He pretends like nothing happened.

[BlueberryField]

Yesterday out of nowhere it escalated into a massive rage episode. I won’t get into detaile, because they would be deleted anyway, but he got so angry at me for something that HE forgot. It started with name calling and downgrading me. (detail removed by moderator) and just continued with threats. I sat the whole time hugging my baby and praying he wouldn’t hurt either of us. He ended up calming down and then just went to sleep and I was still left terrified of him. This morning he woke up as if nothing had happened! One time he still mentioned it that it was my fault. But I didn’t do anything wrong at all? He keeps trying to talk to me or make jokes all day but I just feel numb and just answer to him very short. I don’t want to talk to him at all or see him. And to my luck he’s going to be staying home for a few days..

I keep trying to keep myself busy so I don’t have to be around him in the same room.

I hate feeling this way, I hate walking on eggshells at home where I should feel safe, but I don’t. I hate this life and I hate him.

[BlueberryField]

Just to add to the post, those threats terrify me, because he has been physically abusive before. Where I have been pushed, punched, kicked, slapped, burned, choked, you name it.

[minimeerkat]

bless your heart. you know the truth of what happened. dont know if you can have it written down anywhere just to keep reminding yourself of the reality of what is happening. i wonder if the abuser deliberately acts as if nothing happened afterwards to then make you seriously doubt yourself – ‘is it me, did it really happen, am i going crazy?’
i read your reply to my response in another one of your posts & was so sorry to hear there wasnt anywhere for you to go if you really have decided youve had enough. all you can do in the meantime is keep yourself & your baby as safe as you possibly can. always quietly but confidently having that thought in your head that there will be a time when you are free from such abuse.
hopefully you will keep in touch with these places just in case something turns up. i didnt need refuge but could just call whenever i needed to talk & they were absolutely brilliant.
it might really help to contact them to discuss what has happened recently so that people are aware of just how much danger you are actually in. i dont know the details of property ownership etc, but the first thing i thought was an occupation order or non-molestation order to keep you both safe.
do you feel confident to contact someone to discuss these possibilities with x

[BlueberryField]

I have started reading a pdf book about why these men abuse women. It helps to understand better, that the red flags were there before our relationship started. And some situations that I thought were nothing after reading it I understand now that it was actually abuse.
Long time ago I always had that thought “am I overthinking this situation” and always ended up thinking that maybe it was some part my fault because I made him this angry. But thinking back to everything that happened yesterday or before, now I know that it’s just his fault. And I have no second thoughts about these situations anymore doubting myself that I’m going mad or overexaggerating.I know I did nothing wrong and I ended up telling him this today. And of course he just laughed it off still telling it was my fault.

I think the most common things too that caused the abuse certain situations where he thought he heard me saying something (I know 100000% I never said it) but up to this day he is trying to convince me otherwise. It is so frustrating and annoying too.
I’m trying my best to be all nice just so he stays away from abusing me.

I just sometimes feel such a bad mother for keeping my child in this environment.

[nbumblebee]

I write it down what he says and does i write it and send it to my counsellor then delete it.
If you have someone you trust do this or use one of us my p*s are always open. But as soon as it happens write it down send it delete it. That way you have a safe record and whwn you need to you can re read it safely.
It helps it really does im always doubting every second every day they make us this way. Sasly we have to stay one step ahead if we wanna get through this.
As for your kids I regret every day not leaving my kids are grown up pretty much and i will never forgive myself.

[BlueberryField]

I have a secret email that he doesn’t know about and I was logging things there in a draft.
But I think maybe messaging someone here would be better as at least it would have proper dates and it wouldn’t be like as if I made everything up in one day. In that email I am trying to attach all screenshots from nasty messages. I just regret not taking a picture of the last time he abused me physically as I had scratches on my face.

[Copevarde]

Yes I completely agree about keeping a record aa abuse makes me very forgetful and helps keep me sane when I remember something I try to write it down

The self doubt and the relentless unexpected nature is very hard because they create an unsafe environment purposely so we never feel safe and we are in fight or flight mode

A huge part of why I left wasni was never ever relax

He would go out drinking and doing drugs but if wanted a nap he would storm in and shout really loudly and urgently to startle me..it was terrfying my heart wouldn’t stop beating

As hard as it is please have conviction in Yourself.you have him worked out and you know you are right.

If you are feeling like you don’t want to raise your baby in this house have you made plans to leave?

I left in (detail removed by moderator) so here if you ever want to talk. X

[HaPea]

Copevarde sorry to jump in, but how did you manage to leave? I want to make some kind of a plan but I’m really unsure of the logistics. Might be because I don’t want to leave anything behind. I’m struggling to get the courage up.

[HaPea]

Your post is so relatable. Sorry you’re going through this. I don’t really have any advice. I’m muddling my way through each day as it is.

[BlueberryField]

Sending you a hug. I just hope and wish for all of the women here who hadn’t left yet that one day (hopefully soon) we will all leave without coming back.

[StrongLife]

Part of that with your wording “like nothing had happened” is what happened to myself with the ex totally ignoring the situation altogether the next day.

[BlueberryField]

This is what always happens after any argument or his rage outbursts. The next day he would just be so happy as if we never had any problem. It is so annoying and frustrating. It is either ignoring the whole situation or if I try to talk to him, he would just blame it all on me even if there would be 0% of my fault and continue being happy like nothing happened.

[Happybelle]

Had a terribly scary argument with my partner (detail removed by Moderator). He was the worst he has ever been. I went to bed and today I feel kind of traumatised / numb. He woke up (detail removed by Moderator) Like he normally would when we were first together and Id gone for a drink downstairs or something. How do they process seeing the people / person they care most about suffering and just move on like its nothing. Feel for you.

[BlueberryField]

I personally do not think they look at us as a person they ‘love’. They look at us as someone to control like a puppet and for us to obey them like little children.

Any time my partner talks about “OUR” future he only mentions himself and if he mentions me it’s usually as if I’m a house maid, that’s all. That’s all I am needed for, for him. He knows perfectly well that if any other woman would see his true colors none of them would stay with him. For this reason he doesn’t leave me and doesn’t let me to leave him. I mean it’s a good life he has a free maid at home that always does everything for him from cleaning, cooking, paying for majority of things and always following his ‘give me this’ ‘pass me that’ while he lays on the couch all day and only lifts his a*s to go to the bathroom. He is convinced I will never leave him. And it is my fault because I always kept saying if he doesn’t change I will leave, yet he never change and I’m still here so to him is just all talk.

He always kept saying to me to stop threatening him that I will leave, last time I just said he either changes his attitude towards me and shows me some respect that I deserve or he will come back home one day and I will be gone with our child. This is not a threat just a warning so he doesn’t repeat the same crying and begging like last time when I left.

Now I don’t say anything, but I am slowly gathering all information that I need and making a safety plan, saving up money on top of that too.

[Happybelle]

I hear you there. I’ve now also stopped talking about change etc. There has been plenty of time for change to take place and as it has not happened so now I am quietly planning my own life elsewhere 🙂 no need to tell them about it.

[BlueberryField]

Exactly!

Honestly, every single day I imagine living by myself and the feeling of that thought is so good! I always imagine what would I do as I wake up each morning, what would I be doing on a normal day with my child, etc.
I mean any time he leaves house, I feel safe and at home, but I don’t have this feeling when he’s home. I’m always on edge and I can’t even sit and relax for 10mins because either he always needs something from me or he pretends as if all I do is sit on my a*s all day and do nothing! When in reality even when our child is napping, I could go for a nap myself or relax, but no I choose to use that time to clean or cook.

One thing that annoys me is that I never know when he’s going somewhere or when he’ll come back home. I have found these solicitors that specify on Domestic Abuse and they provide free 30min phone appointments, but I am not able to call them because he either comes back home at random times or I could be in the middle of that appointment and he would come back before I get the answers I need. Even now I am looking at a window every 30seconds checking if he’s not back yet.

[Happybelle]

Thanks BlueberryField 🙂
I have found a great estate agent who I have explained things to and is discreet, recommended by a friend for being so. They are coming for a casual valuation in a couple of weeks to assess what homeimprovements I could make before selling. I visualise my new life every day and it is helping me.
I know I’m not fixing the actual problem now but really if leaving keeps me sane and safe then that’s what I’m doing. The house is mine solely and at the end of the day on moving day there will be a whole line of people there to get him out.

[BlueberryField]

Don’t think you are not fixing the problem! You are!! Just taking these steps of contacting somebody is already a HUUUGE step. And it is in my opinion the hardest step to take in this whole process is to contact someone for help!

After the last couple days of what happened I am now waiting on an opportunity until he’s gone and I will be contacting my local council because enough is enough

[Happybelle]

Well done you too. It’s sad that it comes to the point of “enough is enough”. When their behaviour continues to escalate there is no more trying there just becomes safe survival and thriving. It’s the only option.

[BlueberryField]

It is sad, you shouldn’t have to ignore their nasty behaviour because they weren’t in the mood or just because you want to have your own opinion on things that doesn’t match theirs. Or pretend like everything is okay and they didn’t hurt you.

For me now it’s purely pretending to survive. And it’s exhausting, I can see that my health has worsen from all this stress. Never in my life I had migraines, but I started getting them quite often now.

It doesn’t help that he stays at home a lot now too

[Happybelle]

The physical symptoms – yes these start creeping in. I hadn’t noticed them but I have a knot in my back and I’ve noticed after an argument it’s annoying and needs stretching out.
Migraines are horrible things.

[Author]

Posts