He still makes me feel bad

[Henryhoover]

I split from my emotionally abusive partner of (detail removed by moderator) a month ago. I have known him all my life but he started being really helpful to my daughter and me when I was going through a bad breakup from my first boyfriend and next thing I knew we were together. The whole time he played the you ow me guilt trip bullying me to have sex every night etc.

Anyway as I’ve said I finally got the strength to leave I’ve been suffering from panic attacks since I left but I’ve been so much happier as have the children. Anyway I went for a night away first time in years with my cousin we had a few drinks (which went straight to my head as I wasn’t aloud to drink when I was with him) I look at my phone and see a text saying “Hope whoever your sleeping with tonight treats you well” instantly I felt guilty and bad. I’ve never had a one night stand or slept with anyone but him and my ex. Why is he in my head so much I feel guilty for everything even though we aren’t together and I’ve done nothing wrong. Is this normal?

[KIP.]

He knows exactly what to say to make you feel guilty. Abusers are expert at this. You say yourself how he used to guilt trip and bully you into having sex. Sex without consent or if you have sex to avoid the consequences of his actions can be regarded as rape. Abusers keep us by Fear Obligation and Guilt. If you’ve been programmed by him for (detail removed by moderator) it’s going to take a while to get his dysfunctional behaviour out your head. You have nothing to feel guilty about. He, on the other hand is showing his true colours. Getting back into your head space. Total no contact is what is needed to break away from his controlling behaviour. That’s what it is. He ruined your night out and has got you questioning yourself again. And thinking about him again. So feeling guilt is normal in abusive relationships as are panic attacks when we leave. No wonder as these men are so unpredictable and anxiety is what comes from this behaviour. Perhaps ring the helpline on her or speak to your GP. Read about the cycle of abuse and hoovering in abusive relationships. Hang in there and try to block his number and contacts details meantime x

[Henryhoover]

Thanks for the reply he just likes to make me feel bad. I got the usual sorry txt this morning and how he chooses to be with me and that we will be together. I was never aloud to drink when we were together so that’s why he started when he knew I was going out. He plays on his depression to guilt trip me. Then says he doesn’t blame me for leaving. It’s so hard to go no contact when we have children. At least he’s stopped trying to use them to get at me for now. As I’ve been away from him am seeing things alot clearer. Like him begging me for a third child then when I got pregnant saying he wants me to get rid of him. I didn’t but I had 9months of being made to feel bad. I get it from both sides too as his mum goes on at me too but I’ve bad to use her for the holidays as I didn’t have the money for childcare. Luckily I’m off now for the rest of them so can keep some more distance.

Sorry I’m rambling. Thanks again

[Author]

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