He was living a double life

[Weemebreeze]

Hi everyone,

I’ve been free for a short while and building myself up bit by bit but it’s so hard. I suffered physical and emotional abuse, the final straw was a violent attack. I walked out and haven’t seen him since. Changed my number and going no contact except through solicitor. Immediately after I left, he was in a serious relationship and moved the woman into our house. He’s proceeded to torment me in numerous ways since then but I’ve not risen to any of it – he’s got no reaction at all from me (even though privately it’s been killing me, complete torture). The thing is, I had no idea who this woman is that’s living in my house . I found out today he’s known her for a long long time and has a child with her! He said nothing. Nothing at all about her or child. We were engaged to be married. I thank god that I never went ahead with the wedding and thar I’m free and safe. But it hurts so bad to think he was having an affair the whole time and lied and deceived me whilst abusing me. It’s brutal. I can’t get my head around how he could be living two lives….

[KIP.]

Hi, I just wanted to respond to let you know it happened to me too. Only my idiot was also married to this other woman so you’re not alone and it’s absolutely no reflection on you. Well done for staying zero contact. That’s the worse thing from his point of view because he cannot bathe in your pain. So stick to zero contact. You will recover from this. He however will always be a selfish lying dysfunctional abuser and pity his partner and child but you’re free now and that took guts x

[Weemebreeze]

Thank you so much – your message means an awful lot. I burst out crying reading it. ❤️ I’m so sorry to hear you went through similar – these men are vile, their behaviour makes me feel physically sick. You’re right and I see it clearly – they’re selfish lying dysfunctional abusers. Zero contact is so hard when I want to scream and tell him how much I despise him but I know he’ll enjoy that so instead – silence is golden. Thank you again for replying x

[Wants To Help]

Hi Weemebreeze,

So sorry to read what has happened to you (and KIP too.)

I can only imagine how hard this must be for you to try and understand, but I don’t think there is anything to really ‘understand’ is there?! There is absolutely no explanation any reasonable person can give you to help you come to a rational understanding of how/why this happened. It is inexcusable behaviour, not only to you, but to the other woman too. You are both victims of this man’s behaviour, and if the other lady is choosing to stay with him then I pity her. As hard as this is for you to have to deal with, you have actually had a ‘lucky escape’. This man is a complete liar, and sadly, you will probably never really know who the man was that you were engaged to because he acted a part the whole time.

What I absolutely admire about you is that you are having no contact with this man at all and are not allowing him to see how broken you are. My God, how that will annoy him! Him just not knowing anything about you now. You not pleading with him, begging him, desperately wanting him back, wanting apologies, answers, assurances etc. Men like that have egos that need feeding, and your silence and dignity is not feeding this ego one bit. He cannot believe that you have walked away from this without a fight. He does not have two women fighting over him – he has no one to triangulate with, not at the moment anyway (I’m sure other poor women will come in to his life very soon to become a part of this.)

You have done amazingly well to get yourself free of this situation, but I’m sure the trauma and the scars run deep and this is something you will never fully get over but will have to learn to live with. Trust is going to be a big thing for you going forward.

I watched a great self help video recently that was about how to trust again after a relationship. The question was “How can I really trust someone again?” The answer was “You can’t. You have to trust yourself. Trust yourself to walk away if it doesn’t feel right.”

You are dignified and have amazing strength, but there are times when you will crumble. Don’t let him see you crumble – ever. That’s what he wants, that’s where he’ll get his thrill. Your reward to yourself is to not let him have it. Hold your head up high and be proud of yourself for walking away. You’ve totally got this girl 😉

[Weemebreeze]

Hi Wants to help,

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for this message. I’m typing this through tears running down my face resting your lovely words. The hurt this man had caused me through the abuse, the torment, the disrespect and now this deceit of an unimaginable level, is almost too much to bear. Every minute of every day I want to tell him how much I despise him, how much I hate him and how much he’s hurt me, but I know from reading posts on here and advice free it’s what he wants and whilst I can’t change anything in the past, or undo what I did/didn’t do, I can control what I do now and the only thing I have in my power now is to say nothing. Give him nothing. It’s incredibly hard but I’m feeling a sense of satisfaction knowing he’ll hate it and it’s that which keeps me going. Thank you again, your response means so much. ❤️ X

[Wants To Help]

You are so welcome. Trust me when I say that each day will be a tiny bit easier than the day before. I’ve also had my heart broken to a point that I thought I’d never recover or love again, but I did. It took time, but I did get there. Honestly, I have so much admiration for you. Maintaining no contact with him after what he’s done is awesome.

[Weemebreeze]

Thank you so much. This message gives me faith and reminds me I’m doing the right thing. Thank you again x

[ISOPeace]

Hi Weemebreeze, you are right, giving him nothing is by far the biggest impact you can have on him and at the same time it makes you stronger – you take back your power when you do what is best for your wellbeing. If you did tell him how much you hate him and how much he’s hurt you, he would find a way to blame you in his mind. It would just go over his head.

When you wonder how he could do that to you, remember that he doesn’t think like you. Would you spend a lot of time wondering why a cat plays with its prey before it eats it? Or would you just accept that a cat doesn’t see the mouse they way you do, because it thinks like a cat? Your ex thinks like an abuser. He cares about power and control over his ‘partner’. He simply isn’t interested in a mutually respectful, loving relationship. He isn’t interested in anyone else’s feelings. He did it because he believes it is ok for him to cheat and manipulate people to meet his needs. He would have done it to anyone. It is no reflection on you. After all, he never loved you. His idea of love is not real love, it’s possession and obsession. Sending love xxxx

[Weemebreeze]

Hi ISOpeace,

Thank you so much for this message – it’s helped me so much. You’re absolutely right – they don’t think like us, they’re twisted, selfish cruel individuals and once I’ve fully accepted that, I’ll stop tormenting myself or trying to figure him out. You’ve summed it up so well – he believes it’s ok to lie and manipulate – what a rotten human! I’m on the right path now, as hard as it is, but I know I’ve done the right thing for me long term. Thank you again so much x*x

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