He looks really happy

[phantasmagorical]

Today I inadvertently stumbled upon the FB profile of my ex’s current girlfriend.

I am sure I had blocks in place to prevent this kind of thing from reaching my awareness, but the girl who used to be friends with my ex, and who I thought was still no longer his friend (due to his behaviour), has befriended the current girlfriend on FB. So presumably they’re all speaking again.

Time passes, and people forget – well, some people forget.

It’s the first in a long time I’ve seen a picture of him. He looks very loved up, he is smiling broadly in every photo with the girlfriend. She is quite young. They entered into a relationship weeks after he left me.

Makes me wonder, was it really me, was I really that toxic?

Why does he look so happy with her? He didn’t look that way in photos with me.
Above all, I wonder if he treats her the way he treated me. If he will treat her so horribly, and then just ignore her forever.

He has had no accountability for what he has done.

He just left and got others to clean up his mess, quickly found another girlfriend, and now seems to be…thriving?

When I saw the pictures of him, I felt a wave of revulsion and fear.

I have come across these whilst at work. I currently feel quite vulnerable.

I also feel miniscule, like I am a trash horrible person, and I can’t compare, and no wonder he did what he did.

Granted, I do not feel as bad as I would have done a year ago. But it leaves something in my mind.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t feel like it’s your fault. My ex seems really happy and everything about his new relationship seems wonderful. Just remember, its not what other people are shown, it’s what is really happening behind closed doors.

I spend time praying that the new wife behaves better than I did, but I know deep down, no matter what I did, he wouldn’t have hurt me if he didn’t want to.

[phantasmagorical]

Thank you. It’s just sometimes I get these horrible sickening feelings that I was responsible for how it all turned out.
Rationally, I know it is hard to reality-check a social media post.
It’s like I internalised his guilt, I’m not sure. What you said is important though – it was a choice on his part. And I think he continues to make that choice by never having accountability, and essentially just erasing me from his life like nothing happened.
It’s also hurtful when those close to him prop up his choices by covering for him, making excuses for his behaviour, collaborating in his lies. It fuels the whole “am I really crazy” thought pattern.

[KOTB]

Don’t forget abusers are quite skilful at putting on a good show for the outside world. My ex was obsessed about posting pictures and status updates on FB. I didn’t realise at the time but it was so he could say “ Well we looked happy at this event.” It was all part of the gas lighting.

[phantasmagorical]

That’s true, I’ve seen this happening with the “different faces for different people”. He could turn on the charm for others, but when we were alone I’d sometimes get the contemptible silent treatment for example. No one close to him seemed to know he was like this, and wouldn’t have believed me (probably they still don’t). I think in order to fully manipulate us, they need to also manipulate their outside circle – that your ex used social media to construct an image of happiness seems to demonstrate this.

[Iwantmeback]

Please don’t feel too bad. Being with my oh just after he’d ‘left’ his wife(she put him out), there would have been no signs either in pictures or if she’d met us on the street. It wasnt until he moved in with me and my children that he started to be more domineering. Yet I look at photos of me around then and I still look happy as does he, so please, it’s too early for there to be any ‘signs’.
IWMB 💕🙂

[phantasmagorical]

Thanks for your reply. I wouldn’t necessarily feel any better if there was any telltale signs – I don’t want her to be hurt. She is clearly quite enamoured with him, and it reminds me of how I was in the beginning. It’s just those images were quite emotionally overwhelming and it was difficult to process what it could all mean, if anything. I spoke about this to someone earlier in the week, and they told me without a shred of uncertainty that “people don’t change”.

[diymum@1]

FB always portrays everyone as having the perfect life -relationship. Its not real life its a rose tinted perspective. my ex met someone else and she was the best ever so intelligent so beautiful etc one month into the relationship (detail removed by moderator), she was terrified of him. i heard she had turned up at his mums pleading with her to take him back to stay with her again. She realised she had made a big mistake for me (this might be selfish) but it was my get out clause and life line to a new abuse free life.(Detail removed by moderator) xx they dont last at being nice its all a fascade xx

[phantasmagorical]

Thank you, I agree. FB and social media in general is so damaging. That’s why in general I’ve been staying away from it, or at the very least not participating in the constant upkeep and updates just for likes/validation. I had a big old cry on Monday night after containing it all day at work, felt utterly exhausted the following day, and now it’s just settling in my mind in a more rational way, I suppose.

[diymum@1]

your working through this in a really positive way. Crying is healing for the soul so I have been told xx your doing great given what hes put you through xx stay strong and always protect yourself xx luv diy

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