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I have posted a few times so far after realising that my partner is a domestic abuser. He has ruined everything and destroyed what we had but maybe what we had was all fake really. Anyway, his brother is getting married and (detail removed by moderator) was the hen do that I was invited to. I so wanted to be part of everything but I couldn’t go. How could I look his mum and everyone else in the eye knowing what he’s done. I can’t just brush it under the carpet. Since a terrible event a few weeks ago caused by him, he has turned on me and been absolutely poles apart from how he’d been for months since we started dating. He is now turning on the charm at the moment as he wants to see me and I haven’t seen him for a bit now and I’ve had peace to get on with my job and get my life back on track as I felt he was destroying me because I had ‘outed’ him over his behaviour. Despite all of this I still love him and want to be part of his life. I wanted to go last night but I stood my ground and it was hard. I keep reminding myself of the other better times but I know that they have gone now. It’s so very sad. I was close to his mum and then she made it out to be part my fault when he almost killed us in a car journey home! I have gone to the police but haven’t made a formal statement as I’m actually scare of him too and I don’t think I would be believed as it was all done in private and it would be part his word against mine. Some of the journey was also done down south and some up here. Not having a good day today because I miss him especially at the weekends. We used to do so much together but was it just all an act. I feel duped and made a fool of. He is a recovering alcoholic and I’ve supported him through his recovery and I just feel like an idiot and am hurting so much.
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hello there, PTH
Just a note to say hello on a Sunday Morning. My young person is still asleep so I can do this, have a bit of peace to read this and have a coffee.
Ah. Peace, I like your name.
It sounds so obvious to say, but this will be and is a journey for you.
Can you do anything today, just for yourself? Just because you feel like it?
A movie? Out to lunch? Walk in the park. Netflix? There is a Julia Roberst film I like called Eat. Pray. Love. Or how about ‘the boy who harnessed the wind’. Happy ending…I’m saying this because it may be helpful to shift your focus.
There is no doubt in my mind that you did the right thing calling your ex out on this.
What you described was a situation where you might have lost your life…
You have chosen to stay alive…and move forward…
Sxd what any family members think or anyone else for that matter…Your life is worth more than that, and your deserve better.
Keep positng
ftc
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Thank for replying to my post. I have found this forum invaluable in the past few weeks. Through reading and posting. I have just been for a swim and am about to take my (detail removed by moderator) dog (name removed by moderator) out for a long walk in the hills. My last memory put with my partner and (name removed by moderator) is when he screamed and shouted at me and (name removed by moderator) wouldn’t move because he was scared. (name removed by moderator) still looks for him in the car when we go for runs because he his loyal and it’s so sad but I can’t have that around my dog and I. He’s pushed me to my limit and it takes a lot to do that. I know I should block him but there is a part of me who still loves him and wants the contact but I’ve rarely been replying to any of his messages or calls recently. It’s difficult though when he turns on the ‘I love you so much’ ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you’. After the incident I kept contacting him trying to understand and he blanked me and messed me about for weeks agreeing to meet and then cancelling like it was my fault what happened. No more. I’ve distanced myself and started to eat and sleep again but I have low moments where I just feel floored by him. I have a really good job and he almost destroyed that for me too messing with my head. I’ve also started not to trust what he says and that’s a bad place to be in. Who knows what his mum said at the hen about why I wasn’t there. She knows everything that happened and has almost ‘normalised’ it. His brother said we all know (detail removed by moderator) has issues!!!! That’s not just an issue it’s a criminal offence and to be able to hold me in a car for 5 hours totally controlling me during that period is mad! I’ve been blaming myself the way they’ve squed it. Thinking how could he turn like that. The love of my life, the person I’d wanted to spend the rest of my life with…
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Oh and I live Eat. Pray. Love. I might watch it again tonight. I’ve been out to Thailand where I volunteered with the (detail removed by moderator) which is an amazing dog and cat sanctuary in (detail removed by moderator). I visited temples and meditated and felt at peace. He has tried to destroy me peace and turn it around on me.
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Hi PTH, blessings to you today. When I feel really down I cuddle up on the couch with my dogs, I let them heal me. You have done enormously well not having much contact with him. You’re so right not to trust him.💜 The second part of your post has shown in detail how manipulative he is. Ignoring your calls after doing something so horrendous,then turning on the charm, all typical abuser actions. A man who tries to kill you, does not love you. His actions are polar opposites of his words. As for his family, or people in general, it’s easier to victim blame than face the reality that someone they know or love is so wicked.
You will have days that the enormity of what he chose to do to you hits you like a freight train, but they won’t last as long or be as all consuming. Have you written down his behaviour, his words. When you’re feeling that you miss him, re-read over what he’s done. Someday you’ll not think of him so much, and then less and less. Once that day comes, he will have no control over you at all. 💞
His family have normalised his behaviour by saying he has issues, not that his behaviour is abusive. He is not your responsibility,but you have a responsibility to yourself, your future self and your happiness and peace of mind.
Your dog does not miss him, he’s not looking for him in the car, he’s just excited to be going out with you. (We as humans, try to humanise our pets behaviour) The reason your dog stood still when he was shouting and screaming at you was because he was weighing up the situation, waiting to see if he had to fight or flee. My dog, who died recently, warned my oh fir over a year to keep away from him, keep out of his personal space. My OH had kicked him, beat him with sticks, tried to throttle him and one day he bit him. He still wagged his tail and tried to be friends with him even after all he’d done to him, dogs give love unconditionally, even if they’re beaten to an inch of their lives, they will still try to be around that person.Take care my friend, you are doing really well.
IWMB 💕💕
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Thank you. I’ve been a bit better since last weekend and today I am missing him but I realise that’s because I’ve had peace for (detail removed by moderator) without him. I’m missing him because he’s texting telling me he loves me and wants to spend his life with me. The weekends are the worst for me as we did everything together. During the working week I am busy and have things on in the evenings that I have kept going to even though I’ve been so exhausted. He works in the same building as (detail removed by moderator) so it’s been stressful when he’s been in or has said he would pop by to see me. Fast forward to today and it’s been hard because I didn’t go to the hen night and I’ve seen the pictures and what a great night it was. I would have gone on (detail removed by moderator) and then stayed over with him afterwards and had great sex. We always had great sex. I am clinging onto what was, I know. It’s not who he is. It’s a trap but I still love him and am left wondering why, how could this happen.
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He used to make my dinner every night too and my coffee and lunch in the morning. Since I’ve bought my own house I don’t want him round here because he’s not been nice here and this is my sanctuary. He said he wants to do all of these things again but I won’t let him and I feel bad but I don’t want in my house to potentially abuse me but maybe I start it. I am highly string and get stressed easily.
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Sorry I’ve not been able to reply fir a while, we have to pick our moments. Well done in not replying to him, it is so very very hard not to, especially when they’ve been everything to us. When it gets hard to not contact him, that’s when you need to dig deeper then you’ve ever dug(is that even a word?) Could you block his number, he’s harassing you into taking to him or contact him. Harassment is also abuse and you can get the police to intervene on your behalf. I know how much you believe you love him. My oh was my soul mate, I’d have done absolutely anything for him, and did. But he’s hurt me so many times over the years, verbally emotionally and physically. He’s broken my heart into a thousand pieces, there’s no way it could ever be put back together again. Once we see them for what they are, we can’t unsee it, we can’t go back to being the caring, loving, freely sexual person we were before and that will be used against us too. I’m constantly being accused of being cold, distant, having nothing between us. In the beginning I was accused of getting it(sex) elsewhere because of how little we did it. Considering we were every day up until a few years ago, but that’s when I started to look for reasons why he acted like he hated me, I came across WA online by accident last August, and everything he’s said and done has all fitted into place like some big jigsaw I’ve been trying to complete. We have stages we have to go through on order to process his behaviour, denial is the first phase, it’s like the different stages we go through when we are grieving, one day we finally get to acceptance abd can move on. Every day you don’t contact is a day further away from being trauma bonded, don’t let him back in, look up hovering after you’ve left, read up on the cycle of abuse. Keep reading and posting on here. Slowly it does sink in. The only feelings I have fir my oh are of distrust,dislike and contempt, one day I hope im strong enough to actually walk out and file for divorce, until then, I practice grey rock, saving up my cash that I can, and having things ready to just go.
I honestly know only too well that feeling of wanting him to tell you everything will be alright, to hold you and fir you to truly feel safe in his arms. I crave that feeling to, and on the odd occasions that he cuddles me I realise how fake it is, I don’t feel safe in his arms at all. 😔
Stay strong sweetheart, it’s all we can do. 💕💕 IWMB -
Ps I’m highly strung now too, why, because I’ve lived in survival mode for so long, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being ready to fly of the handle, I’d say I’m constantly at a9, so now he really doesn’t have to say or do much in order for me to act ‘crazy’ , therefore proving in his head that I’m not capable of looking after myself, that I need him. So I’ve been retraining myself to stop, think of what he’s said look at his body language, and say nothing or I’ll just say, that’s your opinion, or I’m sorry you feel that wayWayne walk away.
No one will judge you in whatever you decide to do, only we know when our relationship is done
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