He says it is my fault-emotional/verbal abuse

[Anonymousandafraid]

I have been with my partner my entire adult life. He suffers from depression that he will not address. Our relationship was strained following the birth of our first child less than a decade ago. He struggled at work and became very withdrawn. His friendships fell apart and was fired twice from two different jobs & was bullied in both. He now has his dream job.
I became increasingly isolated myself and combined with my (then undiagnosed) anxiety disorder left me struggling to cope with him & young children.
I am ashamed to say I did scream & yell as he became more & more withdrawn as I tried to cope with his emotional pain, my children, housework & a full time job. I harboured suicidal thoughts & engaged in self-harm.
Following a horrible fight (detail removed by moderator) where I punched a wall- I sought counselling to “fix” myself & understand my anger and confusion.
My memory is confused as I have been told I’m lying or gas lighting him so often- but I remember him refusing to talk to me for months before that horrible fight, he repeatedly blames me for literally everything, his lack of friends his getting fired. He will interrogate and cross exam me for hours as to “what I’m planning”, he will be happy and smiling when I leave for work and sullen and withdrawn on my return. He will withdraw into rooms and shut the door for hours, grunt answers & just criticize & criticize & then suddenly be sunny but if I try to address the more upsetting behaviour he will stone wall me.
I feel crazy – I am struggling to cope. He will hammer on for hours and hours late into the night about how it’s all my fault- he has screamed and me & my children that we don’t care for him that no-one wants him around. The children increasingly try to mollify him. He will reframe my concern as criticism until I’m so confused I’m exhausted. It is like taking to an addict. Anything can be weaponized- cooking dinner is “ignoring him”.
My councillor says I’m emotionally abused & encourages me to leave as does friends & family.
We tried marriage counselling but it fell apart but it fell apparent he says its gendered bias against him he now says all counselling is closed to him.
He says I am just refusing to accept what a terrible person I am and take responsibility for my actions.
But I did fight ugly I could have been more compassionate during those years
He behaviour can be intimidating but he was only violent once- smashing up a wall
Is this emotional abuse? How do I cope?

[Anonymous]

Sounds all too familiar. I was in a relationship with my ex for (detail removed by moderator), but it lasted (detail removed by moderator) years. Sounds mad, but he wouldn’t let go. He said that I was being unjust to me and professionals. I had to speak to him some time, I was not putting the kids first. He would sexually pressure me, and get inside my head, but he only ever smashed my door once. I can remember finding out that he had called my daughter a liar, on something he was actually trying to hide, and I raised my hand to him. Of course, he went to social services and told them I was a loon, mentally ill and the like. The abuse I suffered from my ex, abuse I could not see because it was spoken… there was no proof of it, it was just words, caused me to get so ill and exhausted that my nervous system is destroyed. I have episodes where my memory fails, my back hurts so much I shake, and it flares up every time he starts speaking, blaming, calling me mad. They blame, and destroy people. I believed my ex for years. I was bad because I had a bad childhood, I was a bad mother because I tried to escape from him, I was violent because I raised my hand in frustration. Do not let him make you believe you are not you.

[KIP.]

I wonder if he behaves with others they way he behaves with you. Would he be abusive outside the home where there are witnesses in public? What I’m trying to say is he can control himself when he wants to. He just chooses to abuse you and it always gets worse. Listen to the professionals. Read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. These men simply move the goal posts so you cannot win an argument. They are the ones who gaslight, bully, manipulate etc. Totally confusing behaviour.

[diymum@1]

this sounds like my storey to a tee actually. he was depressed locked himself in the room when you should have been parenting his child. got bullied at work (he couldnt take orders basically) he wasnt depressed (i thought he was for  years) it was confirmed in court that he wasnt from a doctor. he was abusive and needed to be top dog also confirmed in writing from a therapist. he was able to all sorts of things once he was free off me apparently like very vigorous sporting activities – so there you go all a bluff to get out of responsibilities. i also felt the same as you and no wonder! this would drive anyone to the edge and being blamed for his behaviour – no no no xxxx

much love diymum

[Biscuitsandbikes]

I just wanted to say I recognise my situation in this a great deal.

The hiding in the room (or going back to bed/ under covers), the monosyllabic answers to questions/ sullen outlook- followed by a sunny outlook. Complete change in the space of a few hours.

Oh.. and too depressed to do things, vs fine to go out with friends drinking.

Weaponising everyday tasks- yes!

Anyway, I don’t have much advice other than to say i) you’ve made me feel not so crazy and alone (I’ve posted on here and the support has really helped me) and ii) I hope I have helped you not feel so alone too.

Hugs.

(Oh and also.. ‘the way I’ve treated him is appalling’ apparently.)

[Anonymousandafraid]

Thank you all for responding

I had had 10 days or so where he was upbeat & had tentatively noted it asked what had changed & he brushed me off.
Yesterday I foolishly looked for emotional support as I had been on his schedule & mood for weeks. I expressed concern for him & that lead to (detail removed by moderator) hours of unrelenting misery. He just interrogated me for hours on “why I had done this to him” making me repeat what I said over & over.
Re-litigating the fact I “don’t want to see myself as capable of the terrible things I’ve done” Frantically pacing up & down- crying out- asking for hugs & comfort then saying I was doing it wrong- repeatedly asking “what I’m thinking” – for hours.
Saying “I want him gone” That I’m lying to neighbours about being physically abused – just paranoid accusations over & over.
I am so exhausted all the time.

[Author]

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