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Hi all
Couple of weeks ago I posted to say I’ve finally left him . I felt good for a week or so and started to feel positive about the future.
However he is not letting me go easily. It’s clear now he will never be violent with me but has ramped up the emotional manipulation, to such an extent , it’s not got to me so much and now that I am aware of it I retaliate – I hate him now
We both put a lot of money , and I , without any help at all from him, put a lot of back breaking work into the house …
I made an offer to buy him out but he wanted more and I cannot afford it ..so told him we need to sell… So I’ve had estate agents round
… Whilst he refused to get out of bed!!!We need to get rid of a lot of clutter to get the house on market and sell quickly …but he says he won’t work to my deadlines it will be done when it’s done… It frustrates me so much because he never ever gets round to this sort of stuff and I believe he’s doing this now to drag it out .. legally I don’t think I can just start Chucking his stuff
The other issue is we have a dog..he uses him as a way of arguing with me now, demanding over and over again the same thing – that he should have access but I need to take him with me for now due to the mess his life is in etc etc..
…now logically I know the demands he is making are unrealistic but, as I’m sure must be an abusers tactic , it doesn’t matter what I say, he twists it to make me out to be unreasonable and we just make no progress with our living arrangements
He is playing the victim, and spending allll day and night in bed, I’ve now come to realise this is a way of stalling. Me. Once again I feel paralysed …
I have threatened to get solcitors involved and that the WHOLE truth will have to come out as to why I am leaving … That was first time I’ve had to use this threat , I know some may see this as low but I’m getting desperate. He then did become a little more cooperating with talking about the next steps but really it feels as though we could go round in circles for a long long time
I want to avoid solicitors wherever possible as they cost a fortune plus they may not even help in speeding up this process.. if anything he could just put on his amazing acting skills , fool.everyone , and get to stay in the house as long as he needs for his poor mental.healtb etc
This is just such a mess.
. I was so looking forward forward to getting away from him and a much better future. -
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If he was cooperative we would have both ended up with a very nice substantial profit from the house , and I could have used that to buy my next home… Instead my credit rating will be destroyed the longer I’m tied to him, the house could be taken by money lenders and we will.live in absolute misery together … This is so so horrible
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Hi Lozzy, I hear your anger and frustration. It’s what comes about trying to be civil and trying to be amicable, about being the grown-up. You really have to get someone on board before this gets even worse finance wise. He’s got you going round and round in circles and there’s no way off the roundabout. Reach out to WA, rights for women. They should be able to advise you on the intricacies of a partner getting the other into debt, there must be some way of protecting your assets before you have none left.. try to extract yourself from trying to make the house ready to sell, houses sell despite clutter. Concentrate on what you can fix, anything outwith your control, let it go.
Best of luck Lozzy,💞 digging his heels in is all he’s got, if he thinks behaving this way is going to make you forgive and forget he’s so deluded.
IWMB 💕💕 -
Oh L, what a d**k, yes I agree, youre trying to work to a solution and he’s just trying to cause problems – two different objectives. I dont know what to say about the house, you need legal advice hey – more info so you know what can and can’t be done, it all sounds so unfair.
I don’t see the solictor as a threat – I see it as the next step when a solution can not be reached. Can totally undertsand your reluctance here, costly and it is a drawn out process, but sadly, it’s necessary and the only option sometimes.
Wondering if it would help you to find some kind of mental adjustment here? (Once you’ve done all you can on a practical level I mean), wonder if you can some how get to accepting it will be long and drawn out but that it will come to an end at some point? Would this inturn help your mental state and well-being? Maybe think about how you would like things to be after? And chip away at the day to day stuff while all the time working towards the goal of the house sale completion?
I sold my house over two yrs back now, it took a year to sell, I’m in temp accomodation but should be moving into a new place where I can truly start again in the summer. I’m not gonna lie and say it’s been easy, in many ways it does feel like I’m on hold, but guess I just have to do what I can, I focus on taking care of me and my child really, inbetween anything I can do for the new home. This time has really enabled me to work on myself and really think about how I want life to be when we move. I feel quite excited sometimes, because I think I will finally get the life I really want as a result.
BUT, if we focus on what you can do now, today! With regard to your dog, I’d be inclined to say NO, sorry but NO, he’s my dog now, I am taking care of him, as ‘like you say, you are unable’. Tell him the discussion is no longer open. If he brings it up ignore or just say NO. Go on! Dare you! Lol x
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Yes good idea to focus on what it is I can do now, today.
I have now got some off the record advice from a family friend who used to work in family law and she is putting me in touch with a solicitor who doesn’t charge as much as some of the more commercial ones.
The government website also provides some good advice on what happens next if we don’t reach agreement
So i feel a bit more assured now that this is a process that will come to an end eventually. I also think he will agree as soon as we get to mediation because he wont want all his behaviours coming out in court as it could end his career as goes against code of conduct required in personal life
After getting this informal legal advice and house hunting this morning, I must admit I started to ruminate and feel a little sad again … Thinking of when we first met and having no idea it would end like this
But I’ll get through it and like you say, I need to take this time to work on myself -
You need to legally separate the finances asap. Keep everything you can for evidence. Bank statements, receipts, bills etc to prove he’s the one running up debt. He’s not selling. No matter what he says. It’s all about keeping control. A solicitor may be more expensive in the short term but the alternative is years of him messing you about. Ensure your solicitor is aware of the domestic abuse.
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I totally empathise with you.
I have been trying to get away from my husband for years but still I’m trapped.
All what you say rings true with me – playing the victim, he’s racked up debts so I can’t afford to go anywhere until we sell the house. He kept going on at me to sell the house, why haven’t you sorted the house yet (like it’s my my job to do that!) so I got the estate agent round – then he refused to sign the paperwork. He has us totally trapped. I have to take him to court to get him to sell -& how much will that cost? Thousands no doubt which will end up being taken out of my share of the house. We don’t have a dog but we have kids and he uses them against me – plays Dad of the Year to them while behaving like a total jerk towards me.
Why can’t anyone help people like us???? It’s so unfair.
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