22nd December 2020 at 4:09 pm #118257
He says he wants to make things right, but he always says this after he does something wrong and I’ve ended it. I am always the love of his life and he cannot live without me, everything reminds me of him and he has nothing without me. He’s lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
How can he always say the say things after something happens?
He is asking me how he will ever get over me like I even have the answers of how I will get over it myself.
It’s always about how he feels
22nd December 2020 at 4:20 pm #118259EggshellsParticipant
It sounds like he wants to make things right for him, not for you. He says the same things because he knows it works but I’m guessing you know that he doesn’t mean them. If he did mean them, he would do things differently rather than just talking about doing things differently.
22nd December 2020 at 4:28 pm #118261
Round and round in circles. They’re not sorry. He wants to hoover you back so he can do exactly the same again! Abusers often move on with extraordinary rapidity. They need supply. Have you heard of going Grey Rock?
Please do your best to be kind to yourself. These people are very manipulative. They lie through their teeth and live in an alternative reality. They don’t change. They just get worse.
Well done for recognising his behaviour. It’s really worth keeping a diary of interactions with him, so you can look back. You may need these notes as evidence.
22nd December 2020 at 4:41 pm #118263
Ignore his words and look at his actions. Abusers are liars. Absolutely zero contact with him is the way forward.
22nd December 2020 at 6:08 pm #118270
Absolutely! Their words come from the false self. The actions come from the real self. I found this very confusing.
While he’s telling you he can’t live without you, he may be eying up his next victim. Please don’t believe a word he says.
22nd December 2020 at 8:05 pm #118274
It’s strange because I’ve heard the same words so many times after an argument or an issue that’s happened.. or if I’ve ended it before … that it doesn’t even really move me anymore. I read these messages just feeling numb to it. I’m not sad or I don’t feel any essence of love. It’s just like a script he goes to when things mess up. He takes responsibility and realises what a ‘f**k up’ he is (as he calls himself) then before I know it I am reading all these words again because there’s another problem.
I am sure when I stop hearing from him I will miss him and all the good parts we had. But I have to say I do feel more at peace not having to go through it
22nd December 2020 at 8:39 pm #118277
He probably is a (detail removed by Moderator). A baby-man. You weren’t there when he learned to become this way. Please remember that you’re not his therapist, and you’re not a tool. You’re making steps to distance yourself from him, which is really positive. We fall in love with an abuser’s words.
The burden lifted from not having to live with abuse is massive. These days I feel very sorry for the unwanted child my ex once was. I feel no pity for the cowardly rapist and abuser he became. The good times we shared were marred by my a general feeling of a lack of autonomy, lack of respect, feeling slightly afraid…
I’m sure you will miss the ‘good’ bits. One day, you may think of them as being his false self. Of when he was wearing his cloak of deception. Please get as much real life support to hold your hand on this journey. There are so many amazing people and organisations to help and support you moving on. Baby steps!
22nd December 2020 at 8:40 pm #118278HawthornParticipant
Something in you just snaps I think. That’s how it felt for me. Just enough. I wasnt interested in his pathetic excuses or blame anymore. Numb, like you described. I’ve had up and downs since leaving but never regretted it. When I remembered a “good time” I just cast my mind back and recalled the horrible thing that had happened not long before or after. All the “happy” memories bookended by abuse. That helped to pull me quickly back to being glad about my decision again.
You are doing so well. When you can block him completely the true healing can happen. You dont need to wait for him to stop contacting you, cut him off at the source. I feel such strength from your posts. You can do it. It’s scary at first(I nearly vomited after, but didnt!)but so liberating.
Sending hugs, with every day that passes you get stronger and it gets easier. Wishing you a very happy and peaceful Christmas xx
22nd December 2020 at 8:50 pm #118279
Thank you so much for your responses x x x
This may sound very graphic or upfront but does anybody ever find themselves thinking back to times when you have slept together?
For example, when we had the last issue and he was trying so desperately hard to make everything better and tell/show me how much he loves me.. I found myself having sex with him all the while knowing I felt so upset about something he had done and I knew deep down I shouldn’t have been in it. But it felt so good! It’s like he was trying to hard to make it so passionate and loving – at the moment was when I thought NO WAY can this continue. This will become and so apparently now is super toxic!
But yet I can’t stop thinking about it and thinking of when he sleeps with somebody else as time goes on 🙁
I wondered if anybody else had experienced anything like that x
22nd December 2020 at 9:23 pm #118284
Don’t feel guilty about enjoying sex! A lot of people who’ve endured childhood sexual abuse feel guilty because they enjoyed the experience. It’s a physiological response. Make-up sex is well known. My ex didn’t do that. He would withdraw and sulk for Britain. My ex used me only ever as a sex toy. I’ve seen one which is a limbless, headless torso full of holes. I saw myself in his eyes.
Please speak to Rape Crisis. The sex thing is part of the abuse. It’s part of love bombing, part of the hoovering. Many abusers make great lovers. When they can pretend to be intimate, it’s part of the cycle.
My ex did sex at me. I’m in no doubt that he’s doing the same with his current victim.
Don’t be afraid to speak about things like this on the forum. You won’t be alone!
22nd December 2020 at 9:38 pm #118285HawthornParticipant
We sometimes had amazing sex, often after an episode of verbal abuse…sometimes just coz it wasnt awful all the time. But we also had horrible sex, where I just felt used and degraded. When he did sex at me.
I think regardless of how I experienced it, he only ever viewed me and my body as an object available for his pleasure. Sometimes it suited him that I would enjoy myself, sometimes the opposite. Ultimately it was just another tool of power and control he exerted over me.
I really dont envy his next victim. I pity her.x
23rd December 2020 at 5:00 am #118291
Yep the amazing sex was just another part of the abuser. If we think we are people pleasers. They have it down to a fine art. But their motives are sinister. They know there is a bond for us with sex. Often bonding hormones are released after an abusive episode where we want to just console them. It’s mind blowing and our bodies and hormones can work against us.
23rd December 2020 at 5:00 am #118292
23rd December 2020 at 11:40 am #118304Same-againParticipant
Yup, it’s a powerful drug oxytocin. It’s called the cuddle drug and makes you feel safe, warm, loved. As you can imagine after an abusive episode you crave that feeling because your mind/emotional world is so shattered.
Mine could be a good lover when HE wanted to be ie when it served a purpose. At other times not so – all about him. They use the feeling oxytocin gives against you having created the need/want for it in the first place.
I want to get my hands on the ‘abusive man’s handbook’ and burn it. Manipulative little gremlins that that they are. Push, pull, push, pull and repeat – all whilst keeping you off balance in a variety of different/evil/abusive/cruel ways.
23rd December 2020 at 9:51 pm #118333CamelParticipant
What, specifically, are the ‘things’ he wants to ‘make right?’
What, specifically, are the ‘things’ he accepts are wrong?
Do any of these ‘things’ include how you feel? Or are they all about how he feels?
If you can be bothered to have this discussion, ask direct questions. And keep going with them until, inevitably, he gets angry, sulks and finally points the finger of blame at you.
24th December 2020 at 2:09 am #118347EmpoweredhealingParticipant
“Its always about how he feels” You said it completely right. Thats what I finally realized was the the core of the problem. His feelings trump everything! And that justified abuse, control, disrespect, devaluation, criticism, abusive anger and a dozen other nasty behavior. The apologies are just part of the abuse cycle. Just a way for him to get out of feeling bad and get things back to hoe he wants them again. At the end, it’s still ALL about how he feels!
25th December 2020 at 1:52 am #118376GreenSapphireParticipant
Everything you’ve written has come from him. It’s his wants. His needs. His loss. His desires. His heartache and on and on he goes…
The point I want to raise here as others have is that you don’t feature in this picture at all.
In a healthy, loving and respectful relationship both partners needs and wants are mutually exclusive.
In a one sided abusive relationship, one partner gets all their needs and wants met whilst the other has their needs and wants negated.
25th December 2020 at 10:00 am #118391
Thank you all so so much for your responses. It has really helped the last few days.
I am finding it tough especially today and yesterday being Christmas and everything has changed, I miss all the good parts of him.
But still trying to be strong and wait for the holiday season to pass x x
25th December 2020 at 10:15 am #118393HettyParticipant
Hang in there. You’re not alone. I’m sitting in a house that’s not my home, my ex is sitting pretty in that. The worst of it is I can hear next door in all their festive cheer. My young son said “mum, it’s not how many people are in this house, it’s who; you, me and our pet”. I was with my ex last Christmas. It wasn’t the worst but I remember tension, how I was unwell but had to c***k on, how he stormed off from me and my son, made me do things knowing I was ill when all I wanted to do was rest. This time of year is so so difficult 😞 there are things I miss about my ex too, but if being called a c**t, demoralised and devalued, my son being called names etc is the price I have to pay for a little kindness and normality, then it’s a price I’m not willing to pay.
Be kind to yourself and know that better days are coming. The only way out is through and we have each other on here. You’re not alone. Without the support on here from such inspirational and kind women, me and my son would have been trapped in a lifetime of abuse.
25th December 2020 at 11:03 am #118395
Sending hugs to you x
Plus you are so right.. you should never have had to go through that this time last year and that’s not a price you should ever have to pay. I am glad you and your son are out of that relationship!
My ex’s dad had been messaging me this morning saying he will miss me and he has a present for me. I think it’s things like that that make it harder.. breaking up from the family too and then dealing with Christmas and new year on top of it.. especially when he is still trying to ‘fix’ things. Just thinking in a weeks time the festive season can be over.
25th December 2020 at 10:40 am #118394
Wise words Hetty. Just hang in there and make new Christmas memories for you and your child. Sometimes our children see the things we cannot. It’s the good times that keep us trapped but we pay for those good times in other ways and that price is simply too high. Looking back the ‘good times’ were just in fact what a good decent partner would do anyway without any thought or effort and wouldn’t expect anything in return. The crumbs they throw us can feel like the whole cake because we are so starved of compassion. Good riddance to bad rubbish x
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