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    • #144502
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      OK I’m having a bit of a bad day with it all and I’m trying to process what happened. I’ve been struggling since I left to feel sure of my choices and thoughts/feelings. I feel like for me it’s really difficult to accept my ex was abusive and I’m half here to just write this out and get it off my chest and also here to understand whether it was just a bad relationship where we were incompatible and I need to take more responsibility like he says for the break down of it all. It’s been so hard to make sense of – so I’m just bullet pointing the obvious things that happened/he did to remind myself what it was like;

      – He blew hot and cold consistently throughout the relationship. Wouldn’t want to commit for a long while – but then was extremely controlling about me and wanting total commitment from myself. Also told me exactly what I wanted to hear once I’d have enough and left (This was a pattern).
      – Would be very secretive about a lot of things i.e. I wasn’t allowed to mention his religious practice without it being a problem, wasn’t allowed to know where he was for a week at a time when he was away (in relation to this)
      – He would compartmentalise everything to an extreme degree and keep me away from his friends/work. He would really resent me if I expected him to be more open
      – He would compare me to an ex/another woman often in the beginning of the relationship
      – I always had the feeling I wasn’t good enough for him and he seemed to find ways to confirm that subtly (I’m aware I also have my own insecurities and he’s not responsible for the origins of those)
      – He pushed me into a sexual thing I wasn’t comfortable (detail removed by Moderator) (I had expressed interest at one stage but then very clearly expressed I was very unsure and uncomfortable). He then heavily insinuated he would have to rethink the relationship if I didn’t want to (but also denied he did this and told me I was making him feel bad). He then dismissed my feelings when I told him afterwards it upset me… he then got upset I didn’t want to do it again.
      – He wouldn’t lift a finger in the house and tell me I was a nag if I ever said anything about it – no matter how busy I was with my job. I barely had energy to do anything for myself after a while
      – He had rules in the house (times I was allowed in our room – because he needed space), kept locked cupboards. He would get very upset with me if I had a problem with any of it and tell me I was Crossing his boundaries.
      – Would often speak about his childhood trauma being the reason he has so many “boundaries” and can’t compromise with them. He often would make me feel responsible for not being an emotionally safe enough person to open up to…
      – He would call me when I was out with friends A LOT (My friends would notice and find it strange), sometimes persuade me to come home early or ask me not to go out if he was having a bad day.
      – (Detail removed by Moderator)
      – He would make commitments then close to the time, take it back – e.g. once because “I wasn’t grateful enough” or would just forget
      – Once threw his phone against the wall and smashed it during an argument when I went to leave as he kept accusing me of storming out – when I felt I had to remove myself.
      – Would tell me if he didn’t like what I was wearing and make it such a big problem I would have to change (If he thought it was too revealing making me feel I was being disrespectful to him and that any man he knows would expect this)
      – When we broke up in the past – he wouldn’t leave me alone – so had to change my number. He would turn up a lot of places I was at – out the blue, constantly call, constantly text, always asking to meet and guilting me into seeing him, (detail removed by Moderator)
      – Would be very critical of my behaviour towards him and read into EVERYTHING and turn it into conflict i.e. would think I always had ulterior motives and make me feel I had done something awful. He would then want apologies for things I didn’t realise I was doing/hadn’t done.
      – Would tell me my behaviour around the male friends we had was inappropriate all the time (For no good reason). I was constantly treading on eggshells by the end because of this
      – Convinced me I had anger problems when I got so worn down and reacted to all the above (As I often put up a bit of resistance/a fight with all the nonsense and tried to explain why it felt awful)
      – He would tell me I never took responsibility for anything, that I blame him for everything and I was bad at communicating and spoke to me like a child in conflict (Schooling me about my communication and my self-awareness)
      – It felt like everything he accused me of was what I felt he was doing essentially (but not always)… he would tell me I was manipulative and controlling which was a real head f**k. Told me I was emotionally domineering when upset with his behaviour (I mean I did want him to stop with his behaviour so maybe it was a way of controlling?)
      – His double standards were pretty unreal and he didn’t seem to see it if I brought it up
      – He is still setting rules for me now, making it difficult for me to go get my things from his place, telling me where I can and can’t live (according to his needs)…

      This isn’t all of it of course – but the things that have been particularly difficult. I’m not perfect and sometimes I might be insensitive to things which might be upsetting for him and I have reacted with anger at times (never physically). I know I also have my own reasons for staying or going back to investigate and figure out why it felt so hard to end it (considering we have relatively few ties).

      Sorry if this post is a bit self-indulgent. I haven’t told anyone about some of this stuff (especially not the sexual stuff) and felt I needed to put it somewhere… sometimes I think about this relationship and wonder if I’m exaggerating or being unfair to him by calling it abuse. I’m still in touch with him for the moment (whilst I organise my furniture) and feeling really surreal about being on “good terms”?? – I feel almost guilty for writing on here and being in touch with him. I tell myself sometimes “Well it couldn’t have been that bad right? If I’m not running for the hills or scared”

      I just feel like a ton of bricks would come down on me if I let it be known that I think he’s abusive. I wouldn’t put it past him to do something else to hurt me somehow if I did… So I’m not planning on doing this but feel like I’m making it hard for myself to move forward by not really recognising/acting from this place.

      I’m just so confused – when we were together he was always so good at somehow justifying his broken logic and getting his needs met – that my head is spinning and can’t tell which way is up anymore.

      I know better than this – but wow when you’re in it – it’s so hard to make everything align with what you think you know? I’m not doubting whether I made the right choice to leave, I just can’t seem to get clarity in myself. I suppose definitions aren’t that important. I think I just need to feel like I’m not crazy for feeling so awful after this break up/throughout this relationship. I also want to make sure I’m not telling myself he was abusive unfairly to make it easier to cut ties/avoid responsibility.

    • #144506
      Wants To Help
      Participant

      Hi CuriousB,

      Having read through this list of what you had to endure I am 100% in agreement that this was an abusive relationship, along with an incompatible relationship, a jealous relationship and an uncompromising relationship. Whatever you choose to call it, or however you choose to look at it, you were clearly unhappy, not content and never felt nurtured, supported or encouraged to be the best version of you.

      How you deal with this moving forward is now in your control. How important is it that this relationship NEEDS a label to justify ending it? You could simply say to friends and family “It just wasn’t working for me / it just wasn’t making me happy.” You owe him no explanations now, no reasoning, no apologies. I really think you need a clean break, no further contact and move on. He has stalked you and harassed you in the past and you have gone back to him, and now he still has some control by not letting you get your things, or only allowing you to get them on his terms.

      What sort of quantity and value of furniture are you talking about here? How imperative is it that you have it because holding out for it for it is impeding your recovery. Ebay and Facebook Marketplace always have furniture for sale cheaply and there are some real bargains to be had. Second hand doesn’t mean it’s tat.

      You have no children or financial ties with this man and he is not the sort of man you have broken up with amicably and can stay friends with. Men like these are the ones we really have to walk away from and write off as though they are dead to us – meaning we will never see or communicate with them ever again to the best of our ability. Staying in contact for replaceable items can be seen by abusers as a way of us not wanting to cut ties completely and using it as an ‘excuse’ for contact, meaning he won’t want to give it to you so that the ties can remain in place and he can hoover you back in. You also need to be REALLY honest with yourself too. Is this contact over the furniture a way of hoping he will change in a few weeks because he’s going to realise what he’s lost and tell you he’ll change his ways if you go back? It’s likely he will tell you that, but it’s also likely he won’t change at all.

      Even if he wasn’t abusive, do you want to be with a man who doesn’t do his share of the housework? If not, this man was incompatible with you anyway as he is set in his ways and sees the chores as ‘women’s work’.

      Even if he wasn’t abusive, do you want to be with a man who is constantly ringing you when you are out with friends and didn’t want you to have a life outside of him? If so, you are incompatible because he is not a man who is secure enough for you to have your own friends and a life away from him.

      Even if he wasn’t abusive, do you want to be with a man who challenges your choice of clothes that you want to wear? If not, you are incompatible with this man because he doesn’t value your decisions or choices.

      Too many times we meet someone and constantly try to make allowances to adjust and find compatibility with someone when there isn’t any.

      From what you have written about your life with this man there is never going to be any happy ending, there is never going to be any better version of him for you. This is who he is and this is the man that every woman from this day forward is going to get. Work really hard now on putting him in the past and forget his needs/issues/insecurities/sad past/alleged vulnerabilities that ‘make him this way’. Ignoring him from now on is not selfish, it’s self care.

      Write off the furniture and go zero contact now if you can.

      Good luck

      xx

    • #144510
      Anonymous
      Inactive

      Thank you for your reply.

      I’m really at a stage where I’m trying to look at it straight on – not so much to justify ending it, more for a sense of validation. It’s been so hard to just have my feelings without them being pulled apart or questioned – you’re right the labelling isn’t so important, but half the things I’ve written in the post are things I’ve also justified on his behalf to cope while I was there. Denial is a powerful tool I’ve learnt. Now I just want to make my experiences a bit more real to myself and process it so I can move forward. But you’re right – I probably don’t need to do this even so I can move through it all.

      Unfortunately It would cost thousands to replace it all (as there is a lot) and I’m struggling financially as it is, not to mention I’ve had to sell and rebuy everything (detail removed by Moderator) years ago already. If I didn’t need to furnish a new place – I would 100% leave it to avoid further contact. I also have my documents and very sentimental things there. I ended up leaving in a bit of a rush with the dog so didn’t get a chance to put anything in storage. Really not ideal and I wish I’d thought of something else so that I wasn’t in this position.

      Hoping once this next step is over – I can start fresh and not look back. My furniture is the last thing he has control over and either way – fingers crossed it will be sorted soon and time to prioritise my needs again.

      Thank you so much for taking time and care to write such a detailed response. You’re right – abuse or not it wasn’t working and I don’t need to explain it to anyone but myself. A reminder I needed

    • #144514
      nbumblebee
      Participant

      I am not as wise as others here and most likely not much help but i wanted to post sweetie.
      Reading what you wrote id say yes it was abusive but like wantstohelp says it doesnt have to be abuse for you to leave right? It sounds like a really tough unhappy life one that nobody should have to deal with at all. Having a bad past is in no way an excuse to treat someone like he has you no excuse at all sweetie and i think you are incredable to have gotten out absolutly incredable. I get why you need to understand things even label them i do get it for me i find myself fighting so hard against the labels the words abuse the words victim survior i am none of these still and I fight every day against these lables but then again im still here so actually maybe that where Im going wrong so a huge well done again for hitting this head on and looking foward looking for answers i get this totally.

      But now I think its Time now for you, could you talk this over with a counsellor maybe get things out of your head? It may help you with a fresh new start. Time to look after trust and believe in yourself now.
      Best of luck xxxxxx

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