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    • #142349
      wildandfree
      Participant

      Hey all.

      Having a bit of a bad day. I have been out and free for some time now and I have rebuilt a happy life.

      My ex husband used to message all the time asking me back despite him being in a long term relationship. I usually ignore. When he is alone, he messages, and (removed by moderator) he said he missed me. We got into a stupid argument (removed by moderator) as I was so fed up with him. I am trying to reuibld my life and I don’t need him sending me that stuff. I angrily pointed out some of the things he did during the marriage as a way of showing that his behaviour was unacceptable and that he would never do those things to his girlfriend.

      He then said, during the marriage he treated me with the behaviour I deserved. This is a man who lied, cheated, controlled me, slept with numerous men and women, belittled me and so much more.

      I believed all that for so long. I believed that everything he did, or said, or the people he slept with, that somehow I deserved all of it because there was something wrong with me. Because how could my husband who told me he loved me more than anyone ever would, how could he treat me that way?

      Whilst I know it is not me, it triggered all those doubts I have held for so long. I am genuinely finding myself questioning if I caused it, if I made him like that?

      Surely none of us deserve the abuse?

    • #142352
      maddog
      Participant

      He WILL treat his new partner in exactly the same way as he treated you. It’s not you.

      We want to believe in the people we love. Unfortunately we fell for a partner who doesn’t and can’t do love. We fell in love with a shadow. When we look behind the facade, there’s nothing there.

      What you describe is very typical abuser behaviour. They grind us down then spit us out.

      Regarding the texting, are you able to tell him that you no longer want to hear from him? It’s really important to record everything. His behaviour sounds quite stalky. When you’re able to tell him to stop making contact with you, it’s vital that you go absolutely No Contact with him. You’ll then be in a better position to focus on yourself.

      Counselling can be really helpful.

      The things that created your abusive ex husband happened long, long before you met him. They’re baked in, and he won’t change. You didn’t cause the abuse. It all came from him.

      The Freedom Programme with Women’s Aid is really good to help identify abusive behaviours, and to learn that it really isn’t our fault. You can’t know what you don’t know, and then you can’t unsee what you’ve seen.

      For yourself, it may help to contact Women’s Aid, Rape Crisis, and it’s important to get tested for STIs.

      As you learn about abuse, the tactics, the behaviour, you’ll spot it far sooner. There are good people out there and the baddies start waving red flags around pretty early on.

      Well done for escaping. You’ll get there!

    • #142356
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      My ex when I angrily pointed out everything he had done to me in the relationship, said to me that’s not me , even when I sent him videos screaming at me , texts of threats showing it was him , who else was it then lol They will not take responsibility for any wrong doing it will always be our fault or some excuse it’s deflection another tactic they use in abusive relationships, do not doubt yourself and you dont need his validation, you know what he done to you , you know your telling the truth , nobody deserves that treatment and he knows his part , but will not accept blame so he blames you for the way he was treating you . If you don’t need any communication with him I would completely cut him off now , ignore or block , he wants a reaction obviously, also I doubt very much his treating his girlfriend any better , they don’t change and just carry all the baggage onto their next victim. None of us cause this behaviour they like to think they are so perfect so obviously it’s us , rest assured it’s not you . Continue with how well you are doing , do not allow him to disturb your healing x

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