He says it’s both of us

This topic contains 23 replies, has 8 voices, and was last updated by Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 1 week, 2 days ago.

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  • #67729
    Profile photo of Julka Julka 
    Participant

    Hello everyone, I’ve just come out of the most recent cycle of abuse this weekend and my husband is trying to start another ‘honeymoon’ phase, and whenever I resist, he turns abusive again. I don’t know what to do next, it is so tempting to let it go, go back to normal.( normal???) I have been with him for (detail removed by moderator) years, married, we have two young kids together. The warning signs have always been there, but the circumstances of my life sorted trapped me in this relationship – foreign country, no family here, coming from an abusive family myself. I almost decided not to marry him but caved in to the pressure of social expectations, could not bear the shame of breaking it up at the time, was scared of loneliness and starting again. In the (detail removed by moderator) years since the abuse got worse around the time we had our first son, he just seemed completely unable to control emotions at times. He is a decent person in between, responsible albeit quite judgemental and opinionated, but when it starts he will do anything to hurt me, mostly emotionally and verbally, but also at times physically. Some examples from a few weeks after my giving birth: a huge argument – I can no longer remember what started it- him holding the baby and calling me names, me crying and begging him to let me hold the baby, him saying he will take the baby away to his parents and will have me sectioned because I’m mental, he is so angry, his face is a picture of hate and anger, I keep trying to get the baby, he then kicks me in stomach, allegedly protecting himself and his son!!! Another incident around the same time, I’m getting ready to go out with work friends for the first time since having the first baby, another argument starts about nothing, he tells me I should go and kills myself, my child and him will be better of without me, I’m mental etc etc. Within a few months of that I started on antidepressants, nothing to do with labour, everything to do with him. I stayed on them for five years. I kept it a secret as I was scared he would use it against me but he found out and started using it against me. Every argument : you are mental, you need help, I will have you sectioned, you are not fit to be a mother, go and get your drugs, I will report you, they will take your child Away, you need to get off your drugs… when I finally did (detail removed by moderator) years later – I’ve been off for almost a year now, he accuses me of the same thing, I’m mental, I need to go back on the drugs this time. I can’t win. He is physically violent, has slapped me in the face when I was pregnant, kicked me in the stomach weeks after giving birth, but me in the stomach with full force where I was gasping for breath, threw me across the sofa onto the floor, pushed me against the stairs and threatened to break my arm, choked me, spat in my face, manhandled me. Broke my property : smashed phone, mirror, his car keys so that I could not go to work, threataeawnd to not let me into the house, asked me to leave the house in the middle of the night, been rude to my friends and family, called me names, b***h, c**t, frigid B***h, called me stupid, told me I smell, I’m ugly, told me I’m a n**i, told me my father did the right thing to leave me… my friends don’t come to our house as there’s atmosphere here, he has no friends of his own and zero social life. (Detail removed by moderator) I’ve kept most of it a secret all those years, shame, the belief that if I change things will get better. There is so much more I could write here but I’d be at it for days… he accepts his behaviour is unacceptable but refuses to acknowledge some of it, the extent of it, and blames me for the rest. He calls me a violent bully because in the past O would slap him in the face whenever he refused to apologise for calling me a c**t a b***h. He blames me and belittles what happens. And I feel brainwashed. I am so anxious and stressed all the time, and when the good time starts when he is a good husband and father I instantly erase the ‘incidents’ from my memory but it is becoming harder and harder. Is it abuse? Am I turning into an abuser myself after all those years? This is what he wants me to believe. There is so much more to it too much to write here. I’m scared he already broke me and is breaking out children too the abuse mostly happens when they are asleep but not exclusively. Help me. I don’t know what to think r to do. I feel like I’m going crazy and question myself at every step.

  • #67733
    Profile photo of  Anonymous

    Hi, this is a very familiar storey just about to every fine detail. He’s abusing you, and the kids witnessing this only once even is abuse. Its not just another volatile relationship consisting of you both behaving like this.It’s his behaviour and its totally unacceptable no matter what excuse he has. You may have tried to defend yourself which is reasonable.So thats why you feel your partly to blame, but honestly this blame is definitely 100% not yours. Abuse leaves an indelible mark on our brain and on the kids. Find a safe way to get out. Call womens aod get advice. Don’t go on like this there’s help for you get some support ☺xx💕💕

  • #67736
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    His behaviour is terrible and unquestionably abusive. You should feel safe in your own home. Anything else is unacceptable. Abusive people behave in predictable ways. Please make contact with Women’s Aid. You can also report to the police. Make sure you speak to the Domestic Violence Unit. Your gp should be able to offer help.

    This is emphatically NOT your fault. Perpetrators are terrifying and we do what needs to be done to survive. Victim Support are also fantastic.

    NSPCC may be able to advise you on how to protect the children and give you support. Please start reaching out for real life support. It’s there. It’s much easier to have a guide like Women’s Aid or an IDVA to find your way towards the most appropriate help.

  • #67738
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hello Julka, yes it is very much abuse what he is doing to you, the worst kind it seems. We could give you all the advice you want but it sounds as if you are so traumatised by everything hes done, I’m afraid you might run away and not post again or for a while. Take it slowly and simple. The first thing I would advise is to get in touch with WA or your local one if you cant get through. You really need someone every step of the way with this. He’s despicable 😡and very dangerous. Keep posting , know we have all been through very similar or some of the abuse you are living in.
    The more you read and the more information you get and also the more you see how very similar the abusers are to their partners, the more you’ll find that bit extra strength within you. You’ve reached out to us, but we can only talk to you. Reach out to those who can help you practically. Talk to your doctor, definately talk to someone regarding b your children. But be prepared for things to move faster than what you might be ready for.

    Take care lovely
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67763
    Profile photo of Kessy Kessy 
    Participant

    Totally abuse unfortunately :c

  • #67769
    Profile photo of Lisa Lisa 
    Main Moderator

    Hi Julka,

    Thank you for posting, it must have taken a lot to do so. You are explaining an extremely abusive and dangerous man. I’m concerned for you as you mention physical violence which is a threat to your life. You also mention serious coercive control and emotional abuse.

    His abusive behaviour and the confusion and exhaustion it leads to, is making you question yourself. This is not your fault, you are not causing any of this. Your husband is the only person responsible for this.

    It is however only you who can take the steps to protect yourself and your children. But please be aware there is specialist support available whenever you are ready, you don’t have to do this alone.
    Please consider calling the freephone National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 to speak to a female support worker in confidence. They won’t tell you what to do or pressure you to take any action, but can talk through your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You could consider refuge as a way of getting away to somewhere safe, where there is support for you and your children.

    Keep posting when you can,

    Lisa

    WA Forum Moderator

  • #67770
    Profile photo of Julka Julka 
    Participant

    Thank you everyone for responding. I’ve read what you said with tears running down my face. I’ve had a good day at work, children are in bed, he is away for work and I just feel like this is all too surreal, like it’s not me it is happening to, like I should just get some sleep and get back to ‘normal’ until the next time it happens. Because in between IS normal. That’s the bit I cannot get my head around!! That’s the bit that makes me question everything, him being a good father, a responsible partner, until it happens again. Out of nowhere, for no apparent reason.every two three months. If it happened all the time it would make more sense in my head??? I read your responses and my immediate thoughts were perhaps I didn’t tell you enough, I didn’t tell you how angry I also get, how I never try to ‘pacify’ him but just immediately have this ‘you should not be doing this and I will make it very clear to you’ reaction. The main things I feel all the time are anger, resentment and GUILT. And questioning myself, my actions, my reactions, my judgement.im so absolutely scared about reaching out for help because of my children, I fear that once the machine gets rolling I will not be able to stop it, I will not be able to control it, I will not be able to manage. I dread disrupting the relative stability of the family home for my children. I never had it and it was absolutely paramount for me to give it to my children, the absolute irony of it. I now I keep saying it but I read your responses and I thought – is it me? Did I not present it in the right way? Was I not objective enough? Everybsingle thing I wrote is true and yet I still question myself, and now I question you too. I’m not going to run from this forum though, I promise. Thank you.

  • #67772
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    You are experiencing the FOG, Fear, Obligation, Guilt. It is normal for you to feel like this under these terrible circumstances. The whole thing is cyclical. I made contact with Women’s Aid long before I understood the true horror of my ex’s behaviour. I had normalised so much.

    It’s not you. It really isn’t. By speaking to Women’s Aid you won’t be betraying anyone.

    So many of us have wanted things to be normal and have normalised appalling behaviour by sweeping it under the carpet and hoping for the better times. Sadly the better times are illusory.

    The moves forward are in baby steps. It is not a journey anyone would chose to take but one that so many of us find ourselves on. There are so many wonderful people out there to guide us along our particular path out of danger.

    You have been tremendously brave by posting here. You are in control of the machine. It won’t run away without you. By reaching out in real life you will find the support of people who understand but who absolutely will not tell you what to do. You will find people who will accompany you to difficult meetings and support you when you need it, and you will find a new way of finding safety for yourself and your children however long it takes.

    Separation and divorce are horrible things to go through for anyone. To escape an abusive partner really takes specialist help. It’s not you. No no no!

  • #67784
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Maddog is right Julka, you are in charge at all times. WA are there to show you your options and advise you every step of the way. You have someone in your life controlling it 24/7, they will never force you to do anything you don’t want to. They can get you a lawyer, help you with benefits advice and get you into a safe house and help with housing forms. Lean on them, and us. Post whenever, whatever you want. Rant, write gobbledygook if it mskes you feel better. We will always listen and reply to you. You’ve been so so brave, baby steps is all you can manage💜
    Take strength knowing there are people who know exactly what you’re going through. Love to you and your babies
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67852
    Profile photo of Julka Julka 
    Participant

    I am such a fool, he (detail removed by moderator) expecting things to have returned to normal, but of course they have not, as I’ve been thinking about it all every spare moment. I thought against my own better judgement that I could talk to him openly, and explain why I don’t, can’t act as if everything is ok. He said(detail removed by moderator), and that he at least recognised that he did something wrong and I do not, and that I am an abuser myself, but I am worse for not recognising or admitting it. He would not speak to me civilly and followed me around when I tried to end the conversation, became really agitated and aggressive, finding things to blame me for to make out that I am a bad mother, for example (removed by moderator) and that I’m selfish and only think of myself and will harm my own son because of that. The usual. So angry and on the attack, just not assigning any value to what I was trying to say to him, dismissive and belittling, telling me again I’m crazy. I wish I had never spoken out now but what was I supppsef to do, lie and pretend that all is ok? Sleep in the same bed with him? I’m so stressed again my head is spinning. When I’m away from him or things are ok between us it all feels like a bad dream and then when it happens again it feels like the worst nightmare to live through over and over again.

  • #67860
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Julka, he’s projecting his feelings onto you. If you listen to what hes saying hes actually telling you about himself. Replace the you with i, it’s classic abusive behaviour😔 can you tell him in the morning that after the few days apart, his aggressive behaviour on returning, that you made a mistake letting him back in and you dont want him back at all. I hope you can find the strength to do so. Best of luck. You are NOT the abuser, he is, please dont let his words cloud your judgement. Listen to your gut. How tied up in knots is she, what about the pain at the top of your stomach just in the middle. I bet you feel sick.
    I hope you’re okay. 🤨

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67867
    Profile photo of Julka Julka 
    Participant

    He does not think I have the right to let him in or not – he hd been away for work- he thinks that if I’m not happy I should leave, even though the house belongs to both of us, and he would not let me leave with the children. He never left even when I begged him to just do it for the afternoon, or to spend the night away until things calmed down. Not a single time. It was always me having to stay at hotels or friends, which I’ve now stopped doing, I just stay at home, because it is my home and my children are here. He regularly tells me that I should leave though and that he and the children will be better off without me. (detail removed by moderator) he told me not to come back home after work until I sort myself out, and that he would not let me into the house if I do. He took it all back in the morning in the hope of prompt reconciliation, not that I’m not willing to move on he is retaliating.

  • #67873
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Julka, he loses his rights the moment he’s become abusive. WA solicitor says i can get an Interim exclusion, where he is put out of the house by the courts. It’s a huge step to take but he works and factually can afford to rent somewhere. It’s classic abuse this push pull that they do. Great for our self esteem isn’t it😪 dont believe the children will be better off with him, really, take out that he’s the father figure, if he was a stranger would you leave your children with him? They ALWAYS make out we’re bad parents, but you see him fir what he is, be the responsible parent, protect your children from him and yourself 💜 If you could see the future them, the decisions you make now would be so different. Our children get so damaged being around abuse, the grown up child is so damaged, sometimes beyond repair😭
    I think if we actually did leave kids and all, they’d show their true colours even more . Keep safe, keep posting.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67879
    Profile photo of Julka Julka 
    Participant

    IWMB thank you for your response. I’m just scared that he will try and turn it around and make me the abuser – in fact I know he will. He conceds that he is abusive but maintains that so am I. I’m just so scared that if I take one wrong step this will spiral completely out of control and something will happen with the children, ie he will get them or they will be taken away from both of us. This fear paralyses me. I know he can manipulate the situation and push comes to shove will be able to think more clearly than me. He already did it, when I called the police last year because I could not take it any more(detail removed by moderator) he made it out that I attacked him, and when I truthfully admitted to the officer that I (detail removed by moderator) after he had been provoking me and calling me the worst things in the world for some time they said that as I started it he had the right to press charges!!! But you would have to be dead not to react when someone goes out of their way for hours to make you lose it, pushes all your buttons, lies to your face threatens you and abuses you! But I’m just so scared the system will fail me, that I will fail myself because I feel so weak and confused at the moment.

  • #67900
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Julka, try and see your doctor. Once you stop keeping his behaviour a secret, he can’t have this insidious control over you. Tell the doctor how scared you are for the children. He is emotionally blackmailing you too amongst other things. They are so da.n clever even when it comes to people in authority, all butter wouldnt melt. Then there’s us, screaming, crazy women, who should be locked up for our own good. Thank goodness those days have changed but some men still pull the shes crazy card.😡 let your doctor know how long the abuse van go on for. What he’s doing is called crazy making, that is grounds fir divorce straight away. 😔my lawyer is writing to my doctor for this very type of proof in order to get some writ to get him out of the house legally. Doesn’t matter if you’ve hit back or lost it because of the level of verbal non stop abuse they keep shouting at you. The mind games, the intimidation of possible physical abuse or worse.
    Please make a point of contacting your doctor tomorrow, get an emergency appointment even if you’ve to tell the receptionist why, they will do their best to protect you too 💜💜 I’m really worried for you too
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #67927
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    I watched Gaslight on Youtube. This time I saw it through different eyes.

    None of us are perfect but there is an ocean of difference between being imperfect and being an abuser.

    My ex lied to the police and had me arrested for something that didn’t happen. They will stoop to any level. He had me arrested because I told him I no longer wanted to be married to a man who condones the violence of a child against a parent. So he had to regain control.

    It is a shattering and confusing time. It is so worth reaching out. You really don’t need to keep someone else’s dirty little secrets. It’s your life you’re talking about. Your experiences. That’s nothing to do with him.

  • #68080
    Profile photo of Julka Julka 
    Participant

    Thank you for your contributions. I’ve spent the last few days frantically educating myself on all the things you have mentioned: FOG, gaslighting,trauma bonding, co-dependence, and also narcissistic personality disorder and overt narcissism – the more I understand about it the more the last years and how I feel and am now make sense – I am not crazy. I am so grateful for the fact that my eyes have been opened – I haven’t yet got a precise plan, nor the strength to execute it, but I will not let him destroy me and will try my hardest to break this cycle for the sake of the future of my children. I feel sorry for him and myself – we had both been broken by trauma in our childhood, but I’m starting to realise that the only way for me to win this battle, this war, is to leave at some point. I cannot mend him, I’ve got to save myself and the children. I’ll be seeing a doctor tomorrow and making an appointment with solicitors soon. I’ve reached out to WA and am now in contact with a support worker from there. Sending some of the little strength I’ve got and started to build to the rest of you who need it xx

  • #68081
    Profile photo of maddog maddog 
    Participant

    Wow! Well done! What fantastic news Julka. I have been learning more about the trauma of childhood. It’s difficult to join in with the world when we take the problems, the dreadful things that happened, onto our own young shoulders. It makes it so much harder to treat ourselves with kindness when it hasn’t happened to us through the situations we were subjected to.

    I know my parents did their best through some truly terrible times. When I was little I didn’t feel it at all. I became terrified of dying or being ill. I never missed a day of school. In the end my mental health vanished and there was nothing left.

    WA probably has a solicitor they work with and you should be able to make an appointment through WA to see them.

  • #68085
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Julka💜💜 that is great news. What happens to us in childhood, it’s s..t, but that’s life, it’s tough. We don’t turn out as abusers because of what happened to us as children, our partners chose to be like that. Try and write down stuff that’s happened in order to let your doctor know,in case you find you become tongue tied or your memory goes blank, let her know how scared you are of him, how hes trying to make out youre the abuser not him. It’s really hard even admitting to them you’re being abused, take tissues with you, they’ll probably advise seeing WA and a lawyer. Let them know how crazy you’ve been made to feel, the more info they have the better. Good luck, I’m so proud of you lovely💜👋
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68134
    Profile photo of Apricotpoppy Apricotpoppy 
    Participant

    Hi Julka, That is terrible how you have been treated. Good that you are reading up on everything. It helps us make sense of it.
    Can I suggest be careful what you tell him. He has been so nasty and dangerous and behaviour could get worse. Please keep you and the kids safe xx

  • #68137
    Profile photo of fridges fridges 
    Participant

    Hello, Julka,
    I read your story and I recognise myself so much in you. Well done that you started to get the advice and support. The more information you will find out, the more helpful it will be to you. In your situation please do not tell him what are you planning. Even when you come to the certain plan or decision – do not tell him anything!
    He does not know it, he can not sabotage it.
    I stuck (detail removed by moderator) in one abusive relationship and then straight in to the next one fro almost (detail removed by moderator) again. Multiple attempts to leave – failed so many times, as i was making both of them aware of my decision to stop relationship.
    They can trick you back, or find the leverage how to keep you.
    Very often abusers accuse victims of the abuse. What you did – it was kind of self defence, often they use this tactic in front of the police, so you will be on the bad books. His tactic I can see why he did this way, he was making sure you will never turn to the police. Many abusers can create similar situations, or make you something to do, which prevents you to get help, so that can carry on do as they pleased.
    Now register with your GP all the violent attacks, take photos yourself and resend to the safe email. Record him when he goes violent. Also resend to the safe place. It all be useful to you.
    Just like you I’m not from here, and I found women’s aid when I already left the relationship. I wish I came across when I was in both of these relationships. You are in the right place and you are not mad. Of course you will be depressed and upset, and anxious, and doubting yourself, as you are with someone who does awful things to you. REMEMBER, it is not your fault, you did not deserve it. Neither you did something wrong, that gives him the right to harm you. Time to take this privilege away.
    While you will be building your plan, do that he has no suspicion, do not give yourself away. In time when you attempt leaving or changing the course, abuser becomes even more violent.

  • #68222
    Profile photo of Julka Julka 
    Participant

    Hi everyone, thanks so much for taking the time to respond and share.
    It’s been (detail removed by moderator) since the last abusive incident and even though I’m still going through with the motions I have planned – seeing GP, solicitor, WA support worker, educating myself – I’m starting to feel like in my head I’m already dissociating myself from what happened, not in a sense of doubting myself but almost forgetting what happened, as if my mind was slowly erasing it against my will of that makes sense? Husband has been very quiet and sort of trying to maintain peace, but without really addressing the issue, but the overall ‘good’ behaviour on his part is probably contributing to the cognitive dissonance I’m experiencing. The thing is, I’m kind of aware of it, but how do I stop it? It will stop me from acting, again, it happened to me before over and over again.

  • #68223
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi Julka, it’s good to hear from you💜 I’m in your exact situation too. I’ve done all the practical stuff while my head is clear and not while in the middle of one of his episodes. It’s not as easy as i thought it would be. I’m even more confused now 😔 our mind is very good at protecting us from the horrors that surround us. My oh too is bring relatively quiet, doing stuff around the house, even taking his own dishes in, making tea and his own suppers!!! And not really badgering me for sex🤗🤗 Because they won’t address the problem, because as far as they’re concerned there is no issue, yet we still watch what we say and do around them😏 so as not to cause anither stoorie.
    We are getting stronger, putting things in place, so that when there is a next time, we’ll have a place to go, have saved some money up, our GPS knows what is going on, we have the support of WA, the ladies on here, remember they can help when we do decide to go. Put a safe exit plan into place👏
    WE can’t stop the chemical reaction going on in our brains(trauma bonding) but we can get stronger, gain more information and one day WE WILL LEAVE THEM💜💜
    You are doing so well Julka, you are strong, beautiful, sexy and worth better than him. I wish sometimes we could meet up with each other and give ourselves the biggest hugs, just know I’m doing that for you in my heart.

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #68225
    Profile photo of Iwantmeback Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Going through the motions is a very apt description. If we look at it logically, we’re doing this very difficult task in order to protect ourselves, let us live in a peaceful home. I want to stop it all too, but i know if i do, when he blows up again I’ll be back at square one again😭
    I’m doing something i don’t want to, it’s so hard to put our feelings before someone elses, as girls, we have been brought up to be good, accommodating, put our feelings to one-side, perfect abuser material. Well no longer💪💪

    IWMB 💕💕

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