29th January 2016 at 11:39 am #8563
Having had little contact with my ex since I moved out a while ago (helped by a non molestation order) he now wants to move forward and discuss finances etc reasonably (for the sake of the kids). When I speak to him everything he says makes perfect sense but I still can’t even after all this time away from him recovering can’t stand up to him and say no. Last night I called the kids and he spoke to me afterwards and wants to meet next week in a pub to discuss finances, house etc. He thinks if we can agree these things together then it will save court fees but as far as I am concerned we have already discussed these a number of times via mediation etc and have not moved forward (I want to sell the house – he wants to keep it). to start with he said lets meet with parents so we can discuss but by the end of the call it had turned into just me and him (with maybe a parent on another table). Should I meet to try and move forward to show willing – for the sake of my children or should I stay well away? Advice please!!!
29th January 2016 at 1:48 pm #8568
This is a tricky one cause u will be under pressure if u still cant say no to him and you say mediation hasnt work, i wopuld only meet up in a public place if u sre strong enough to walk away if things dont go on his terms, i have been in that situation where ex family terrograted me about financial situation and tried to come to a solution,i thank my lucky stars i knew in my head what i wanted , i went and listen to what they proposed, kept my cards close to my heart and acted as if i was there to coem up with a solution, my aim was just to work out what they were up to which as i gathered was not to give me anything, i listened to what they said and when they wouldnt listen to me i walked away saying we r going to have to agree to disagree, take slot of strength and courage to walk away, have met ex and tried to discuss things reasonable but conversation led to about how i should give him a chance, so i guess im telling u even if u meet, u will not come to agreement but will be aware of how his thinking and cant emphaize enough only meet if u can walk away with out agreeing to what he is pressurizing u from, when i met i must of said no, no, no thousand of time, they will try to weaken u ,if u can take some one with u
29th January 2016 at 2:14 pm #8574
Thanks confused123 – I have been worrying about it all day today so I think I will have to say no I don’t want to meet as it doesn’t feel right – the problem is he is so manipulative which is why I ultimately why stayed with his for longer than I should have but he also makes things sound so logical at the time like on the phone last night – I want to sell the former family house and in mind that is my only option so that we can pay off our joint debts and move on with our lives – his view is that we shouldn’t ‘destroy’ one another and we need to keep on to the property as it is in the best interests of the children and either he continues to live in it or we rent it out (not even sure if this is feasible). I am still finding it so hard to stand up to him and everytime he gets in contact I just buckle – I thought I was a bit stronger now (I even told him that on the phone last night) but obviously I am not as strong as I thought! Just so wanted to ‘work together’ for the children but feel so sad that this will never be possible.
Emailed my mum earlier for some advice and she said not to go so I may email him this afternoon to let him know.
Thank you so much for your advice today – it is really helpful -and if I do go I will definitely take someone with me. Hope you are OK x
29th January 2016 at 2:30 pm #8576White RoseParticipant
I think saying no is probably best because I you didn’t agree through mediation what has changed to make him think you can agree now.
If you can face could it be worth a try? – it’s cheaper than solicitors or mediation but I doubt he’s on the same page as you. If you decide to meet do not go alone. Also pubs are not places to discuss finances they’re places to socialise with friends…..
If he’s anything like other abusers this will be another opportunity to manipulate. Might be better to say “thanks but lets go back to mediation as it will be better and easier for both of us” see how he reacts to that. Good luck xx
29th January 2016 at 3:44 pm #8578
Thank you White Rose – sent him an email stating that I did not want to meet up face to face to discuss finances. It hasn’t gone down well and I have had three emails in a short space of time – making out that I am not thinking of my children, and I am going to destroy us all financially etc etc. He has really turned on the guilt trip. I am not surprised but cross that he always expect me to compromise but he will never compromise – even now – especially after none of this was my doing in the first place! He is pushing for a meeting still (said I can bring someone – how generous) or a telephone call but they are as bad – once you get caught with him he talks at you for hours on end – never seems to get bored of his own voice! Thanks for your message x
29th January 2016 at 4:03 pm #8581
Omg i was just going to email u to say thats how’d he prob react if u say no, dont feel guilty about anything u r trying to be reasonable and he yet once again when has not got his way is saying u r the one been selfish, so please dont doubt yourself, give it a few days he will be Mr calm again and trying again. Since u two email each another, when he has clamed down say how about we email each aother proposals, watch again he will say no needs to be done face to face, stay firm and strong and welldone for taking advice and asking for it
29th January 2016 at 4:03 pm #8582mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi New Life – how are you doing today?
Oh I know just what you are going through, I am a couple of years down the line, and I STILL find it hard to say no to him about ANYTHING. So I’m not maybe the best one to be offering you advice!!!
We have not moved on very far with things, as I am not ready to divorce him yet, we haven’t sold the house because he wants to keep it (I don’t want it, too many bad memories) but he can’t afford to pay me my share of the house at the moment so I have said I’ll wait, we halved the money in the bank the first week, and I just let him keep everything in the house (as at the time I was in furnished accommodation) – but the only thing we had to sort out that was a bit of a problem was maintenance, and we did use mediation for that – and it worked OK for us, we came to an arrangement and it was fine.
But anything that comes up – and even though I dont want to do it or don’t agree with what he wants to do – I still find myself saying yes – too sacared to break the habits of a lifetime….
If you may have seen my post “you’ll never guess what he’s done now” (a couple of weeks back) and in it I came upon the problem of him suddenly wanting to attend parents night – having never been to one for years before we left, or indeed in the years since!!!
Well he took me by surprise, and I couldn’t say no even though neither me nor my son wanted him there.
Even now years down the line I still can’t say no to that man!!!
I don’t think meeting him in the pub will help any – it does not matter where you are, he will still pressurise you in to doing what HE wants – don’t trust him – they very rarely want what’s ‘fair’ they only ever wants what’s best FOR THEM!!!!
Buy hey who am I to talk I can’t even follow my own advice!!!!
If you DO go to the pub take someone with you, someone who’s not affraid of him, someone who WILL speak up for you, and WILL stand up to him….
He knows he has still got you ‘jumping through hoops’ – if you feel strong enough try and take a small stand against him – and just say NO Im not meeting you at the pub – its got to be mediation OR courts – you know what he’ll go for then!!!
But I know only too well, this is much easier said than done!!!!
GOOD LUCK!!!! 🙂 x*x 🙂
29th January 2016 at 4:21 pm #8586
It is so hard isn’t it – I was feeling anxious about it all night and when I woke up this morning so I feel proud of myself that I have stood up to him and said no – if he keeps pushing I can suggest going back to mediation although that didn’t work out last time and wouldn’t again as he will refuse to sell up without being forced too as he is in the former house (and I am the one in a small rental property!).
When I left I also left pretty much all my belongings – not worried about those but I do want the house gone so I can draw a line under that part of my life and my ‘pretend’ marriage!
Hating not having the non-mol in place so just a period of adjustment now I guess as he seems to be slowly creeping in to my life again now that he can! Just need to constantly remind him that I am not the same person I was last year as he had pretty much ruined me.
Well done all of you for the fantastic progress you are all making – it is a slow journey but we will get there in the end. Try to have nice weekends x
29th January 2016 at 11:14 pm #8604AyannaParticipant
Hi, well done for saying NO !!!!
Now is your time and you need to do what you want for yourself.
Do not worry if he does not agree. If you want to sell the house, do it. He will receive a share anyway. The one who will be ruined is not the ‘US’ as he puts it, it will be him ! 🙂 🙂
And you know why? Because you are stronger than him and you make the decisions that are good for you. Do not let him change your mind. Stick to your guns and do what feels right for you!
Forget about him. He does not matter. Only you matter!
The court will probably support the sale as the most reasonable decision. 🙂 xxxxx
30th January 2016 at 12:05 pm #8627myfairyqueenParticipant
Good for you! He is trying to show he has changed and wants you to see that. It’s all a trick, I’m sure of it. The only way I would agree to it would be through a mediator an even then you don’t have to be in a session, they can do it one at time.
30th January 2016 at 12:43 pm #8632
Thank you all for your fantastic support as always – I know I am doing the right thing in my heart – just want a clean break – but why do I feel soooooooooo guilty?! So wish I didn’t x
1st February 2016 at 10:59 am #8778
Its just he way our brain has been trained not to go against them, they not our problem, focus on retraining your brain , everytime u feel guilty post on here, we will reassure u
1st February 2016 at 1:12 pm #8796
Thank you hun – I have already had a number of emails this morning still pushing to meet up – wants to work together, bring anyone I want along etc. I have asked him to put stuff in writing about the house, finances etc so I can consider but he is adamant that we need to meet……struggling to stay strong as he is coming across as quite reasonable at the moment! x
1st February 2016 at 2:15 pm #8799mixed-up mumParticipant
Hi again – well he’s persistent isn’t he!!!!
Mmmmmmmmmmm I dunno what to say to you – its only YOU who knows him best – do YOU think he genuinely wants to ‘work together’ or IS HE still just wanting to call the shots, and get things his own way??
If you’re not sure about it or if you want to assert yourself and stand up to him then just stand firm and say no I’m NOT meeting with you – put it in writing.
Has he refused to try mediation again?
If he has then maybe your only alternative is to say right our only option is to do it through the courts – then he will have no option but do what is right and fair.
But as I say its YOU who knows him best……
1st February 2016 at 5:33 pm #8812martian29Participant
Hi newlife 2015, I would refuse to meet him. My ex wanted to meet up with me at a pub with our kids to discuss finances but I refused and said no to him. He only wants to offer (without going into too much detail) options that involve him being in total control over property and money, therefore still in control of the children and I. He has offered nothing financially since I left him towards his children except for some maintenance and he has properties and earns a really good wage while we live in damp, cramped conditions.
I tried mediation but it didn’t work. He sat smugly, patronizing me and trying to collude with the mediator against me. I had the feeling that she was siding with him and looking down her nose at me as he comes across as so eloquent, well spoken and educated and I have a strong accent, it made me feel so small and worthless. It is not an experience I would ever want to repeat. I was so nervous being in the same room as him, I could barely write my signature as my hands were shaking so badly. He spent the whole time looking at me with anger, making me feel threatened and I could barely get my words out properly.
I had hoped that he would offer something for our children if he had any love for them at all, to save the large expense of having to get a solicitor but no such luck. All he cares about is having control over all his money and keeping it all to himself even above his own children. Now I have the added stress of trying to find a solicitor who understands domestic abuse. I have seen a couple so far, and felt they didn’t fully understand the situation. I have never asked him for anything since I left and he has never offered at times when he knew we were struggling financially.
If your ex is anything like mine, I would not meet him as it is likely he will use the meeting as an excuse to intimidate and patronize you into getting you to agree to what he wants. I know it is a lot of expense, but taking him through the courts is probably better. I wish you luck whatever you decide to do and sorry for rambling about my situation. XX
2nd February 2016 at 10:38 am #8868
Thank you all so much all for taking the time to write your thoughts down – I am still undecided but will keep you all posted – he certainly is very persistent – always has been – that is his ‘technique’ – wears you down till you get so exhausted it is easier to agree with him! Unfortunately my solicitor is encouraging me to meet him – set some ground rules for the meeting and take people along and see if I can get anything agreed. I will keep you posted.
Have a good day all – take care x*x
2nd February 2016 at 12:02 pm #8879
HIs wearing u down already, any contact with them messes with our head, u said mediation didnt help, thats what your solicitors there for, do u really think he will agree to something that u benefit at, even if he does he wont follow it out , I would love to sit with my ex and sort out but he will end up discusing how we should give it another chance, talk about how i left him in debt and just be in my head, i spoke to my ex on news years eve cause my son turn up at his, its just give them an excuse to be in our lives again , u dont want that hun, deep down i think u know nothing positive will come out of this meeting, leave it to solicitors hun , sometimes we r just desperate for an excuse to try make it owrk , its not us being unreasonable , why r we in this scenario today cause they thought they could treat us like s**t and it would all be ok, well its not ok , keep away if his so focused on being sensible email each another proposed solutions that u can discuss with solicitor , u dont have to be face to face
2nd February 2016 at 1:22 pm #8892
Thanks Confused123 – He really is – now arguing over who is coming with me! I have just said if we can’t agree on that we are hardly going to reach any sensible solutions if we meet! He wants to talk with me (but doesn’t want them involved in the conversation/at the same table so that would be a complete no from me anyhow!
11th February 2016 at 9:27 am #9516
Shouldn’t have bothered! Discussions on the night went Ok but he is back to his bully boy tactics now because I am not agreeing to his requests straight away – he is basically after money. Feel like he is back in my head again – wish I had the non-molestation order as contact was so limited – feel like I am on a slippery slope downwards at the moment and haven’t got the energy to keep on fighting him – and I need to get my strength back. Also feel stupid that, yet again, I believed that he may have changed and realised the error of his ways but no! Why do I always think the best of him – know it is wrong every time!
11th February 2016 at 4:29 pm #9545
ITs not u hun, its just part of our caring nature, just accept he cant change and any contact with them just makes them think they have the right to communciate with us again, let solicitors deal with him hun
11th February 2016 at 9:21 pm #9552AyannaParticipant
After domestic abuse meditation cannot be forced on the victim. Let the court decide. You can speak in court, you can refuse and disagree. You can insist on your viewpoints. You do not need to accept anything what you do not want. There may be more hearings, but you can fight for yourself in court.
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