He won't go but I can't leave – sorry, long!

[PurpleHedgehog]

Hey ladies.

I told him a while ago I wanted a divorce. It was originally lots of hugs and calling time and being sad. Then he got silent. Then manipulative.

All expected. He said he was going to leave. All the Bill’s were my issue now and he wouldn’t pay. He said he would attend mediation. Then said he wouldn’t. And so on and so forth..

Anyway I stopped waiting for him to make any moves and started to look for a place for me and the kids. That galvanised him into promising he was going to go. Then lock down happened.

He is classed as a key worker so is still out most days so the kids are at home with me. I am struggling to do everything on my income but I am making it work.

But he is really upping the ante. Stupid tricks and games – he has taken to hiding things, moving stuff and trying to manipulate the kids. He keeps telling them how dangerous it is for him to be out (he is high risk) and then he lied on a wellbeing call in front of them (exact details they know are not true for themselves. No involvement from me. They are smart kids).(detail removed by moderator)

He is just being nasty. He is verbally abusive. He is upsetting the kids. He is still manipulating me financially and emotionally. And I can’t get him out.

We are both on the rent and mortgage.

(detail removed)is a big day for him and I know he is building up to turn it into a row if he can. Every fibre in my being is telling me to stand down. But part of me is desperate to rip the band aid off, have the row and wait for him to lose it.just to stop the endless misery of being in limbo. He has ignored me for weeks and been getting more and more petty so I know it’s coming. I know what he did to his ex wife – I finally read the file from their divorce. It turns out it was not the story he told me… surprise surprise.

He hasn’t changed so it is coming but I just want it to stop.

Sorry for being a misery guys but it is weeks now and it’s getting to me on the inside even though from the outside I refuse to let it show.

Thanks for any help or advice you can offer

And hoping you can all stay as safe as possible

PH x

[hop]

Being miserable because of abuse isn’t the same as being a misery. Nobody thinks that here. If he’s capable of much more and you know he’s lied about it in the past then you sound like you’re in a very dangerous situation. Have you called woman’s aid for advice. You need to do something before he gets out of hand. If he gets violent and out of control…. you need to be away from him and safe. You owe it to yourself and your family 💖

[KIP.]

I’d speak to the police. Start gathering evidence. Keep a journal. Someone posted about the police using a 28 day order to remove perpetrators. I’d ask about that and let them know what’s going on and that you’re scared of him. It might buy you time to get a non molestation order or an exclusion order. Do you have family that can help you? He’s going nowhere until he’s made to. And every day he’s there will get worse. Yes, he will use the children, finances and anything else he can. He probably sabotaged the heating in the first place. Never underestimate these men. If you developed a bad cough and a temperature would that scare him away? Buy you time?

[Lisa]

Hi there PurpleHedgehog, I am sorry to hear that things are escalating. Do keep yourself as safe as possible. Women’s Aid have put together some safety information that you might find use, you can find it here

Best wishes

Lisa

[PurpleHedgehog]

Thank you ladies.

I have spoken to the council, my local DV charity and DV assist. I have a friend who is a solicitor who has been trying to help. It seems to come down to the fact that it is my word against his, he will claim he has nowhere to go.
I pointed out how badly my mental health was suffering to my friend – it was pointed out that given how manipulative he is he will likely use that and an old family issue that involved Social services to discredit me.

So now I am stuck. No one seems to care if there are no visible injuries.

I am not sure how much longer I can do this. Every day is walking on egg shells and now I am almost confined to my room every evening just to avoid him. He continues to play mind games and manipulate the kids.

I will try to speak to the police today but if they can’t help (which I doubt tbh as again it is my word against his) I am stuck here for the foreseeable future. He won’t leave despite his promises to do so because he is too darn comfortable.

Sorry just feeling very very defeatist today.

[KIP.]

Can you get a supporting letter from your GP or at least log things with them for future. Secretly record if you can do it safely. As far as I know the council have a duty to rehome you or remove the perpetrator. Is there anyone who you have confided in that would give a statement or a witness? Start from today building your case but be careful that he doesn’t provoke you into doing something and having you removed. Can you afford to move and rent elsewhere. I know you said you can’t move but perhaps there’s something that can be done on that front. Even if it’s a temporary let for three months. Does he have any friends or family that he could stay with. He could rent a room or a small flat somewhere. Don’t give up. Start today building evidence because things always escalate x

[Author]

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