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I’m having a really bad day. In fact, it’s been a bad weekend. Today my husband told me that I should put a gun to my face and that he wants me to kill myself, but he would prefer I don’t leave a mess in the house for him to clean up. He said he wanted me to know that he would not be sad or care and would get over it quickly and that the only inconvenience to him if I killed myself would be the mess on the carpet. He said this because today and yesterday I have been depressed and barely hanging on. I thought everything was good in our life and between us. He hasn’t hit me since (detail removed by moderator), when he broke my nose and has actually been pretty good to me the last few months and telling me how much he loves me and that my confusion and ambivalence about him hurts him and our relationship. And he asked me to give him the benefit of the doubt that he’s not out to hurt me and I started to open up to him again because this time it seemed like more than empty words. He backed them up with actions. He treated me differently and he seemed to think differently and to have a different attitude. But yesterday morning, in bed, he went off the rails again. I had taken Friday off work to visit my best friend and her husband while she was on vacation (I have barely seen them this year because of all the stuff going on between my husband and me) and he said that any mention of friend and husband’s names makes him “feel weird.” I knew what was coming and it did. He screamed till his face was read and he grabbed me and shoved me down on the bed.
My doctor had diagnosed me over a year ago with PTSD, which just got worse after he broke my nose. I would vacillate between despair and then just when it felt like the despair had completely engulfed me and I was really ready to put my gun to my head and end it, I would be overcome with a sudden intense rage. I was angry at everyone and everything. Any little thing, things that shouldn’t matter, and I would go to my car and scream and scream until I just lost it and I would cry until my body hurt too much to cry anymore. But it was getting better! After months of him treating me humanely, and my doing a whole lot of yoga and different relation exercises, and us having some talks when he genuinely seemed to care about my well being, I started to get better. We started to plan our future – money, goals, etc, and I stopped thinking about what he had done to me and I just thought about this life we were building together. We started to have fun together again. My sex drive started to come back. I saw him as a person again, a person who love me and who I could trust. But as soon as he grabbed me yesterday, I was back in that pit of despair in an instant. He said he was sorry and that he was ashamed and that he would fix what he could (he threw my coffee cup across the room and broke it) and I believed him. He said he understood how deeply he had hurt me. He just still had some stuff to deal with. He thought it was all dealt with, but clearly he had more work to do. I believed him in my head, but I couldn’t seem to crawl back out of the pit. Yesterday and today I just kept randomly breaking into sobs or I would just zone out. Today I was crying and he told me I should just put a gun to my face. I don’t know what else to say. I don’t need advice. I’m just exhausted and I feel so alone. So deeply deeply alone and I just needed to reach out and get this off my chest so I can sleep, I just need to feel not alone enough to sleep. Thank you for listening. -
hey hun
sending a hug out to u , what a f t**t first, doesnt matetr if u r feeling down , u never need to do that, how about he leaves if he cant handle living with u, reach out for support from your gp, what he said is totally out of order and can only imagine how much that hurt , get a away fromm this guy, he is messing with your head.call the help line to see where u can get support
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Hiya, sending you lots of love and support. What you’ve written is absolutely heart breaking. No one deserves to be treated that way.
Don’t minimise his behaviour, none of this is ok. Even if he didn’t hit you ‘this time’s all those horrible words are unacceptable.
I hope you find the courage to throw him out or leave yourself. Reach out for support. Call the helpline, your GP. Be honest with them. You’re PTSD won’t get any better with him around.
Wishing you all the best xx
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Dear dear Grainne, sending you hugs and comfort in your despair.
His ‘lure’ to get you back has been extremely convincing and has thrown you back miles in terms of your PTSD.
It’s time to shut out the vicious cruelty he throws at you. Block it, don’t let another single word through. It sounds as if he is extremely unstable right now and you need to take great care to keep safe, all this talk of guns.
Can you go stay with someone? Get away for the night and rethink things in the morning?
Keep posting and letting it all out.
Warmest wishes ts
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Grainne, darling, he says your ambivalence and confusion about him hurts HIM and your relationship. Think a moment about where this confusion originates… Yes – it’s from his behaviour, switching from nice to nasty and back again, from loving talk to vile abuse, from gentleness to violence. Who wouldn’t be confused? Who wouldn’t be ambivalent? If you’re walking on eggshells, how can you be consistent in the face of these rapid switches? Now he tries to wrap the problem up and hand it to you, but it’s his problem!
He says he clearly has work still to do. Too right he has! But is he actually doing the work? Has he got a good counsellor who understands that he is a violent perpetrator of intimate partner abuse and is he working with that person at least once a week, every week? Or is his idea of ‘working’ on his issues just letting time drift by on the hope that you will forget what’s happened and treat every outburst as a one-off? He won’t change without commitment to spending serious amounts of time with a professional and you don’t mention whether this is happening. If it isn’t, he isn’t changing and he doesn’t intend to, either. If he is, the counsellor/therapist should be involving you in the process, too. I had regular phonecalls from his therapist checking how I was perceiving things and whether I thought there was progress.
Did he face any consequences as a result of breaking your nose or did you cover for him? If he got away with that scotfree, he has learned that he can get away with extreme violence without repurcussions and that’s not a good place for you to be. If there has been no police involvement, it might be time to call the non-emergency number and report what’s going on, ideally before he hurts you again. Longe term, is it time to be secretly planning your exit? I think it might be.
Finally, this talk of gins is really scary! Is there an actual gun in the house? If there is, I’d be inclined to turn it in to the police. Things could go badly wrong very quickly and a weapon like that escalates the chance of a fatality like nothing else.
Your safety has to come first, Grainne, and he isn’t securing it, is he?
Flower x
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