He wants a child being pressured

[Rainbowcloud]

I already have children from previous we have been together a few years now and I recently got promoted at my current job he already hates my job as we have our own business so wants me to focus on the business full time.
He keeps mentioning having a baby I used to want one I’ve gone back and forth with the idea of it but when he’s being abusive it’s the worse thought ever. He’s really piling on the pressure lately I pretended I went to the doctors to have my birth control removed I know deep down it’s a bad idea because I would of done it before now not left it over (Detail removed by Moderator) years.
I had to lie and say I got it all sorted I feel so bad for lying but I’m tied to him forever if I do it.
He’s being nice now and so lovely but he will switch again he always does I don’t know why he has become desperate for a child the last few weeks

[White Rose]

He may want a child but you may not be able to give him one. It doesn’t always work out the way people want it. Lots of reasons why… natural inability to conceive a child together or a little bit of medical intervention still in place.
Don’t feel pressured but do keep safe xx

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why he has become desperate for a child the last few weeks

Because having a child with him will keep you bonded to him for the next 20+ years and possibly for the rest of your child’s life. You will be on hand to give fuel to your abuser for as long as he deems it necessary.

If you have to lie tell him to keep yourself and to keep any child you might have in the future safe then, so long as you remain in the relationship, you’re going to have to get your head around lying to him.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, I pressed send too soon. Could the reason he’s become desperate recently have something to do with him picking up on your dissatisfaction with the relationship? Have you made noises about leaving? Have you been challenging him on his behaviour?

[everythingwillworkout]

You’re not lying to him, you’re being honest with yourself – if that makes any sense. If an abuser doesn’t accept our no, then we have no choice but to sometimes pretend the no is a yes to preserve your sanity and your honesty with yourself and your right to do what you want with your life and your body. Because it is your life and your body and he has no right to try to monopolise it. We need to lie to keep ourselves safe and sane and to protect what is ours, they don’t give us a choice. I lied to my ex before I left, “why is all of your stuff sitting in a suitcase in our bedroom?” “because it’s easier for me to keep everything there.” (lie, it was because I was leaving). They give us nothing and taking everything, we don’t owe them honesty, we don’t owe them anything – that’s how we are gonna survive.

[Rainbowcloud]

Your answer is perfect I’m being honest to myself I feel a bit better now.
I’m not sure he hates my job and my new promotion has rattled him because he tells me I have to leave constantly but then I ask how am I going to pay my bills as he gives me hardly any money the bare amount and he has no answer he detests my job but also does not want me relying on him for handouts on the other hand because he values money above everything. He had a go this morning because my youngest son (Detail removed by Moderator)and I didn’t tell him off enough well I’m my eyes it was a minor offence and he went on and on about how he’s going to discipline our child and I will have no say etc.
he’s stormed out now because I lost something very minor and he’s sick of me and my ways cp we go on holiday (Detail removed by Moderator) I’m dreading it really bad I know what it will be like wish he didn’t come back. The baby is just a smoke screen to keep me bonded forever

[everythingwillworkout]

Hi rainbow cloud, really sorry to hear how he has been treating you. I bet that your promotion is a threat because it’s a big boost to your independence and confidence (congrats by the way :)). I think when we are with absusers, one of the most important things we can do for ourselves is to stay in touch with all the things that make us who we are and give us an identity outside of our abusive relationship – like listening to our true self – whether that’s doing what it takes to ensure that we protect our right to decide whether we want a baby or not, or keeping our jobs, or doing a hobby we enjoy. They want to monopolise and take everything from us so that we are just there to serve them.

I’m sorry that he yelled at you and presumes he knows best about how to discipline your son – reminds me of my ex, mr know it all.

I remember dreading going away with my ex, really hoping you get some small moments of peace and freedom for yourself when you are away with him x

[freedomtochoose]

Yes, Rainbowcloud and that is a horrible, horrible thing to be doing.
Everything will work out I liked your answer and it was helpful for me.
Somehow since I left a part of me has felt like I am no longer an honest, decent person with integrity.
And so I need to work on this, I think it bothered me that I had to lie to save myself and child,
and your post helps me. Thanks
ftc
x

[everythingwillworkout]

Nice to hear that my reply was a bit comforting :).

I think morality is about keeping something safe, sometimes that is trust with someone we care about and sometimes it is about doing the right thing by you – the thing you need to do to survive.

I understand what you are saying about feeling like you are no longer an honest, decent person and that can cut really deep if you value that a lot freetochoose. I relate to that too. I had an emotional affair when I was with my ex, at the time, I was still very young (a teenager/young adult) but it is something I still carry so much shame with me for. I am honest with all my partners about it because I think honesty is important because it gives the other person the freedom to choose based on the full facts of the situation (but we only owe it to people who give us the same freedom to act and be as we wish). My very kind ex said to me, “If we think about morality in terms of the harm it causes, then do you think your actions caused harm?” I honestly replied, “Not really, I think my ex saw me as an object, a piece of property and that isn’t something that can cause you ‘hurt'” and he said, “Ok, then it’s not something you should feel bad about.” We also agreed that I did it to survive, kindness, respect and being seen and validated as a human being helped me leave, could have stopped me from being murdered, and if I had stayed gone, it would have stopped me from being assaulted. The guilt I carry from this is something I beat myself up for everyday, but I know that it helped me leave someone who was abusing me. My friend once said, “there was no relationship to ‘step out on’, just a parasitic force that was killing me.” In the same sense, I don’t think there was anyone to lie to. They purposefully erase our humanity and dehumanise us so they don’t feel guilty about abusing us, but in doing so I think they erase their own – we don’t owe them the same kind of respect that we would give to anyone else.

I think if we accept the idea that there is a global morality, a set of rights and wrongs in every situation, it is very easy to get down on ourselves and feel guilty and shameful for not living up to our own standards of right or wrong. But sometimes the ‘bad’ action (as judged by society in certain cases) is the very thing that will keep us safe and acts as a lifejacket, keeping us afloat and getting us to safety.

In N**i Germany, people who helped hide vulnerable groups being round up for the concentration camps could see the inherent wisdom in the idea that morality is fluid and that lying could help keep other people safe. Would you lie to protect someone else from harm? If the answer is yes, then why are you not worth the same?

[freedomtochoose]

THank you so much, realise that this was a bit off topic perhaps.
all best
ftc
x

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