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    • #124799
      Catjam
      Participant

      Apparently they are having to keep an eye on him because he is suicidal. He has spoken to a psychiatrist (detail removed by moderator) he needs help. (detail removed by moderator)
      I was told it wasn’t my problem as I had left, I said (detail removed by moderator)
      But I walked away sobbing, maybe I should go back. My girls are suffering and I never wanted that.
      I am conflicted though because I know he is not telling the whole truth to someone. (detail removed by moderator) he told me the doctor (detail removed by moderator) was also checking on his mental state. He was prescribed antidepressants which he took but only because I gave him them. He is refusing to take them now (detail removed by moderator).
      So either he lied to me about the level of care he was getting or he is lieing now (detail removed by moderator).
      I can’t bear my girls are having to deal with this and that I get angry that he thinks it’s ok to put them through it. I worry my relationship with them will be permanently damaged and then I get angry that I am not checked up on. That it’s forgotten what I am going through and that I am still really struggling.

    • #124800
      KIP.
      Participant

      Please dont go back. Let the professionals deal with him. That’s their job. You’re not a mental health nurse. He’s doing this deliberately to control you. Using his children in this way just shows how little he truly cares about them and I think they will see him for what he is in time. Your children have to find out for themselves and make choices for themselves. I’ve seen this fairly often on this site and I’ve never heard of it coming to suicide. Abusers are liars. If you have mental health issues it’s not responsible for domestic abuse. The abuse is a choice and he’s still abusing you. Stand your ground. Empower your children. My son was angry that he had to deal with his dad because I washed my hands of him, it’s how they learn. Just be there for the kids when they need you or come to you. I’m assuming they’re adults.

    • #124801
      KIP.
      Participant

      Cut all contact with him too. Contact is toxic and drags us backwards.

    • #124803
      Hawthorn
      Participant

      Oh Catjam, I’m so sorry things are so tough for you. You’re right, where is the care for you and how you’re struggling? He is ensuring all the attention remains on him, and that everyone feels responsible for how he’s feeling.

      He is linked with medical services. Your daughter is right to speak to them about the level of support they are receiving. He either has capacity to make decisions for himself; in which case it is his choice not to take his medications. Or he doesn’t have capacity due to his mental health issues, in which case he needs to be sectioned and admitted to an in-patient facility. His GP or psychiatrist will have made a decision about his capacity and the fact that he remains at home suggests he retains capacity. So it is his choice. His responsibility, and the responsibility of his medical team. Not your daughters responsibility, and not certainly not yours.

      Try to keep the focus on yourself as much as possible. That is not selfish, it is simply an acknowledgement that you can’t control his actions. You never could. He is an adult and is responsible for himself. You are an adult and responsible for yourself. As are your adult children. You are not responsible for the impact of HIS actions, though of course you are worried about your daughters. That’s because you care about how other people’s feelings. He only cares about his own.

      Please keep reaching out for support for yourself, you need and deserve it. Keep posting here and consider phoning your own GP to discuss the situation and its impact on you. Supportline are great resource if you’re struggling too. Stay strong, this situation is not your fault or your responsibility. Sending a big hug x*x

    • #124809
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Hi Catjam,

      Please don’t go back.

      I’m going to approach this from a purley annecdotal and statistical perspective.

      I honestly don’t think he’s genuinely suicidal. Sadly, throughout my life, I have come across (detail removed by moderator) successful suicide attempts; all men. Never a successful suicide attempt from a woman. (If that sounds like a high number, it is because of the profession I’m in. I promise that I’m not driving them to it.)

      When men are suicidal, they tend not to tell anyone. They don’t reach out for help in the way that women do, they just get on with it and they are usually successful at their first attempt.

      If your ex was genuinely suicidal, you would be posting a much more upsetting post today. I am confident that this is an attempt to get the attention and sympathy of you and your daughters. If he succeeds in his aim, there will be more suicide threats to follow. If he learns now that it doesn’t get anyone’s attention, he won’t try it again. The fact that he is still in his own home suggests to me that the professionals agree that he is not suicidal.

      In the unlikely event that he does succeed in taking his own life, it won’t be because he’s depressed, it’ll be a final act of embittered control, to try and make you feel guilty. Please don’t let him succeed in this. As the other ladies have said, he is not your responsibility or your daughters responsibility.

      If, in the unlikely event he is genuinely reaching out for help, I can also tell you from very personal experience that when you get to that point, or you can feel yourself spiralling down, you reach out to the people who you know will support you, you don’t take the risk of reaching out to the person who has just left you. If he was genuinely suicidal, I don’t think he would want you to know.

      Please resist the urge to go back. He has people looking after him; let them do their jobs. You need to focus on you now. You have a journey of your own to take now and you need to give that your full attention. You don’t have the space in your life to be worrying about him any more. You need that space for you. xx

    • #124811
      gettingtired
      Participant

      Hey Catjam,

      It seems to be a recurring theme on this forum that the abusers usually end up with everyone rallying around them whilst the victim is left trying to pick up the pieces.
      I agree with all above comments.
      My partner has a history of threatening suicide so it’s something that has and does bother me about leaving. However, I spoke to Supportline recently who told me that as an adult, he is responsible for his own behaviour and his own life. Obviously nobody would want anyone to take their own life but if he did, that is his choice. There are alternatives but it would be his choice, his decision, his responsibility and not mine (and not yours either). What he/your ex is doing is emotional blackmail. They’re right but I suppose we have suffered years of being programmed to always put their needs first and it will take time to reverse that default thinking.
      Could you speak to your daughters and request that they no longer discuss this with you as it’s having a huge detrimental impact on your mental health?
      I agree that there could be some resentment towards you because they may feel that they’ve been left to deal with him. Again, they’ll have to learn he’s not their responsibility either.
      Please don’t go back, you have come so far and it will only further traumatise you. xxxx

    • #124825
      Empoweredhealing
      Participant

      Using threat of suicide is such a cruel form of manipulation. But it must be effective because so many abusers uses it (including mine). The thing to remember is that whether their threat of suicide is serious or not, you CANNOT save them. The idea that you and you alone can take care of them and save them from themselves is a destructive fictional narrative. This is simply another lie that keeps survivors trapped. Try to remind yourself that you deserve your own compassion and care first!

    • #124827
      Catjam
      Participant

      Thank you all so much. I did wonder if the girls had decided to tell me as they couldn’t cope with him. (detail removed by moderator). Neither have been willing to move in or go see him every day. Makes me wonder if he managed to manipulate the expert he spoke to.
      My instinct was to go straight to the house to see him but luckily I didn’t. I wasn’t expecting the girls reaction to him, yes they are all grown up. I feel like I am the bad guy. That nothing I experienced or protected them from counts anymore. Probably a selfish thought from me but they aren’t checking up on me. They are like your choice to leave so now you can’t offer to help or get upset.

    • #124831
      KIP.
      Participant

      Our children learn behaviour from an abuser. My son especially became entitled like his father. I was expecting support from him but it never happened. You need to take a step back and concentrate on you now. They’re adults and have to make their own choices. I just leave the door of communication open if he decided to get in touch.

    • #124840
      ISOPeace
      Participant

      Catjam this sounds so difficult. He is bringing out his biggest guns to try to suck you back in. It sounds like you can see what’s happening, especially when you said he might have manipulated the expert. That is totally possible. Abusers are master manipulators. Don’t for a minute think that you got sucked in because there’s anything wrong with you, you got sucked in because he was so skilled at manipulating so it could easily happen to others.

      I wonder whether what he is doing is also to draw attention away from you as a way to try to weaken you into going back to him. Abusers seem to so often manage to create circumstances where the survivor suffers, even after they have left. But he can’t do this forever or he will be sectioned.

      He is not your responsibility or your daughters’. I know it must be really, really hard, but nobody should sacrifice their mental wellbeing for his. I honestly don’t know how these things normally work, but if he was a genuine suicide risk, shouldn’t he be in psychiatric care? You daughters can’t be expected to watch him 24/7. Why is it ok to leave him alone when they’re asleep? It doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. Either he’s lying or the mental health services are being negligent. Maybe you could explain to your daughters what’s going on and that what he’s doing is a very common thing for an abuser to do and that all the advice from experts is to not give in to his demands. If you give in it will never end. I know that’s not an easy option but if your daughters are adults hopefully they’ll be able to understand on some level. Sending love xxxx

    • #124842
      Catjam
      Participant

      I did wonder about the help. He is still working and no one is with him on a night I think. I have decided as hard as it is to take a step back.
      Will he escalate though if I don’t react how he wants me to? If I don’t get in touch or try to help, will he turn up at work or try and find me? He currently doesn’t know where I am.
      He hasn’t assaulted me in years but do I need to be on guard?

    • #124846
      Eggshells
      Participant

      Yes,there is a distinct possibility that he will escalate but quite possibly in ways you might not predict. This is not a good reason for you to panda to him.

      Please forwarn your work place so they know not to enable access to you and be vigilant as he will try to find out where you are. Please ensure that your daughters understand that his unpredictable behaviour means that your risk is escalated now. Even abusers who have never been violent can be very dangerous at this point.

      Please take professional advice now on how to keep yourself safe. You must put all of your focus on keeping yourself safe now. You can’t afford to distract yourself from that by worrying about whether he is OK.

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