He puts his hands around my throat

[NopeNope]

My partner puts his hands around my throat and shakes me when he is frustrated, sometimes he will also climb on top of me so I can’t move. It’s been happening for a while but I’m so used to it that it hasn’t really registered as something I should have paid attention to.

Feel silly for even questioning myself but he is never angry when he does it, just frustrated and he will sometimes laugh about it.

I’ve tried to convince myself that it’s not bad but then I always think about how I’ve never had the urge to put my hands around another person’s throat. Part of me thinks ‘well maybe he doesn’t realise that he shouldn’t do it’ but that’s just me making excuses for him isn’t it?

I’ve been doing some online reading and it mentions a man being angry and putting his hands around your throat is a warning sign, but my partner isn’t angry when he does it, just frustrated. Should I be concerned?

[Bananaboat]

Yes. My ex did this too – Until it didn’t work, then he escalated to actual hitting.  Like you say, you know not to put your hands around other people’s throats and so does he, he’s choosing to scare you so you what he wants. Think of it like the frog or lobster in boiling water, they don’t realise they’re being cooked until it’s too late.

[Lisa]

Hi NopeNope,

Thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. What you described is concerning- there is no justification for his behaviour.

Any form of strangulation, pressure on your neck is a serious physical assault do please do consider seeking medical attention if you haven’t already. Injuries are not always visible.

You are doing the right thing by questioning this- its not okay

Best Wishes

Lisa

[Sad and alone]

Have you asked him not to do this? Have you told him how it makes you feel?
I get what you mean, it’s like because he’s not angry it doesn’t make it bad, but as you also say it’s not a normal thing to do. What’s he getting frustrated about? Frustration could lead to anger, so I’d have a good think about what causes him to act this way in the first place. There’s nothing wrong with being frustrated but normally this would be communicated verbally and not by doing something that makes you uncomfortable.
I visited my local DA service to in effect register myself and part of this was discussing behaviour. I’ve had hands round my throat three times and they took this very seriously. They said consider how easy it is to squash an empty can of pop with your hands. It doesn’t take much effort to do some serious damage.

[NopeNope]

Bananaboat: yes I’m afraid that it will escalate further. Him climbing on top of me is new. Sometimes I wonder why I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt when he doesn’t deserve it.

Lisa: thank you, I’m doing a lot of questioning and it’s giving me the mental strength I need to work towards leaving.

Sad and alone: I’ve asked him so many times but he doesn’t listen. I’ve tried being angry at him, sitting him down and calmly explaining why I don’t like his behaviour. It seems like it goes in one ear and out the other but I’m beginning to realise that he knows what he’s doing. He is pushing my boundaries. I would never continue doing something to someone if they’d explicitly told me that they didn’t like it. He gets frustrated when I don’t agree with him; usually when his recollection of something or his opinion differs from mine and I won’t give in and agree. He will often tell me that I’ve done or said something that I know with certainty I haven’t done or said and that sets him off.

[Sad and alone]

Being expected to agree with them all the time is tiring. I have been through this in so many arguments. You’re entitled to your opinion but they see your opinion as wrong (unless it’s the same as theirs). Having the added issue of being physically restrained is even worse. Verbally you can say he’s entitled to his opinion and you yours. Sometimes I’ve said whatever you say is right just to try and de-escalate, knowing myself that it’s bs. I don’t know what to suggest if you’ve asked him not to and he still does it. Whether it’s done in anger or not is irrelevant- he shouldn’t be doing it in the first place and definitely not after you’ve picked him up on it.
There’s a book called why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft. You can read it for free online if you search it. May help to straighten things out in your mind.

[Author]

Posts