He is fine for a lot of the time…

[Appin7]

Hi I am new and trying to work out what to do. My husband has been drip feeding me the same lines for years, that I wouldn’t find anyone else as good as him, that he is the real deal, etc followed by slagging off his friends saying ‘ would you want someone like x who gets drunk’ or would you want someone like y who acts like a meek old man. These things are said regularly and in no context, just random. So I guess he has no respect for his friends let alone me or the kids.
I would say that about 70 percent of the time he is OK towards us in his behaviour and words. It’s the rest of the time that it awful.
It all came to a head last weekend when he argued with our son over nothing but then our son turned round and said his dad never had a conversation with him and just throws a money at him and why couldn’t they have a proper father/son relationship.
Then my husband totally lost the plot and freaked out shouting about how ungrateful our son was and really got in his face. Note that our son stayed calm. He is (removed by moderator). Then my husband yelled ‘look at you getting all angry and defensive’ to my son when it was in fact my husband who was angry and defensive. Then he told my son to get out the kitchen and stepped towards him. Our son said ‘don’t touch me’ to which my husband claimed he would if he wanted and then I stepped between them because there is no way anyone is touching my kids even if they are technically an adult and taller than me. I calmly faced my husband and said ‘ no you won’t’ and then our teen daughter came in and pulled our son out the room.
My husband carried on ranting and raving about our son being an grateful little ( don’t want to use his exact words but you get the idea) and he went and sat in the lounge still mouthing off.
I went in and calmly asked him what the hell he thought he was doing. I pointed out he had threatened my son to which he said he would beat him to the ground if he had to. I replied that he would have to get through me first so he said he would knock me down too. I was shocked that he would say all this but after digging around for info online over the next couple of days I realised that this pattern of behaviour has occurred many times over our marriage.
The next day I tried to speak to my husband to get him to make up with our son but he said he hadn’t done anything wrong and what did I expect if he was provoked! I said I expected him to be able to control his behaviour as a parent and then he said the most ridiculous thing ever… He claimed that it was because he is black! I honestly tried to not to laugh,,especially as he is only 1/4 black anyway, but it was like talking to a child who was trying to find any excuse for their behaviour. Within the conversation my husband actually said that he ‘had to win’ at everything which just shows how screwed up he is.
After discovering info online about passive aggressive behaviour I realised that every argument we have ever had over the years classically fits the profile regarding his behaviour. His constant drip of verbal lines aimed to keep me with him. One of his classics is that he says I have nothing to moan about as he lets me go and come as I please and implies other men would not ( he must think other men are living in the 18th century…) .
Anyway, after this major incident where he has effectively ripped our family apart I have realised I have some serious things to consider. He did not care that I was upset and crying and asking him to make up with our son. He doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. He has excuses for his behaviour. He doesn’t care that I am upset or about the impact on our kids. He says he now has no son then said this happened between himself and his father years ago. I said that the cycle didn’t need to repeat but it fell on deaf ears.
I don’t think I can carry on with this relationship with a man who I now see has clearly manipulated me for years and who obviously doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t give my feeling any concern and in retrospective he never has. I am sick of me and the kids walking on egg shells when he is in bad moods and never knowing when he is going to fly off the handle. Note, he has not been physically abusive, only threatened, and it is his way with words that makes me end up doubting myself. He has done this for years. I feel stupid for not recognising it and seeking support sooner.
For the next few days after the incident he was being noticeably nice to me which made me really disconcerted and even came home one evening with a bag of food claiming he was cooking tonight. He hasn’t done that in the last 20 odd years and I just felt apprehensive about this behaviour. I guess alarm bells should ring when someone is being nice but you feel uncomfortable. Anyway, he couldn’t keep this up as by the 5th day he sat down with me and said that I couldn’t go on moping about and should get over it! Then he did his usual lines about he is the best etc and that we had to carry on. As usual he has dismissed any of my feelings.
He has no idea that I have been getting info online and am seeking counselling support and probably legal advice too. I now feel somewhat deceptive in the house as he is carrying on as if everything is fine but I am secretly doing all this stuff to get help.
My son has gone back to Uni so he is safe and he has seen a counsellor already for help. My daughter, who my husband thinks is a princess, has also spoken to me in length and she is wiser than I give her credit for.mahe I said that I really didn’t want to split the family up but she said ‘ mum, some families are happier apart’
The idea of a full split really scare me as I know he would be a total t*****. Also,our finances are heavily wrapped up in the house etc. Financially I am the major earner, in fact I pay for pretty much everything including paying off his debts. He manages to find his half of the mortgage and pays for 2 minor bills. That’s all. My son already sees this as sponging off me.
Any support for this forum gratefully received.sorry post is so long.

[Confused123]

Hey HUn

U got nothing to feel bad about or guilty for researching , u prob at stage where u can see his behaviour is wrong and not going to put up with , theres nothing wrong with that, infacr as we get older we actually think i am adult am not going to put up with this, your daughter is right families r better of apart if they just argue when together. Its hard thinking u got to start over again,but its not impossible, u sound strong and i reckon u could cope financially if u paying for most things, again it would be his loss more. Speak to womens aid, get advise then make decison, knowing where u stand and having support makes it easier, ladies on here r brill for support,im glad more ladies r realizing we dont have to put up with this . Again they will never admitt they r in wrong and will tell us to get over it, they actually really do just laugh it off, acting like mr nice again is to make us think they r good for us, cause again they know they in wrong deep down, trust your gut and follow your instinct, u actually sending strong message to your children by walking away

[Appin7]

Hi confused 123, thanks for your reply and support. I have made first steps – 1) posting on this site and 2) have spoken to my boss (female) to put her in the picture. I have also warned her that he is likely to try discrediting me at work once he knows what is going on.

I feel there is a lot of stuff I should have recorded over the years so I am buying a voice recorder. I can use this to document historic incidents and examples as it will be quicker than writing/typing initially as I can speak into while driving to work etc which is about the only time I get to myself. Ultimately I can use it to write up stuff when have more time. I am also getting a tiny recorder that can record conversations as they happen so I can ‘catch’ his actual words on the occasions he suddenly starts on a rant. Next I am trying to get chance to call the helpline but it is hard to schedule it in when I cannot be overheard.
My boss has said that if i need to go to any counselling sessions she will give me the time off so that is helpful but I need to arrange this. Hoping the helpline will be able to assist.
As my husband has effectively cut off our son I have to make sure he is ok for money so trying to find a way to have a small amount of funding ready in case. Although I pay for pretty much everything in the home, it is my husband who somehow acquires money for our son when he needs it.
My mum may be able to help but I didn’t want to tell my family yet, especially as my youngest sister is due her first baby next week and I don’t want to put a downer on that.
It’s hard considering a split because although I have a good job and pay for everything here, there is no way I could cover his half of the mortgage too let alone buy him out. He couldn’t afford this either and that means letting go of a beautiful home forever. At my age I couldn’t get another mortgage and there is virtually no equity in the house in the current climate. It means giving up the house which I had hoped my kids would inherit one day, it’s losing their legacy.
There are so many issues to consider… Another being that our daughter has a medical condition that is easier to cope with when there are 2 of us. Husband also has a medical condition that I have to help him with but is nowhere near as impactful as daughters.
This is why the whole situation is really difficult, too much stuff, over too much time, interwoven and hard to untangle.
However I am determined to get some support and advice and have best and worst case scenarios outlined for the future.
X appin

[Confused123]

Hey hun

Yeah carry on getting advise and building your support network this is what makes us strong, tell your mum, it doesnt matter your sis is due to have a baby,mums have a way of supporting all of us, theres never a good time to discuss these things, as to your house, its such a difficult one, can understand u not wanting to lose house i was same, in end i walk out with nothing, is depressing and glooming but im abuse free , think each individual has to weigh out there own options, i just take each day as it comes, i an only say keep talking , by talking u will find a path to follow, by not talking u become more trap, good your workplace is supporting u and yeah carry on recording when u can, just be careful doesnt come into his hands and log abuse with your gp

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