to give me the push I needed to block him. After he hurt me so badly, that was what stopped me going back. Knowing he would simply continue to twist the knife. I don’t think you have heard the last of this man. They have no concept of time. I’ve heard of one five years later texting a woman who he had abused and been arrested for abusing and was given a non harrassment order. Yet five years later just when she was recovering he texts to ask how she is and if she still has his salad spinner. I won’t forget that post. By then it’s not so triggering but still toxic. Dysfunctional toxic people. Hang in there and do what you can to distract yourself x

    • #120110
      Dolly2019
      Participant

      I’m trying so hard to lean into the pain and not away from it. The hardest, most excruciating pain is thinking of him in bed with another woman. His calling card was being a very attentive and generous lover and I hate to think of him assessing, comparing, enjoying another woman’s body. I know it’s inevitable but it still hurts.

      Has anyone else had that sort of searing jealousy?

      I keep telling myself it’s only a matter of time until she gets the foul mouth, the requests for money, the little swipes and digs. Whoever she is, she won’t escape lightly.

      I also keep remembering his foul moods and the way he switched and I hold to his Jekyll and Hyde behaviour which was horrific.

      I figured the more I lean into the pain, the less it will be over time.

      It’s a combination of him sexually moving on so abruptly (and trying to con me with the WhatsApp picture) and just disappearing off the face of the map. This means he’s either ruthlessly choosing to stay away or he has better places to be (with other women).

      Either way, I feel he will get over this far more quickly than I will.

    • #120111
      Dolly2019
      Participant

      I’m trying so hard to lean into the pain and not away from it. The hardest, most excruciating pain is thinking of him in bed with another woman. His calling card was being a very attentive and generous lover and I hate to think of him assessing, comparing, enjoying another woman’s body. I know it’s inevitable but it still hurts.

      Has anyone else had that sort of searing jealousy?

      I keep telling myself it’s only a matter of time until she gets the foul mouth, the requests for money, the little swipes and digs. Whoever she is, she won’t escape lightly.

      I also keep remembering his foul moods and the way he switched and I hold to his Jekyll and Hyde behaviour which was horrific.

      I figured the more I lean into the pain, the less it will be over time.

      It’s a combination of him sexually moving on so abruptly (and trying to con me with the WhatsApp picture) and just disappearing off the face of the map. This means he’s either ruthlessly choosing to stay away or he has better places to be (with other women).

      Either way, I feel he will get over this far more quickly than I will.

    • #120115
      KIP.
      Participant

      These men do not bond like we do. They are just too shallow to form any sort of bond which is unhealthy. It’s not like they ever move on as such, they just find new hosts like a parasite.

    • #120278
      Mrsbluesky99
      Participant

      Hey Dolly

      After reading your post it just resonated with me so much I felt a need to respond. I was exactly at the place you currently find yourself in right now. Emotion wise anyway, I have no idea if he met someone new though I expect so .. I went no contact. I left (detail removed by Moderator) after a physical attack and by the end of (detail removed by Moderator) he had gotten himself a suspended jail sentence and me a (detail removed by Moderator) year restraining order .. Which he has broken (detail removed by Moderator) times may I hasten to add .. Over the Christmas period an I love you and an I miss you message. I’ve not reported this though now I’m thinking I maybe should have. It was Christmas emotions were running high and he was probably drunk. But I just want you to know after (detail removed by Moderator) months almost if this unbearable pain and grief .. I felt every single thing you mentioned the intensity the soul mate feeling the sex .. I am starting to feel a little better. Not much but an improvement I am feeling so I’m hoping for full recovery. Don’t be envious of this new woman .. Eventually she will be exactly where your st now she has it all to come mark my words. If anything feel sympathy for her coz like so many of us right at this moment in time she has absolutely no idea about how her life is going to be destroyed in the very near future .. It’s so sad. She’d more than likely be like us .. Just looking for love. It isn’t gonna happen Dolly. Just let your feelings come I know how hard this is but just don’t reach out however horrendous you feel. Keep pushing ahead .. Your not alone x

      • #120281
        KIP.
        Participant

        Hi, please report any breaches of the order as soon as possible. I pushed back every time he pushed my boundaries and I don’t regret it. Report it, hold him accountable. It keeps you strong and keeps him out your head until you’re much more able to deal with him. He’s trying little hooks and he won’t stop. How dare he.

    • #120283
      Mrsbluesky99
      Participant

      Hey KIP

      I know your right my family wasn’t too happy I chose to not report also. I was just so drained and tired and scared with it all .. I still am. And Christmas/New Year I just felt I couldn’t handle police and the questions etc over the holidays .. Ruining everything. And coz of the suspended sentence I was scared of getting him put in there and coming out more mad that I’d done that to him (even though he would of done it himself but not in his eyes) so up until now I’ve left it but I have a feeling his mindset will be ‘oh well she hasn’t so far so I’ll carry on’ It’s just awful KIP. I suffer terrible anxiety and depression since all of this. We wasn’t even together that long prob best part of (detail removed by Moderator) that’s it. How women endure this for years .. No idea it’s so very sad.

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