He justifies his behavior because I am 'just as bad'?

[lana]

i think I am still in denial that I am with an abusive man. I thought he was my best friend and I feel like such a fool that it turned out to be this way. Looking back, the warning signs were clearly there but I ignored them.

I’ve just traveled overseas to be with him and the past few months have been a nightmare. No friends or family here…essentially trapped and can’t leave for another week or so. I couldn’t explain all as it would be a novel of information but the highlights are this:

He got drunk one night and from the next room started talking under his breath derogatory comments. I called my mom because I knew he was in a nasty zone, that set him off and he started to harass me by ripping the blankets off me as I lay in bed, sitting in the corner of the room staring at me, puffing his chest at me…which then escalated to him pushing me onto the bed as I tried to leave the room. I knocked my head against the wall and hurt my knee. He dragged me around the room a few times as I tried to exit the house from fear. Then he held me down on the bed and held my wrists and screamed into my ear that I was a w***e and a s**t. I was crying and begging for help so bad that strangers outside the bedroom window started to bang on the window. he finally let go and I ran out. He followed and proceeded to shout to the strangers that I was a w***e and a liar. I spent the night at a complete strangers that night out of fear. He harassed me all night with nasty texts accusing me of f*****g strangers off the street and how disgusting my ‘act’ was that night. he called over 30 times. In the morning he ripped all my belongings into a heap by the door and ordered me to pack and leave. He was still drunk from night before. As I packed he suddenly switched and begged me to stay. I went to a hotel till he sobered up, spoke to a police officer and decided to not press charges. That was a mistake.

I went back to him. Mainly because I was alone in a foreign country with no friends or family which made it all worse. He consistently shouts and yells if I say something he doesn’t like. He consistently uses mocking, eye rolling, sarcasm anytime we have an argument. He is very vengeful and if I fight back to him when he is being (detail removed by Moderator), he will ensure he puts me in my place even if it means extending a small disagreement for days. He tells me it is my fault that he shouts and yells.

I snapped one night on him. He liked it. I know he wanted me to snap so he could justify his abusive behaviour the night the police were called. I just couldn’t take it anymore. Its like he was taunting me. I acted childish and I just lost it and hit him with (detail removed by Moderator). he stood there and pushed his face to me and said: hit me. I hit him and he said: hit me again. Now he acts even worse and just says ‘you are just as bad’..so he will eternally plan to treat me like garbage.

Now he uses that experience against me and tells me that I have an anger issue and I am just as bad as him. He waters down his actions and says ‘oh i pushed you’ or ‘i was p****d off i guess’ but he won’t admit how awful it was. He just says ‘you are no better, look what you did’.

I could go on forever. I also need to note that prior to these few months together. he used to put his hands on me a lot in fights. I would shout at him to get his hands off me but he would not listen. He would also lock me in rooms and refuse to let me leave.

He blames me for how he acts. The night he tossed me on the bed and pushed me around…he said it was my fault because I was trying to leave the house and i was out of control and it was not safe outside. Even though the whole reason I was leaving was because I was afraid of him.

I tell him how badly he frightens me but he just says he is not how I describe him and thats just ‘my version of events’.

I feel hopeless because he won’t acknowledge his abuse or awful ways. He tells me I have an anger issue and I am just as bad. If he cant admit it and is not held accountable, what can be done?

Also because I snapped twice during our relationship and pulled his hair and hit him once…he says that all his behavior is no big deal, im just as bad and I should get over it. So every time he is abusive…he just says: oh but you did ‘x’ that one time’ so you are just as bad. He justifies everything thru this reasoning so he never is held accountable or admits to his awful behavior.

To be clear, I am leaving him. I have already told him.

[Anewbreath]

Hi Iana
I am truly sorry to hear you are going through this awful period. You are right your boyfriend is abusive. Calling you ugly things are signs of verbal abuse, dragging you around is physical abuse.. Unfortunately the abuse only gets worse the more it occurs. When my abuser spat on me I spat back on him. They do awful things to us and get us to act in ways we would never act if we were in ordinary relationships. You are not just as bad as him. I am glad to hear you are planning to leave him. It can be useful to call the helpline for support and ideas on how to leave safely. It might also be helpful to tell the police of your plans, see if they can offer any extra support. Leaving abusers is challenging. They become more dangerous when we leave, please give yourself as much support as you can during this difficult time.

[lana]

Thank you Anewbreath. That is the part I struggle with right now. He told me last night that I have anger issues just like him and I am just as bad. It was so saddening how in denial he is. he wont even admit how awful he is. He says its bad when he wants to get me back but then when i give him another chance, he changes his previous words and says..oh whatever i only pushed you. I try to explain that I only fighht back because I cant take it anymore and you are bullying me…but he wants to justify everything he does. I have messages from his previous girlfriend explaining he throttled her and broke things and chased her down the street. he denies it. I believed him but now I see he is doing the same to me.

Is this something I can call the police on? I fear he might do something before I leave and I also fear he will hurt more woman because he is in complete denial he has a problem.

[Fuzzyfelt]

I have no experience of the terrible physical abuse against you but understand the emotional side. I hope you find the power to go ASAP, call police, whatever you need to do.
Just go and everyone here will help you heal the wounds and get you through. Xxxx

[Anewbreath]

Hi Iana,
Your fears are justified. Abusers become more dangerous when their partners are about to leave. Your instincts are right. Please take as many precautions as you can to stay safe when you go. I understand truly how you feel about your partner, wanting him to get better and worried he will abuse other women. But right now you are the one in immediate danger. And everyone here really wants you to be safe and in a safe space. When you are in a safe space then you can worry about him. Unfortunately there is not much I know that can be done for abusers. I wish when i went (detail removed by Moderator)could have ordered some sort of psychological evaluation for mine… But importantly I got out. My life was saved. Stay safe. Call the hotline. Tell them your worries.

[KIP.]

Ring 101 and ask to speak to the domestic abuse police. Throttling is one step away from death. Show then the texts from his ex. They will make all the difference but stay safe. He throttled her. These men repeat their behaviour x

[Stupidgirl40]

Hi I haven’t been on here for a long while as the relationship ended almost (detail removed by moderator) years ago after (detail removed by moderator) years but I just wanted to say your man sounds exactly like my ex! Very abusive and when you get out you realise how bad it was. Best thing I ever did getting put but I kick myself all the time about not doing it sooner! Please don’t waste any more time on him hoping he will change or listening to what he thinks because he is wrong xx

[Stupidgirl40]

(detail removed by moderator) years!

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