He threatened suicide of course!

[Trueblue]

So i am at the last stage. Keep going round in circles, i tell him i dont love him, he gets upset or angry, emotionally blackmails me by saying im taling his kids away, his house away. He married for life, im not getting away that easy. Begging me to try love him, why cant i lpve him, ive not made an effort or tried (i have for years actually!). Then pressuring me for sex.

I thought i was being mean, but i just dont love him after years of abuse. Thank you KIP, i see through it, his acts of ‘niceness’ helping with kids lots and tidying up. He did this before when i left and it will last a month or so. He says he has changed and this is him but it isnt.

I said once and for all is over and he threatened
Suicide. Sat (detail removed by moderator) having panic attack then said he has planned how he would do it, the letter he will leave. I said what about our kids? So selfish. He said(detail removed by moderator), if we arent all together he has nothing to live for. He was crying and just kept saying he was very suicidal been thinking (detail removed by moderator). I had to pick kids up and was worried how id find him but actually deep down know it is an act. I said ill call for help and he said no dont dare (detail removed by moderator)! I had to say id try again with him as he just kept going on and i had work to do. (Detail removed by moderator) he shouted at me and said he would tell my boss and colleagues i had an affair. I had an emotional one not physical. I begged him not to. He later said he was sorry he was just angry and confused at how i treated him.

I have two friends who have got out and so happy now i keep speaking to them too.

He refuses to leave. What can i do? Have solicitor call (detail removed by moderator). Thank you for reading xx

[maddog]

The thing is, all this suicidal ideation started long before your time. He would be threatening the same thing to any partner and it’s not personal. If he’s feeling like killing himself, he needs professional help. You have been his partner and you’re not his shrink or therapist.

It’s a total lie that he’s got nothing to live for without you and the kids. My ex used to do the same. What he wants is supply like a drug addict, and he’s not liking that you’ve stopped giving him what he needs. Well done!!

Please speak to Women’s Aid.

His refusal of help is a massive red flag that he wants to control you. You can only look after yourself and you have no control whatsoever over him. So many abusers threaten to kill themselves, and fall very quickly into the arms of another victim. Whatever their path, it’s not your fault. You and your children will only be better off going no contact and leaving them to sort it out for themselves.

It’s not a crime to have an affair. Ultimately it’s not relevant. This threatening behaviour is to shame you into staying.

You’re doing so well to distance yourself from your abuser. Please keep posting and get real life support to help you escape safely from this tangled web. My ex refused to leave until he was advised by the police to go or face arrest. Abusers become at their most manipulative and dangerous when they realise the game’s up. Please don’t be afraid to speak to the police or dial 999 if you feel in immediate danger.

Abusers are little boys in adult bodies. For many of them something happened way back when and they are trapped in the mind of a small child. They’re not worth arguing or engaging with after a lifetime of practice. Lying and manipulation are the only things they truly understand.

There should be a Domestic Abuse team on 101 who should be able to guide you towards appropriate help and support for you and your family. They’re independent of the police.

[Featheredge]

I’ve just read your story and it’s likey own. I left (detail removed by Moderator) ago and keep being told his life is not worth living without me. He married for life. He knows when we said our vows we meant it, he knows we have a different relationship to anyone else and can get through. Since I’ve left he has changed so much in terms of what he does in the house, cooking from scratch for the kids before rarely cooked anything, shopping cleaning all the things you would need to do being the only adult. He also says he will change and won’t go to the pub, obviously in lockdown he can’t go so how do I know! He says he is a sad old man with no day of happiness since he lost his one true love. I deeply care, I feel I still love him but honestly when I’m on my own yes I feel lost sometimes but there is no anxiety or worry about what time or what state he will come in or me doing everything for my kids as he never did it before. What did you do? Did you stay? I’m torn, I don’t know whether to go back and money is tough as we have never sorted anything! The only thing I did was take my wedding ring off! I feel so sad today, he wants me to pop over (detail removed by Moderator) to watch (detail removed by Moderator). He wants to see me to give me my rent to pay, even tho times are tough he has worked hard to get me enough to cover despite (detail removed by Moderator) this month. I’m mixed up I’m a mess and I feel so so indecisive and sad.

[Trueblue]

Sorry just seen this! I was frantically scrolling through when i had time.
I am right where you are. Just keep reading and talking on here or to friends. I just keep talking and thinking. It is an act, how long can they keep it up?
Did you go see him? Im very much same as you, feel sorry for him, want it all to work. Well as all us ladies are, we just want a happy life and are true optimists. BUT if you have broken free just stick with it. You are doing so well. The no anxiety, just doing what you want to do. Bliss.

He is being upbeat and attentive and helping with the kids etc but i just know it wont last.

Stay in touch, hope you are ok? I just dont know how to get out. Xx

[Trueblue]

Thank you so much maddog! Just got constant anxiety! He is being all smiles and making lunch today as i gave in and said id try as was worried about his suicide. He is self isolating and here (detail removed by moderator) and need to fill out solicitor forms. Domestic abuse team 101 sounds great i will try call as he is out back.

I just want to be free. Feel held hostage here. Will keep posting until he is gone or most likely we are free. Thanks x

[KIP.]

I remember the days when I tried to end the relationship and he would threaten suicide and beg and cry and plead. Like a giant toddler tantrum. Then when I caved in I was left feeling desperate and sad and he would be skipping round the house smiling. How can you go from suicidal to skipping around like you’ve won the lottery in five minutes, it’s just a huge big manipulation. Don’t discuss it with him again. Plan your escape secretly or plan to have him removed secretly. No point in discussing it with him. He won’t ever give you what you want so you need to just take it for yourself.

[gettingtired]

‘From suicidal to skipping around like you’ve won the lottery in 5 minutes’ Sorry but this made me laugh out loud 🤣🤣
Mine has threatened it in the past. Said things along the lines of how the police will have to break down the door, how I’ll have to live knowing I didn’t care blah blah. Then one time when I asked him if I needed to call for help he went ballistic!
It seems to be a running theme on the forum of these men threatening suicide x

[Trueblue]

Haha that’s exactly it, just absolute masters of manipulation and great actors!

[gettingtired]

It’s terrible but sometimes you actually have to laugh at how ridiculous it is! x

[Anonymous]

Trueblue, I lost a partner to suicide years ago and it made me sensitive to threats of it over the following years.
It took me a long time to realise that ultimately we are all responsible for our own actions including suicidal ones. Using it as a blackmail tool is a tactic used by abusers. I have found that asking police for a safe and well check covers you and helps deter them. They want your undivided attention the last thing they want is police involvement. You could also ask for a mental health assessment.

[Empoweredhealing]

Threatening suicide is a very wide spread tactic of abusers. My ex threatened it only months into our relationship. So it can happen weeks, months, years, decades of being with them. It’s a last grasp for them. One last trump card.
But I would report his threats. If he’s not serious, then it sends a message that you won’t be trap by his manipulation any more. If he’s serious, then the police/agencies have procedures for how to deal with it.
You are not responsible for his mental health. You never were.

[Trueblue]

Thanks ladies! Yes, KIP he is all fine now, cracking open wine as im having a drink and he is all smiles trying to join in. I must remember is all an act. Got so far now. Years ago i had no idea it was abuse, just felt something wasnt right. KiP you have been there for me for years. Im almost free. Shall i leave? He wont go. But where do i go? Xx

[Trueblue]

He is fine today as i said ok fine i will try again just due to the pressure he was putting me under. Just constant pressure. But i cant wait to be free xx

[KIP.]

You start a plan. Talk secretly to womens aid who took me to the local housing department to look at their availability as a victim of abuse. You’re a priority as a victim, There’s help out there. You need to reach out but don’t let him know. There are also refuges as a last resort. Can you afford a deposit to rent somewhere. I stayed because my ex was arrested and bailed which gave me the space I needed to sort my head out. It made me sick to see him all smiles when he’s just abused me whereas in the past I’d be the one comforting him after an abusive episode. Took me decades to work it out and only with the help of women’s aid and knowledge x stay safe. He’s only happy because he got what he wants. Pure manipulation. Not a care for your feelings. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who clearly isn’t happy and doesn’t want to be with me but that means nothing to these monsters. Devoid of feelings and empathy x don’t sacrifice any more of your life to this x from little seeds, big trees grow. Decide what you want. Imagine a path to that life and don’t stray from the path x

[Trueblue]

Thanks so much KIP, you have been on this journey with me for a long time, i remember you from before and you have helped me all this way. I had no idea i could look into housing as a victim. I feel stuck as he wont go and just manipulates me more but i know it is the right thing to do for me and kids sake.
Yep it is odd, he can tell i dont love him but he continues to love bomb and wont give me space. I keep thinking i can ask him to leave like a normal person and then remember no, he wont just go! Just stuck. But will take small steps, will ring womens aid tomorrow. I spoke to solicitor she was very supportive and gave me options for housing, feel empowered. Just need to do it.

Xx

[KIP.]

Wow that’s fantastic. Just keep taking those baby steps and you will get there eventually at your own pace and safely x

[ISOPeace]

Trueblue you’ve had some really insightful comments here. I would also add that, even though I’m sure the suicide threats are very difficult to ignore, IF he is serious (which I doubt given how manipulative abusers are) he is basically saying: I think it’s reasonable to expect you and the children to sacrifice your happiness, health, wellbeing and quality of life because I can’t bear the thought of not being able to manipulate and control you. In fact, I’m so desperate to manipulate and control that I’m pulling out the biggest tool in my arsenal.

Like others have said, it is not your responsibility. Even if he hadn’t made your life hell you would have the right to leave. If you feel guilty (not that you need to) you can do what you need to do in the least upsetting way for him – BUT I do not mean in any way put his needs before yours. I mean along the lines of in, say an email to him after you’ve left rather than saying “you’re a total b*****d. I hope you rot in hell” you could say “I’m not prepared to tolerate this treatment any more”.

I 100% agree that you should keep your plan to.leave secret. My husband has noticed a shift in me since I decided I was (hopefully!) leaving soon. It’s just upping the ante to try to regain control. And look how perfectly your husband thinks the threat worked. Thankfully you have your eyes open and are asking the right questions on this forum so his game hasn’t really worked. Let him find out when you’re gone.

Sending love xxxx

[Trueblue]

Thank you 🙂 yes some fantastic advice. I keep talking to friends as well, just found out two were in similar situation in past and had no idea. It makes me feel very vulnerable but i am feeling stronger each day.

Yes think you are right. We cant split like normal folk unfortunately…i just get talked bavk into it. (detail removed by Moderator) times now in past month ive politely asked him to go, said i need space, not working, it is over. He wont accept it and begs me to try for our marriage and kids. I clearly have no voice. My friend described it perfectly: he makes uni lateral decisions for you…yes! Ive always been a people pleaser and this is my time to grow. I have to think what do i want? I usually say i dont know but in actual fact i do, om just scared of going through with it.
He has made me so anxious and worn out that i am worried i cant cope with kids on my own but i am sure i can. He doesnt help much anyway.

Let me know what you do ISOpeace. I will keep you posted. I just feel stuck and tired and sick. Much love too x*x

[Hetty]

It took me a long time to get myself to a place where I could leave. I spoke with my local domestic abuse service and started to explore different options. Leave no stone unturned. I spoke with the council, viewed private properties to rent and sought financial advice. I knew I’d never get my ex out of our home. I decluttered and organised my stuff so that when the time came to leave (even though I didn’t know when that would be) I knew where my important stuff was and what I needed to take. I did all of this without my ex knowing. I even used clare’s law to find out about my ex and any potential risks I was unaware of. All the while I appeased my ex so that he didn’t suspect. He knew I was unhappy but never thought I had the guts to leave. Getting organised and taking small steps like organising my things kept me feeling like I was moving forward even when I felt trapped. You just have to be careful that they don’t notice too much of a shift and become suspicious. I got the opportunity of a place to stay and it took one more abusive rage and I just thought this is it, now or never. I’m now happy in a calm and peaceful home. I very rarely miss him.
My ex said he was suicidal, couldn’t live without me but is managing perfectly well sitting snug in our home. X*x

[Trueblue]

Thanks Hetty, this is good. I feel guilty about pretending to be normal when i know i dont want to be here but this isnt a normal break up. So have to get everything ready in background. Oh god i know, love the house probably more than me. I guess i’ll have to be the one to go. Must be brave xx

[Hetty]

I felt ill with guilt. Especially when he was playing mr nice. In some ways I was glad when the monster returned cos it kept me focused. It’s not a normal break up. I feel like I’ve been trying to prise the devil from my back. In the past when I’ve tried to end things (before we lived together) he’d pester me constantly and of course I’d listen and be hooked back in with gaslighting and love bombing. Once you’re awake to these abusive tactics it makes it easier to detach. I’ve had no real contact with me ex. I haven’t seen him or spoken on the phone but have had to keep some form of email and texting to sort some stuff out. It’s been hard not to get sucked in but with perseverance he’s got the message and is probably onto his next victim.
My ex hadn’t let me take some stuff I wanted claiming it’s sentimental. Load of c**p. He’s greedy and selfish. In the end it’s just stuff as far as I’m concerned. He can have it and continue to live a shallow and dysfunctional life. I’ve found great empowerment and freedom in actually owning less. And of course freedom is priceless. We have one short and precious life. Let us not waste another minute on these soul suckers 🤗

[True2myself]

My husband also threatens suicide and he tells me he will do it on special days like Christmas Day. He also cares about things like house/car/family. But from what I hear from him the car and house come first. He wears his wedding ring says it means something to him 😳. He’s sold my original wedding ring and he’s replaced it about (detail removed by Moderator) times and they are all sold too. I don’t have any now.
It’s strange how they want it all but abuse it and expect us to want it all too. He also says things like he’s not going. And he will make my life terrible if I leave

[Author]

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