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My child has only replied to me once in the last (detail removed by Moderator) then posts on Social media that she was with his new woman on a day out.
I’m finding it too hard.
It’s not that I’m bothered what people think of me its that clueless people are spending time with my children while he makes my relationship with them impossible. -
Hi SH
Part of the abuse and the hardest I find to bear is estranging is from our children.
My daughter has had no contact with me for a long time.
My son when he does speak is to abuse.
Like all abusers my ex is very good at looking the victim.
All we can do is stay strong and hope in time they will see what we are and find their way back.
FS xx
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Dear SilkyHalide
I am so sorry for you, and you Falling Sky’s, I don’t have any first hand experience to be able to give you wise words but a lady did tell me recently that children always come back, in the end. I think that it must be so very very hard for you and this is my most feared dread of separating with my husband. I would hope that I could maintain peace and dignity, whilst my heart was breaking, so that they knew they could come to me when the sh*t hit the fan. I am sending you both so much hugs and support. X*x -
Dear SH & FS, i echo Tuppance’s words. Your children will have their own minds and one day will be able to make other decisions without influeence. I do not know either of your stories and why it has come to this. Is there no way at all you could send a card saying you love and miss them? Or start any form of contact? X*X
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Hi HA
Yes I do send little love you messages, I’m here messages etc. Every few days being as careful as I can not to make the messages pressurised in any way.
I mostly get no response.
He obstructs access unless it’s on his terms/ he has control. It’s impossible to co parent because he undermines everything I do/don’t do without his sanction/approval. He condones any undesirable behaviour or boundary crossing in their interactions with me. Allows them to not take responsibility when with me.
I stand up to his unreasonable controlling demands and he twists it to appear that I am being obstructive. He allows them to ignore me and not bother with me because I’ve stayed firm on a boundary they want to cross (yes they are children so they want to cross/test every boundary!)
I remain strong and calm now against his attempts to control me but a period of broken communication with children always ensues. This is what’s driving me crazy as I don’t know if they are ok or if they need me but can’t get through the barriers either. I suspect what he might me saying to them at each period of silence and how they might interpret/ absorb his opinions with no communication with me and how that might make them feel. It’s also heartbreaking to know he is deliberately doing all this for revenge and financial abuse, and the children are being used and manipulated against their own parent. And other adults are consoling them thinking what poor children to have such a terrible mother. -
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It would probably be less painful for me (and better for my mental wellbeing) to not even attempt to play any part in thier lives until they “come back” as everyone says they will. But I feel they need to know (keep being reminded) I haven’t abandoned them and I will not let their dad bully me anymore.
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Dear SH, please forgive me as I know very little about your background or circumstances.
I remember the saying ‘when you are dealing with a fox think of its tricks’. would it work if you handled your ex in any other way? So that you could then have more access to your children. I dont know if it is too late for you to start acting differently (pretending) or there is too much at stake financially or in another way. I remember when I was with my ex and with other people I have known before, I have felt controlled, helpless and without hope. But could not free myself, I was stuck in this s**t. One day I asked myself how i could work with my ex so that I could get what I needed. I think then he was controlling me. So I allowed him to, gave him that rope (to hang himself) and gave him full control which was his preference. Of course in my mind I did not, this was just my tactic to win. I found that I felt better at that point. It may be too late now, but is there any way you can find just an inch in with your ex, this may be all that is needed. Once you get the proper access to the children then you can start building the honest relationship. X*X
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Hopefully I can do that when the financial bit is sorted.
however he is no fool and I am not a liar.
Anything less than full compliance will still cause him to obstruct and I may as well still be with him if I have to fear everything I do or say could be used against me.
I have been giving him rope to hang himself but they are small and short lived victories and another battle ensues. -
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how old is your ex SH, is he in good health? I realize Lisa might filter your answer.
You can always hope that he kicks the bucket, problem solved! X*X
One day something might change in his life which will cause him to loosen these reigns. He might develop health problems and not be able to function or get about. He might meet someone who persuades him to change his mind etc. Or something may happen with your childens though processes.
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I used to wish he would drop dead because I was scared of leaving. And didn’t see a way out without loosing everything.
Now I’ve lost everything anyway….lol so I wasn’t being paranoid. No health is fine.
I still get moments when I wish he would drop dead never in revenge purely because I want the pain to stop and don’t see how he will ever let go. Hope once finances sorted his motives will ebb away. -
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A friend once said to me and it helped me.’ My children’s love for me is as strong as their fear of him’. My children’s fear of the abuser(their dad) also ruled over their love for me.
Your children’s love for you is still there, but unfortunately at this moment in time his control and influence reigns over them but as Healthy Archive said, that things may change and may not always be like that.
The good thing in your favour is that love is stronger than fear ultimately (not at the moment in your children’s lives unfortunately) and love never ends.
Stay strong by posting on here and your children will absorb your strength. The main thing is you are not in denial regards the truth of what your abuser is really like so eventually your children will shed their thick blanket of denial (we all had one) and face the reality of what their dad is like.
My children too are in complete denial of their dad being an abuser (as are our whole extended family group) but his influence and control on them is slightly lessened as they only live with him 50 percent of the time.
Trust and pray that all will be ok in your relationship with your children, meanwhile concentrate on healing yourself and your recovery (from abuse) and living your life to the full.
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My ex has manipulated our son. He’s a young adult. I watch from a distance and he seems happy. I’ve told him that he knows where I am if he ever needs me and I’ve taken a huge step back, I was toturing myself over contact. He has his own life and if me being in it ‘makes his life difficult’ then for my own sanity I need to let it be. Perhaps keeping a journal might help for the kids to read one day when they’re adults and old enough to understand X
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