12th March 2016 at 8:25 am #11311SilkyHalideParticipant
My eldest can’t even bear to look at me.
She’s blocked me on social messengers.
I know everyone keeps saying they will come back at some point but I’m not convinced. They have not seen the mother I should have been. All their lives I’ve allowed him to destroy the mother I wanted to be.
12th March 2016 at 9:28 am #11314StarmoonParticipant
Aww no, sending you lots of hugs. I know it’s so hard but try and focus on building yourself up yourself up. Be kind to yourself. Everyone will see the truth eventually. Xx I hope you have lots of support around you. Xx
12th March 2016 at 11:47 am #11320
Sending you my empathy silkyhailde, My adult daughter blames me and has very much cut me out of her life and only sees me occasionally to see my beloved Grandaughters, My son has ignored me now for over 3 months.
They should appreciate all we have been put through and come alongside us, it is heartbreaking, we get the blame for what the abusers have done to us, both of mine are much more leaning towards their Dad, my Daughter even said to her Dad a couple of years ago, she dosent know how he has PUT UP WITH ME , she witnessed the abuse all of her childhood.
She has told me she has no repect for me and I dont deserve any and that she had no love and care as a child which is an outrageous lie. I don’t know why some children go this way leaning towards he abuser but he speaks so sweetly to her on the phone and never challenges her attitudes or beahvior, yet says allsorts behind her back , same with my son and beacause I have got upset with them and speak of my hurt and again they lean towards him as he plays the nice Guy to them. How is you Daughter with your abuser, are you still with him. Sending you a Hug x
12th March 2016 at 5:03 pm #11339
Hi Silky and Godschild.
This helped me when my kids’ heads were being turned:
12th March 2016 at 5:06 pm #11340
12th March 2016 at 5:14 pm #11341KIP.Participant
Hi there, could it be that she can’t bear to look at you and see the pain and suffering you are in? My son kept his distance when I was going through my hell. Now I’m a different person. I’m fun and happy when he’s about and he sees that now and enjoys coming for diner or just popping in. We tend to reflect off the people we are with. If your children see a depressed traumatised mother that they can’t help. It’s not surprising they don’t have the coping skills for that. It’s easier to be drawn to their dad if he’s the life and soul. I know this sounds cruel but it was my reality. And human nature. Just putting it out there for discussion❤️
12th March 2016 at 7:51 pm #11352
Thanks for those links Serenity
12th March 2016 at 5:26 pm #11343Falling SkysParticipant
Hi and hugs
Look up parental alienation. I heard the expression on here and it hits home. My daughter hasn’t had anything to do with me in over a year, my son is a few months, though he did send me a card and gift for mothers day.
I do hope they will see the truth for what it is one day, but I don’t hold up much hope.
I have let them both know that I love them and if they need me to contact me.
So I just make my own life and stay strong.
I saw my grandson while I was out to day we waved I was so pleased he recognised me.
What really shocks me is the number of women being alienated from their children.
12th March 2016 at 5:40 pm #11344
I think KIP has a point. At least, I think this was true of my kids.
When I was at my worst, my kids couldn’t handle it. I think they needed me to be their stronghold and they couldn’t bear to see me hurting either. They reacted in ways which appeared harsh and uncaring.
But added to this, I read something a few months ago which had stuck in my mind as very true:
That our kids are scared to go against the abuser, because under it all they are terrified of the harm that the abuser will do to them if they stand up to him.
They know what he is capable of, and they are terrified underneath of him directing it at them.
So far better to ‘join’ him and minimise the risk of getting more hurt than they are already.
Weak and unkind though this is, I suppose our kids are very vulnerable and distressed at a deep level, and will do anything to find relief and antiseptic for their hurt.
So they yearn to believe the abuser’s ‘new mask’ ( and let’s face it, he’s only donned the mask to get back
at you and use the kids in this- if he loved them, neither his love or conscience wouldn’t allow him to use them; these abusers prioritise themselves and getting vengeance over their kids).
The abuser is absolutely fantastic and Oscar-winning in his performance, and on many levels very believable.
The kids are like magnets to the parent who seems the strongest, because they feel so cut-up themselves. They feel scared, and need a parent’s strength.
When my kids were ( at first ) being brainwashed by him and taking things out on me, somebody said to me that maybe they were angry at me for not being strong enough to protect them against him. I was in a very bad state. And whilst that is perfectly normal and to be expected after sustained abuse, a child is terrified at seeing this, even grown up kids.
It was at this point that I realised that I was going to fake it until I made it with my kids, to protect them from my fear and emotions, as they were yearning for me to be strong. Without it, they couldn’t be.
It is good that my kids saw me at a low point and working my way back to healing. They need to learn about real issues, real life, but to witness us making brave efforts to win back health, happiness and independence over time, however gradually.
It is good that they saw others help me when I was low, as they witnessed help in action, how it is normal to help those in need ( something their dad certainly didn’t model).
Since my children have seen me as stronger again ( I often fake it ), my eldest has managed to stand up to him, and I am steering my youngest towards sticking up for himself too.
I often used to wonder why all those people followed Hitler. Could they have all been infected by his evil? No, they followed out of fear, fear of what would happen if they didn’t follow.
Note that this is all about the follower’s fear and terror : your kids behaviour is all about their own feelings. Though you are the target, it has nothing to do with you or anything you’ve done. They are just projecting onto you. Hard though it is, don’t let him win by believing it is because of you or that it is your fault: it isn’t. You can go to bed each night with a clear conscience. Xx
12th March 2016 at 7:52 pm #11353
This makes so much sense Serenity
15th March 2016 at 3:42 pm #11555SilkyHalideParticipant
Thanks all, I’m sorry I didn’t see these replies sooner.
I’m feeling much better. And my bright and jolly front when I’ve spoken to them yesterday was infectious. She tried to be withdrawn but ended up chatting away, I could hardly get a word in. 😉
Catching them when he’s not around helps.
Yes I think you are all right. I do think it’s reflection of thier confusion and fear rather than thier true feelings towards me. And when I’m upset she feels guilt and blames me for that. I also think she thinks I’ve let her down over the years.
15th March 2016 at 9:49 pm #11582lover of no contactParticipant
A friend said to me when my children were reacting as yours ‘ Their (my children’s) FEAR of him (abuser) is as great as their LOVE for you.
Your children will adopt the behaviours to appear to be aligning and siding with him (to keep him happy) because of their huge fear of him. Its their way to survive.
Thankfully love is greater than fear so we will win out in the end, if we keep ourselves strong and aware and go minimum ( and Grey Rock Method) to No Contact with our abusers.
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