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    • #166087
      Learntoliveagain
      Participant

      Hi everyone, I’ve not posted for a while, but regularly log in to get support by just reading other ladies posts.
      I was struggling with my mental health at the end of last year and with the advice of a close friend I went to my GP and literally broke down in front of her. As a result I’m now on a low dose of antidepressants and she is being really supportive. I haven’t told my husband as I don’t want him to have an excuse in an argument to say I’m crazy and blame me for everything.
      I’ve had an awful weekend, he ignored me all weekend just total silence then I’d be walking on eggshells when he started drinking just waiting for him to kick off. This all started because he was angry that I was having (detail removed by Moderator), but I wouldn’t go out with him.
      I cant do this anymore, after more than (detail removed by Moderator) yrs I’m exhausted mentally and physically and I feel such an overwhelming sadness.
      So…. I told him (detail removed by Moderator) how I feel and that I don’t want another (detail removed by Moderator) yrs like this, I tried to explain how he has made me feel and I will never understand how he can say he loves me then treat me so bad (mentally and physically). He said he wants me to give him a chance to prove he can change and that he is so much better than he use to be (which he is)
      I told him I can’t, I’m trying to be strong now that I’ve taken the first step, but I’ve got up and he has left a (detail removed by Moderator) on the table. I cant open it, but if I don’t he is going to be so p****d off and tell me that I’m the problem.
      He just won’t listen and I’m worried that once he knows being sorry doesn’t work he will start to be a nightmare to live with.
      I can’t afford to move out yet and he’s made it clear this is his home.
      I dont want to go back in to our normal thing of him saying give him a chance and it all starts again.

    • #166088
      sweet4
      Participant

      Same here ive put up with it for (detail removed by Moderator) years, seperated to many times, its controlling abuse, me to, they cant change, i have been told he is getting help for his anger , hes very aggressive a bitter and angry old man before his time, make plans,

    • #166100
      Bananaboat
      Participant

      Stop trying to make him see sense, it hurts like crazy because it’s a normal response but you’re not dealing with a ‘normal’ partner. You’re wasting your breath. I hate to say it but strap in because he’s going to throw every trick in the book at you now – he’ll be nice & loving, he’ll promise to change or get help, he’ll get super nasty & blame you, he’ll use the silent treatment and probably stay out overnight – basically anything and everything to find that one nugget to keep you hooked, to keep his supply.

      I had to stay in the same house for a long time post split and found separating my life as much as possible helped – like going up to bed early and watching tv, cooking for myself & kids, going out without him etc – it’s all to send the message I’m done. It’s hard, but focus on the next chapter, baby steps are still steps in the right direction. Realise you’ll have good & bad days yourself, it’s a break up after all it’s ok to be sad and wish things were different. And final tip – keep a journal or log somewhere because then you’ll really notice the tactics and reading it back will keep you focused on why you want out xx

    • #166112
      Learntoliveagain
      Participant

      I know it was not going to make any difference me trying to explain again, but I did and he just wouldn’t listen saying I was throwing our marriage away. I kept saying he had done that.
      He said so are you saying you want to split up. Everytime he has said this I panic and say no. I didnt (detail removed by Moderator) I said yes.
      Now his reaction is tearing me apart I’ve never seen him like this he was begging for me not to do this and crying. I feel so much pain being responsible for causing so much hurt. He said he has no one only me and to give another chance to prove he can change.
      This is unbearable, but I can’t go back to living this way, but I’m hurting him so much.

    • #166115
      swanlake
      Participant

      That sounds like a big reaction from your husband that has upset you so much.
      Sadly abusers are skilful at turning on the crocodile tears and manipulating our emotions. My abuser used to tell me sob stories about his abusive childhood including witnessing his parents’ relationship. I’m sure that he did have a horrible childhood but it wasn’t fair to tug on my heartstrings and manipulate me with it.
      Please do think of yourself and protect yourself and your own feelings. You have the right to be happy too.

    • #166250
      Learntoliveagain
      Participant

      Thank you for your replies, I always manage to find a little more strength when I read I’m not alone and other women have/are going through this and have survived.
      I’m trying so hard not to listen to him crying because it makes me doubt myself. How would anyone be capable to show this amount of remorse just to manipulate me? Then I read through the posts on here and have to remind myself he is more than capable 😪..
      I’ve told our children and they have been amazing and so supportive both saying that I need to stop saying I’m sorry they know how things have been and they just want be to be happy.
      He was so p****d off that I had told them and has said he’s not telling his family and I’m not to tell anyone else.
      He is refusing to listen. He just keeps saying he loves me etc I’ve pleaded with him to stop and he says he’s going to keep doing it until I change my mind.
      He then drinks and I’m back walking on eggshells waiting for his mood to change, which it does…. He then gets angry because I won’t say I love him when ge say’s it. Tells me that ive been planning this all along and I’ve been lying that I care about him.
      Then the following day he goes back to sending me loving messages. I’m so tired trying to handle every reply to not annoy him or give him false hope.

    • #166277
      StrongLife
      Participant

      I agree, the cannot change. Seek support in counselling, lawyers, and safety planning just in case he escalated. I hear the phrase he won’t listen a lot. It’s soul destroying when they disregard your thoughts and ideas.

      I too have had this- it’s all soul destroying

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