This topic contains 15 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Helovesmehesays 2 months, 1 week ago.

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  • #69787
     Rebirthaftertrauma 
    Participant

    Hi, this is my first post here. Logically I know no contact with my ex is the right thing but my heart is another story. The circumstances of my partner leaving means I feel like we never said ‘goodbye’ as such but from what I have been learning he would have only hoovered me back in – stupidly at this point I want that. I want him to want me and for him to change and live happily ever after. I know but cant or dont want to accept that is just a fantasy. We hadn’t been together long (have past history though) & it was only the last month that things really became evident. Will this feeling ever pass? My birthday & Christmas (detail removed by moderator) where so lonely without him. My mother passed away earlier this year, and it’s just me and my boy (ex is not the father). As much as I want him back, it also makes me feel sick that I would consider this. My son is my world and I would never want him to feel unsafe, scared or nervous in his home (ex never hurt / said anything to him but we all know the impact of hearing verbal abuse etc). My ex had children – I have lost them as well. Am I normal to feel this way?

  • #69788
     Rebirthaftertrauma 
    Participant

    I feel addicted – the urge to make contact is so strong combined with the guilt I feel for wanting this…

  • #69789
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    Hi there, it is such a strong emotion to fight against. Have you looked up about trauma bonding, it goes into the chemical bonding rather than the emotional bond we have. It is very like an addiction, i actually remember thinking that very thought when i first got involved with my husband.
    Welcome to the forum, this is a lifesaver and a safe place to talk and learn.
    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69793
     Rebirthaftertrauma 
    Participant

    I feel obsessed at times..I’ve started to read about trauma bonding and feels very much like an addiction to overcome. Going to start the freedom programme next week – which will hopefully help putting things into perspective. I would never risk my son but the overwhelming urges to make contact then the guilt I feel following this. Reading these forums have been an immense help – I really wished I had reached out sooner. My friends have been amazing – I feel so blessed, they have been nothing but supportive. I feel such a let down. I’m not even sure what making contact would achieve. He humiliated me years ago (he was my first love) and I allowed him again this time – only I never knew the depths he woukd go or the rages. The red flags from the beginning…

  • #69798
     Rebirthaftertrauma 
    Participant

    At times I feel like I’m going crazy, so much has happened in a short space of time & he was meant to be my rock – after my mum passed things escalated and I should consider myself lucky things happened as they did – it only went on for a (detail removed by moderator) (lies from the beginning though and other red flags I’ve been reading about, even discovered a past history) – I know the facts but the cognitive dissonance- how could someone become such a monster? Why couldn’t I have looked at his behaviour rather than listen to his words? Yet I still want to talk to him. I’ve written letters and torn them up etc – this does get easier?

  • #69801
     Iwantmeback 
    Participant

    I sure hope it gets easier, I’m still with my husband, we rarely talk to each other, if we do it’s about what’s happened to him or something he’s seen on Facebook or YouTube,I learned a long time ago he wasn’t interested in my day, he said it hurt his ears, or I was stupid or whatever, so I stopped talking to him for fear of being made foolish
    I too felt like I was going crazy, I actually attended a memory clinic,I thought I was losing my mind, it was him gaslighting me. I recently saw a psychologist, who said she was amazed I was as sane living in such an insane situation and that any normal person would act the exact same way as I did. They don’t become monsters, they’ve always been one, they just hid it from us very well.
    I had a thing for vampires, fell for the romanticism of them, I’ve well and truly ended up with one, he’s literally sucking the life’s force from me.
    I don’t hate him, nor do I love him, I feel nothing. I’m no longer numb, I was walking around like a zombie for months. Had no inclination to wash, dress, eat, barely brushed my teeth, sometimes wouldn’t even do that. But with the help of this forum and a WA worker, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I still have some bad days, but they’re getting less and less, I’m making plans to leave, I’m speaking to people about my situation, i have a saving fund in place, I’ve been to my doctor, who says I can see her anytime, she’s there for my mental health as well as my physical health. Knowing there’s people in our same situations helps, it’s s..t that we’re going through this, but it’s so prevalent now, it’s time for change.
    #21stcenturysuffragettes unite

    IWMB 💕💕

  • #69803
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    It gets better. Stay strong. Try and stay busy. I found colouring books helpful for that. Just keeping my hands and mind busy enough not to think about him. I imagine doing this or other soothing activities with your son might help. I also found it helpful to text friends and family any time I got an urge to contact him. It helped me feel less isolated.

    • #69977
       Longdays 
      Participant

      I feel for you,as I am so lonely and have now recognised the pattern..I stay on house all day,don’t really look after myself, started eating as an escape so now put weight on and look terrible.He is gaslighting me..which I have just started to recognise after reading other stories
      Its frightening how they use same tactics and same words.It is scary .I wrote a strategy to my self but I am not sure it is working..I am scared of being even more lonely and afraid to admit how I have been stupid for do long…Hope you get the way out I am stil trying to find a way

  • #69804
     Rebirthaftertrauma 
    Participant

    I think I should contact my GP again. It all feels surreal – like everyone here I imagine – I never thought this would happen to me. Thank you for your support tonight ♥️

    • #69821
       Rebirthaftertrauma 
      Participant

      Thank you – I think keeping active will help. Am going to get started today.

  • #69823
     Tiffany 
    Participant

    Going back to your GP is a good idea too. Talking about what’s going on helps, and your GP might be able to point you in the direction of available help. If you think it might help they can also discuss potential antidepressant use. I didn’t go down this route as I have a chronic illness which makes my body react unpredictably towards drugs, so my previous experiences of antidepressants had not been great. I can only tolerate micro doses, and they aren’t enough to get the anti depressant effect. But assuming that you don’t have this illness it might be a good route. I know a lot of people for whom they have been a lifesaver (literally). It might be worth considering?

  • #69859
     Sci-figirl 
    Participant

    I’ve been struggling the same way. Reading about trauma bonding and the physical and psychological effects it has really helped. Last time we broke up, I sounded so like you. I knew what he was, but he had never been violent towards me so I found it quite hard to counter against the pain of missing him. I was told it would escalate….and it did. He even said himself that it’s the way he is. It was inevitable. He had to, because I wasn’t behaving myself!
    Nothing could have stopped me going back to him. I nearly lost my family. I was so depressed. I went on antidepressants and told my doctor about the abuse. It really helped. They have taken the edge off so I can function better. Of course, they’re not a quick fix and there are side effects. You have to choose for you. All I can say is that they helped.
    I have been keeping my mind busy, reaching out to people around me….posting on here. Reminding myself of the awful things he’s done helps. And knowing that the love I thought I felt is just a chemical reaction borne from the relief of the moments that I wasn’t being abused…that has been of great use.
    Our stories sound pretty similar tbh. Reach out if you need to…I’ll be around! Take care xx

  • #69890
     Happylife 
    Participant

    I just want him to be nice to me. I don’t understand his behaviour he tells lies then shouts about how bad a person I am.

  • #69968
     Helovesmehesays 
    Participant

    I wrote on another, similar post, last night. I am completely in the same boat, with very similar circumstances. I feel like such a fraud being on here sometimes, because i still love him and in all honesty, i’d go back to him in a heartbeat, even knowing i will lose my family, friends and probably my life eventually 🙁 (detail removed by Moderator) but i’ve not been allowed to see or speak to him since he was arrested ages ago. Its been so hard, and definately isn’t getting any easier. I’m a complete mess and i don’t know what to do next. Please know that you’re not alone though, and take care xx

  • #70003
     Rebirthaftertrauma 
    Participant

    Hi Helovesmehesays – it is so hard, haven’t had contact with my OH since he was arrested. I want desperately at times to speak with him – though rationally I don’t know why, speaking to him won’t give me ‘closure’ but probably more questions and I know I would only get sucked back in. Constant battle between head and heart (if someone loves you they wouldn’t lie or physically assault you but what if he changes??? (Even as I write I know how ridiculous it is but I still think it). Keep strong x

  • #70068
     Helovesmehesays 
    Participant

    I’m laying in bed (am full of cold and resemble a snot monster!) Wondering what hes doing, does he still think of me, does he still love me. His family hate me (they blame me), i’m not allowed contact with them either, so i know nothing. I just cry all the time, i’m so messed up. I just want it all to stop. Its so hard to explain how i feel to people, everyone thinks i should hate him for what he’s done. I do, but not for the pain, just how could he throw our love away? This is so hard :'( pm me if you want to sweet, i’m always here xx

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