He says I'm the abuser

[Allforthem]

Hi, I’m very new here and have recently split from my partner. Struggling quite a bit to get my head around everything now I am away. We had recently had a baby and since then the emotional abuse just got completly out of hand to the point where I felt like I didn’t know myself anymore and couldn’t be the mother that I wanted to be. I was walking on eggshells constantly. When things were good they were great… I think that’s why I stuck it for soo long. Anyway… Things were definitely heading to an end and he knew it… But instead of try to fight for us he kept verbally attacking… Saying things about my mum, my other son he said the worst things to the point where I had enough and slapped him. I completely feel he was provoking me for some type of reaction and is now accussing me of being an abuser. He has threatened to take my baby off me and has told his family that I hit him. Its awful. The enormity of the whole thing has just hit me up the face to the point where I am thinking… Is he right??? Am I a fit mother?? Would the baby be better with out me. I am a strong person but this has completly broken me.

[KIP.]

No you are not an abuser and abuse very often escalates after childbirth when we are extra vulnerable. Abusers leave us feeling totally confused, head spinning. The fact that he is using his family in this way just shows his true colours. He provoked you. I slapped my ex when my baby was young, he came home drunk, took him out his cot and staggered about with him, not giving him back, I was hysterical. And yes I slapped him. But who the hell would do that to a baby and mother. My advice is to go total zero contact with him. Use a third party for any communication regarding your child. You are a brilliant mother. It took me three decades to work out I was being abused and escape. He threatened to take my son from me as he was in a position of authority. They will use whatever they know will hurt you most. They are liars and delusional monsters but our self esteem and confidence are so low by the time we escape our head is all over the place. Contact your local women’s aid for support. Be wary of his family and others he may use as flying monkeys. He’s out to discredit you so that when his behaviour is revealed, he’s already told people you are the bad one. Hold your head high, don’t respond to him. Block him on everything and stay strong. So proud you took that step to leave. It’s extremely difficult when our gut tells us it won’t be easy but you will never appease an abuser so zero contact and look after yourself and your precious little ones. They need you now strong and healthy and happy! Well done you x

[Allforthem]

Thank you for your message, my head is a whirl. I have allowed him contact as I feel he is a good dad and don’t want the baby to miss out on this important bond but it is killing me seeing him, think the 3rd party advise is great but with all that is happening in the world at the minute would this even be safe? Or am I just being parionoid?? My brain literally will not work for me. It has been a very recent thing and I have just found out he is txting someone else… I am disgusted and heartbroken and he can’t get his head around this as I was the one to leave him. Struggling to keep my head above water… Thank you for your lovely comments and suggestions x

[KIP.]

Any contact is toxic. These men cannot form a bond that’s why they find it so easy to move on. Think very carefully if you want this kind of man around your child. Talk to women’s aid. Get some advice. Abusing the mother is abusing the child. You have seen his personality. Be very careful what kind of a bond your child has with him because he will use it to hurt and control, always. It might be worth getting some legal advice too about access. Some women won’t allow access until there is a legal contact agreement. He can walk away with your child and not return them and all you can do is go through the Courts to get them back. Be very careful. Google triangulation. My ex also involved another woman, it’s what they do. Hoping we will come running back to them. The onLy place I ran was to a solicitor.she actually changed her Facebook status to in a relationship with my husband. He told her we were separated. My child learned terrible behaviour from his father and I would spare you that. Children need a bond with a good decent male role model and that’s not him. Bonding with an abuser is not good. We now know that. You could use a third party for all arrangements then you don’t even have to talk to him If and when he Collects his child. Just open and close the door x start as you mean to go on and don’t allow him close enough to hurt you again x

[Wants To Help]

Hi All For Them,

Yes, I know that feeling when they move on to someone else so quickly, even though we left them. Been there and done that myself – begged him to come back and he did. Did our relationship improve? No.

In my case and experience, what I was so scared of was that his new woman might end up with the wonderful man that I (naively) thought was buried deep down inside of him. I was scared that she might be THE woman that could bring ‘him out’ and live happily ever after with a wonderful man that I’d missed out on because I hadn’t tried hard enough to understand his issues, support him, care for him and ‘fix’ him.

What my counselling taught me was that I was too insecure and ‘needy’ to understand that I could function perfectly well as a single woman, and that I’d rather be with someone who made me miserable than be happy alone. I knew deep down that this man didn’t love me. Okay, he’d say he loved me, but he didn’t nurture me, he didn’t enhance my well-being, he didn’t make me feel like love should feel. But he was better than no one, or so I thought.

I think your feelings and reactions are normal, but think really hard before you act on them. Do you really want him back or are you also scared that someone else may end up with the ‘wonderful’ version of him? The version that really doesn’t exist, except inside our head (that he has so conveniently messed with!)

[Author]

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