8th January 2021 at 1:04 pm #119388xxx22Participant
I’m so sorry, this is my 3rd time posting in just over a week but it’s been really tough.
He posted me a present that (detail removed by Moderator) got me for Christmas because I wouldn’t see him now and he wanted me to still have it. The present was really thoughtful and I loved it which was sad anyway that everything is ruined. But my ex put in all the (detail removed by Moderator) that I love then he wrote a letter. It says letter (detail removed by Moderator) and it’s talking all about the start of how we met and how it all happened.. it’s not finished so it makes me feel like I’m going to keep getting more letters.
I can’t stop crying, I really miss him and I hate that something like this makes me think ‘maybe he’s learned now’ or ‘why would he go to all this effort just to hurt me again’ or ‘he does love me and doesn’t mean to emotionally abuse me’
He’s blocked on everything everywhere now after last week you guys gave me the encouragement.. but this just makes me want to unblock and say something. I know I shouldn’t
8th January 2021 at 1:34 pm #119389
Stay strong, this is classic love bombing. He is is pulling out all the stops to draw you back into the abuse. Though he might be writing nice this things this is also abusive behaviour; you have blocked him so he uses underhanded tactics to sneak communication to you. He doesnt care about what you want, he wants to talk to you and so will contact you by any means necessary. He cares nothing for the boundary you have set. He only cares about himself. A loving partner would respect your need for space and time to yourself without forcing his views on you. This action is further proof of his abusive behaviour.
Dont read any more of the letters. I would burn them. Cry all you need to, it’s so sad. You dont deserve this but please stay strong and dont contact him. He wont be long flipping back to overt abuse when the love-bombing doesnt work. Well done for posting, keep it up! Much better to reach out here than to him. Dont drink poison because you are thirsty.
Big hugs, you got this xx
8th January 2021 at 2:17 pm #119391KIP.Participant
Please dont apologise and post as often as you need to. I was constantly posting in the early days, desperately trying to work out what was happening in my head. It also helps other women to read your posts and no doubt many of them are going through similar. It’s classic love bombing and I wouldn’t read any of his letters. If you have told him not to contact you then I’d report this to the police before it gets any worse. My ex left me my favourite (detail removed by Moderator) too. They can’t even be original with their love bombing. It’s a tactic to draw you in to either further abuse you right away or hook you back in only to have the final painful discard after he’s continued his abuse. Either way you won’t come out of this is a better position than you are now. This man is not your friend. Ask yourself deep down what would really change of you went back and what exactly are your motives for going back. Temporary relief from the pain you’re in? It’s only temporary like a drug. Once the drug wears off you’re left back at square one again. I’m sure his (detail removed by Moderator)could have posted your gift himself. It sounds like your ex has used this opportunity to further his own agenda. Do you actually know it was definitely from his (detail removed by Moderator). Abusers will use anyone as their flying monkeys. They are liars and manipulators x
8th January 2021 at 2:31 pm #119392gettingtiredParticipant
The ladies are right.
Please stay strong and know this is more toxic behaviour from him. You’d only end up being hurt going back to him. He won’t change, he’s just using this to try and snare you back in. We are all here for you so keep posting. I’ve posted a ridiculous amount of times since I’ve joined here, please don’t apologise xx
8th January 2021 at 2:52 pm #119393EmpoweredhealingParticipant
I’m so sorry you’re going through so much self doubt and confusion. This is completely normal and is why abusive relationships are very difficult to get out of. You are dealing with the grief of the loss someone you love and at the same time, being tempted with illusions that it could all be ok. You are suffering and he’s holding out the solution to your pain which is to get back together. This is the stage where most women goes back but it will only be a matter of time before the abuse starts again.
What is happening now is in fact part of the cycle of abuse. On average, a woman will leave 7 times before she leaves for good. The 8th time is when she knows and have experienced all the lies that lured her back in the past and doesn’t believe them anymore.
If you have any authors or books that helped you recognized and understand abuse in the past, it would be good to reread them now. Your ex’s abusiveness comes from deep psychological wounds and there’s zero chance that he has healed them. Writing you a letter is a form of manipulation called “induced conversations”. He knows that as long as you to talk to him again, he gets another chance to mislead you into come back. Ross Rosenberg has a Youtube channel explaining this that’s very healing to watch.
I’m rooting for you.
8th January 2021 at 7:05 pm #119401HettyParticipant
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. It’s important to keep posting as the road to recovery is hard and we can’t make it alone.
The others are right. It’s a love bombing classic, manipulation to hook you back in. I’ve had the same via email. I then started to get it’s not just me it’s you too. These men are only sorry to lose their emotional and sometimes physical punchbags I’m afraid. Stay strong. I had a terrible row with my mother over Christmas and it made me want to run back to my ex. But the good times never last and before long I’d be back to square one. I’ve been round and round this cycle for years. Nothing ever changes. He’s still the same man who has hurt you. I watched YouTube videos and researched whenever I felt doubt creeping in. I know more than anything you’ll want him to mean those things but they are just words xx
8th January 2021 at 7:31 pm #119403EggshellsParticipant
The ladies are right. He is love bombing you to try and get you back. Not because he loves you but because he needs someone. He doesn’t need you, he just needs someone. Its just that you are an easy target. He thinks he can woo you easily because he knows you and he knows what works. To love bomb an entirely new target will take a lot more effort. Abusers need us. They drain us of our lives to enable them to live theirs, like parasites. He just needs his host back.
As the other ladies have said, if he really loved you, he would repect your need for some space and he would stop contacting you. But he’s not interested in meeting your needs.
You have done so well to get this far. You have shown such courage and strength. Hold on to your strength now. Its not his to steal any more. It never was. xx
9th January 2021 at 11:43 am #119437
I agree with the other comments. Also remember that the abuse is actually about him. I know it feels personal but when he’s being abusive he’s totally consumed by his own issues and is completely unable to empathise with you and the effect on you. Of course that doesn’t mean it’s o, it means he is unable to love you in an unabusive way. For him being close to somebody means dumping all his rubbish on them. He does it because he is unable to manage his own issues. It has nothing to do with your worth as a person of even anything you’ve done, it’s all about him. He probably does love you in his way, but his way involves abuse sadly. Stay strong xxxxx
9th January 2021 at 11:53 am #119439GreenSapphireParticipant
An abuser’s idea of love is not real love. It’s crucial we differentiate between the two. Real love is mutual. Love with an abuser is a one way street. It’s important we see the fundamental difference so that we do not get swayed back into feeling sorry for them and their messed up idea of love with all the associated guilt, pity and yearning. After all, it is our empathetic tendency to feel sorry for them and to believe we can nurse and rescue them which binds us to them.
9th January 2021 at 12:12 pm #119443gettingtiredParticipant
Yes this is what I get confused by sometimes. I mean, it certainly feels like they ‘love’ us when they are ‘being nice’ or the cycle is ‘in the calm’. My partner thinks certain habits I have are endearing and I think well he must ‘love’ me as he’s noticed something I do himself and thinks it’s cute or whatever. Having said that he puts me down for others things I do or habits I have so I guess that’s where the ‘love’ part gets murky.
I think if you’ve never been in a ‘normal’ relationship before and have grown up having a n**********c family member (like me) then it can be hard to understand. I guess that’s why educating yourself and being part of the forum is so important. I certainly wouldn’t say any of the women on here’s partners truly love them but when it comes to your own relationship it’s harder to see x
9th January 2021 at 12:47 pm #119449GreenSapphireParticipant
I accept my ex partner did not love me in the meaning of real love. It’s a journey to get to that place of understanding for sure.
I recommend continuing to read up about domestic abuse and self-reflect. I also recommend to anyone who is confused about my earlier post to read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans if they so wish. There are many other resources out there but I would say that this book out of everything else I have read and watched, made the most sense to me.
9th January 2021 at 11:44 am #119438
*doesn’t mean it’s ok
9th January 2021 at 12:20 pm #119444xxx22Participant
I ended up getting a migraine and went to sleep the rest of the day (then woke up and ate a lot of the stupid (detail removed by Moderator) he sent which has just annoyed me anyway because eating (detail removed by Moderator) seems to be all I do at the moment and of course it came from him lol).
But thank you all so much for messaging. I am continuing to be strong and try to focus my thoughts elsewhere. It’s so sad when you love them and you think because of the way they have been a lot of the time or the things they say that they love you the way you love them… but it totally is selfish like you’re all saying. Even when I’m the one who’s been hurt, it’s always about him and how he feels or what he’s lost.
I know if I go back I’ll be right here another time heartbroken and hurt even if it does feel so amazing temporarily for a while.
Appreciate you all so much x x
9th January 2021 at 12:40 pm #119447
I don’t get the highs in my relationship any more, just the lows and the less bad times but I do remember the highs. It’s like a drug or other addiction. I’ve heard it said that addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. It’s so true. The highs come at an incredible cost to yourself. I experience anxiety and when I’m on top of it, the feeling of freedom from not being controlled by it is so much better than the relief from remivnging the anxiety trigger. I suspect it’s the same with these relationships. Once we’re far enough out the other side, the freedom is far better than the temporary high in the relationship. Xxxx
9th January 2021 at 5:11 pm #119467
@xxx22 just wanted to say really well done, give yourself a massive pat on the back. It’s not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is, and the longer you’re away the stronger you get and the easier dealing with it gets. You’re doing great xx
@ISOPeace I know exactly what you mean. Towards the end of my relationship I didnt have the highs either. I was so ground down from walking on eggshells all the time I just felt flat. Lost interest in my appearance, my hobbies everything. Even when he was “nice” I was just waiting for the next explosion from him. It became a relief when he did explode and I would think I’d have some respite from the tension for a little while. Unfortunately the abuse just escalated because he wasn’t getting a reaction out of me.
It was no way to live. Leaving is the best thing I have ever done in my life. No eggshells, no-one shouting at me, no criticism, no fear. Just peace. In my home and in my mind. You will escape this, you’re breaking his spell over you by shining light on his abuse. Leaving is so difficult, but in my experience staying was far worse xx
10th January 2021 at 3:31 pm #119552Dolly2019Participant
I really feel for you and so much of these comments resonate. It is like a drug, a fix, and you do anything to get that high and some form of validation or closure. Stay strong. KIP is right; they only ever want to reel us back in for the final (often brutal) discard as punishment for standing up to them. They are not men whose egos can handle being dumped. They have to win. It’s like a drug for them too. Remember that, stay away. X
10th January 2021 at 4:18 pm #119560LottieblueParticipant
It’s really interesting what you are all saying about not getting the highs any more. Can anyone explain this? I’ve been out for a few months now and it’s something I think about a lot. I try to remember the good bits but towards the end I simply never felt any happiness. I felt, as one person on here described it a while back “hollowed out” – it’s like I lost all capacity for happiness, no matter what was going on. So he could be nice as you like, loving, reasonable, etc, but I felt no joy or contentment. It was as if I was seeing through it, I didn’t believe him – in a way I think it was lack of trust. Is it because we are protecting ourselves from the lows that we now know will inevitably come?
I think this feeling is one that it’s impossible to describe or rationalise to anyone who hasn’t experienced abuse. It makes me cry if I do. I never want to feel like that again. X
10th January 2021 at 5:13 pm #119562
The counsellor in my support group explains that phenomenon and feeling as having our soul sucked out by the abuser. That part of you that wouldnt show up on any X-ray or scan. I know that’s how I felt. Like the light had gone out. Completely hollow. By the time I left I hardly recognised myself in the mirror; I knew it was me, but it wasnt me.
These kind of dissociative effects are a result of trauma. When we are trapped in fight or flight mode with no escape for an extended period eventually we switch off, feel nothing. The body keeps the score is an excellent book about this, as is Trauma and Recovery.
It does get better. I feel so full of life now. I’ve got my sparkle back, and if anything I think its brighter because having almost lost it I treasure it all the more xx
10th January 2021 at 5:27 pm #119563HettyParticipant
I guess the highs for me were feeling like I was the most beautiful and special woman in the world. My ex would shower me in compliments a lot. He’d say how beautiful I was, how intelligent and smart I was. He’d sometimes pep talk me if I had self doubts. He’d tell me he had never felt the way he did about me with any other woman. Now I know it was love bombing. He saw what he wanted in me and he set out to get his claws into me. He’d also call me a c**t, b***h and other vile names. He’d undermine and control me and tell me I couldn’t cope. He’d belittle me and humiliate me. The list goes on. As it does for us all.
I was the same. Totally wrung out when I lefts I do miss him though. I miss his pep talks and the times I felt he was on my side. All an illusion though. I see that. I know he’ll never change. It’s probably more the fantasy I miss xx
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