11th March 2019 at 12:41 pm #73956
After very recently leaving my husband , having some time apart and telling him it is over, I returned to sleep in my own home and spend time with our dog. We ended up talking, well he did most of the talking , he talked for hours , it was clear he’s thought about nothing else , and he ended up distraught … Extremely distraught so much so it has broken my heart… I know I should have stayed stronger …where was he for me when I needed emotional support,?! But it was just heart breaking and of course we are both deckvaststed that it’s over.
He wasn’t nasty, and he has never been violent … Was emotionally and financially abusive…but he seems to be full of remorse (although he has been very sorry /won’t do it again before !!!!…but this time more upset realising he had lost.me)
It’s made me feel so terrible. Like I’ve made him out to be a horrible person when really he did love me he’s just done some really bad/stupid things due to drug addiction and mental health issues.
It’s not that I am thinking of taking him back. Just very upset over how it’s ended and what part I’ve played that has led to both of us ending up the way we have 🙁
Never expected to still.care for him so much. And I really do think I’ve exaggerated the abuse to some extent and I feel so bad for that
Has anyone else been in this position ? What did you do?
11th March 2019 at 12:54 pm #73959KIP.Participant
This is what happens with contact. It’s more mind games and causes doubt and confusion. Drugs and mental health do not cause domestic abuse. Domestic abuser cause domestic abuse. If you want to move on with your life and heal then I’m afraid it’s zero contact. Go back to writing down every incident and how they made you feel. He is not your responsibility. He’s using Obligation and Guilt. Very common tactics. You will never get closure from an abuser. They love for us to feel guilty. To carry their guilt for them. It was his behaviour, and he chose that behaviour that caused this. He won’t change and I can see you’re minimising his behaviour with is very common. He wasn’t nasty? He was emotionally and financially abusive. I’d call that nasty. We desperately want to see the good in people and our brains will try to push the bad stuff to the back and the good stuff forward. Don’t fall for it. Just hang in there and concentrate on you x
11th March 2019 at 1:12 pm #73961
Thanks Kip I am doing my best to remind myself of all the reasons for leaving in the first place.
I don’t think he is deliberately using guilt or obligation, just doesn’t seem to be malicious … My brain definitely sees the good in people… And his brain is definitely to be a victim.
Just need to get over this hump… I hope I can buy him out … Or sell up and move on asap .. in mean time we still have some contact over the house and dog until it’s all sorted out.
11th March 2019 at 1:23 pm #73962[email protected]Participant
heres something i read recently about feeling guilty about leaving him;
firstly hes depressed;
its no surprise hes depressed,since he has habits of blaming other people for his problems and expects to be taken care of. heres the crucial point to grasp; you cannot help him with his depression/mental health while he mistreats you (emotional and financial abuse are just as bad as physical abuse)its impossible to help him. Depressed people cant recieve effective assistance from people they disrespect. there is some chance that he will decide to seek help from himself well ‘because youve left him’ but he wont do it if you ever decided to go back, even if he claims he will.
secondly you might feel that its hard to just let him get on with things at this point in his life; he probably feels like he has faced a traumatic event in his life- loosing you ;this is a bad time for him. But if you want to keep things as they are (that the relationship is over) then dont delay this due to his life circumstances. If the crisis in his life continues beyond that, you need to move on and trust that he will manage. remember that although this may be a bad time in his life for you to leave for good, this is also a bad time in YOUR life to stay.His mistreatment of you is every bit as serious a problem as his mental health and drug addiction.(yes it is) your needs cant keep getting sacrificed to his;and thats what will happen endlessly if you keep feeling sorry for him.
this is what and i quote what lundy bancroft says about this ‘ I’ll do more help to BOTH of us by staying away from him, as i know its time to go/ end this for good’
these arent my words so i cant take credit for them but i think they are a very wise way of looking at this xx ive been there and fekt the same 🙂 much luv diymum
11th March 2019 at 4:00 pm #73971IwantmebackParticipant
You’re right he might not be deliberately using guilt and obligation, that’s because it’s been trained into him at such a young age,it’s automatic behaviour as much as breathing is. He doesn’t think, oh I’m going to act really really sorry and cry a lot so she’ll feel sorry for me and take me back. He automatically behaves like that because somewhere in his life he’s behaved like that over and over to get what he wants and it worked.
You’d have to be made of stone not to care when a man breaks down in front of you, a woman’s automatic reaction to that is to comfort and find a way to make that person feel better, usually to her own personal cost.
You’re right, you just need to get over this hump. Try telling him something like, I see you’re upset, but I’ve not been gone long enough for you to have changed, unless you show me you’ve changed and don’t just tell me you have or will, I can’t see any way for us to be in any sort of relationship, far less one where I feel worthless constantly. Or words to that effect, you’ll know, what and how he made you feel. BUT, he’s careful as I did this with my oh, eventually opened up told him my feelings, what scared me the most, how I hated the derogatory name calling, how his temper terrified me. He now no longer loses it the way he did, his words are the same but he doesnt raise his voice which makes him feel he has the upper hand, as he accuses me of shouting, which I don’t, but you’ll know the scenario, he talks over you in that deadpan tone but won’t allow you to interject, so you keep trying, meanwhile he then starts accusing you of shouting which you’re not but you can see it’s heading that way so you shut up.
LozzyX you’re doing really well, take time out to go over what he’s said and how he’s said it, write it down, it could be a change in tactics.
11th March 2019 at 7:49 pm #73980EbonyRavenParticipant
You have nothing to feel guilty about. He caused his current circumstances by being abusive. Of course he’s upset, he’s lost the person who made his life easier, and who he loved using as a whipping post.
One of the hardest things I had to do, was not open the door to my husband when it was cold and raining and he apparently had nowhere to stay. However, I know from bitter experience that he finds it incredibly easy to be pitiful, and say he’s going to change when he knows things are shaky, but utterly impossible to actually make any effort to do so once I give in.
Sending strength and hugs.
12th March 2019 at 3:21 pm #74022
Thank you ladies, all good advice as always. I am keeping strong and realise he probably isn’t as in love with me or devastated as be professes to be.
He is now acting like an immature child again (so a quick transition from absolutely broken to a sulky brat!!)!… And coming back here reading your advice and other posts reminds me I am doing the right thing xx
12th March 2019 at 5:34 pm #74034[email protected]Participant
Now your talking 😊keep going 💪💪sister 👭💕💕
14th March 2019 at 11:54 pm #74198
I look back at my.orginal post and cringe. Yep was all an act should have known! Slowly but surely I am waking up to his ways and he will not be able to get to me any more x
15th March 2019 at 9:20 pm #74270CheesequeenParticipant
It’s so confusing isn’t it. I’ve just seen my ex for the first time since the split and although ours was an angry outburst rather than emotional (which it previously has been) I didn’t see it coming. I’m led to thinking I have exaggerated everything and I’ve maybe been as bad as he has.
But I know it isn’t true.
I have been using the Youper app to talk through my feelings and learn a bit more about my thought process and it’s been really helpful. I have also been looking over all of his horrible, abusive messages which remind me of how insincere all his talk was, as he’d constantly flip back and forth based on whether I stuck to my guns or not.
Maybe try tracking your thoughts and trying to understand your emotions and feelings again rather than thinking of his? I’ve really benefited from it.
Hope you feel better soon Xx
15th March 2019 at 10:15 pm #74273FudgecakeParticipant
The feeling that you have after leaving is like being on a rollercoaster. I’m still very early stages and miss my ex or I guess the illusion that he created of loving me and being my soulmate.
However, when I feel like I’m missing him I look at photos and holiday video footage taken of him on my mobile phone. Just hearing his voice and looking at his body language towards me in the videos is enough to remind me that i made the right choice to go.
16th March 2019 at 9:23 pm #74333
Oh I’ve been through every emotion this past week , relief, sadness, dispair, grief , anger ..so many emotions
But it’s been a. Couple of weeks now and he has pushed us into a position of having to sell the house but this is a good time to take this opportunity of a fresh start somewhere new near to some of my closest family… Ive spent a lot of time last couple of days looking at new potential homes and for the first time in a very long time I actually feel excited and look forward to the future… My own little home, living by only my own rules, with a beautiful home organised and arranged how I like it and come and go as I please and have ability to save money for nice little holidays again….
I’ve also had lots of support from some fantastic friends … Just didn’t realise how much ppl care.. silly the barriers we build up in our heads that no one would care or would.judge me for leaving my husband etc etc ..
I can confidently say there is no looking back , no regrets..
..not saying I won’t suffer set backs… But with support of friends and family , and counselling, I will get through this and i will be in a much better place very soon
Hope the same happens you all too, and it will if you let it 🙂
16th March 2019 at 10:26 pm #74338CheesequeenParticipant
This is so uplifting! I really needed this tonight. I’m sure your happy and confident spells will get longer and longer.
This made me laugh too because I was literally talking about how excited I am to live in an organised space and I will walk back in to my home the way I left it 💜 I’ve wanted it for so long. Best of luck with your move Xx
17th March 2019 at 10:18 am #74359freedomtochooseParticipant
Hello Lozzy ex,
Just briefly in solidarity and in recognition that this is a journey.
I distinctly remember a time when I had to see ex due to a legal matter which was going on.
I was waiting outside the place and saw him across the road.
Almost involuntarily (he has a physical issue) I felt a wave of sympathy/empathy and ‘oh, doesn’t he look cute..’…
I could hardly believe I was feeling that, after everything that had gone down…
It was clearly what they call ‘traumatic bonding’…
Thank goodness – a part of my brain was still working well, so I immediately picked up the phone to a friend and said ‘I’m feeling this…I’m confused…could you please remind me of all the terrible things this person has done…?’
And the friend did…on the phone…and I returned to myself, the self who is respectful of myself, and my future, and fighting for a better one…’
Just wanted to say that…that you are by no means alone in having these feelings…the trick is to somehow drag them out into the open and see them for what they are…which is one reason amongst many the ladies on here are so important…
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