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    • #50024
      Open my eyes
      Participant

      I am new on here. I am no longer in an abusive relationship but the mental scars are still there. The thing that scares me the most is that I didn’t know I was in one. I never reported anything to police or friends or family. I just got on with it. People say to me, didn’t you report him? As if to say if I didn’t report it, it wasn’t real some how. It was So real and I live with the side effects everyday.

      I have no friends because I don’t trust. I don’t go out, because I’m scared to be alone. If I go out, my sons have to come with me. I will never be the person I was, and I hate that the most and him for taking that away from me.

      Is this normal?

      Help me xx

    • #50026
      iwillbeok
      Participant

      Hi hon and welcome,

      I am sorry to hear you have had such a horrible time and are feeling the after-effects. My abusive marriage was so long-term and subtle. I never reported him (had no clue what I was being abused!) or mentioned to family or friends. What would I have said even if I had recognised it? It had become my ‘normal’ but it was far from it!

      It was only when he escalated the abuse at the end and I had him removed from our home, that I came to recognise the long term abuse and its effects on me. Through lots of reading, lots of support from my family and the wonderful ladies on here, and counselling I have come a long way in regaining my sense of me, of who I am beneath the scars (mental) of his abuse and the reactions I was molded into giving to his abuse.

      Keep posting on here. More will be along to lend their support and advice.

      Take care x

      • #50040
        Open my eyes
        Participant

        Thank you for your message iwillbeok. Your situation sounds very much like my own. You have given me a little bit of hope knowing you have found a way to live a “normal” life once again.

        I feel kind of stuck at the moment as I have been to 4 different rounds of counciling and I have not found it at all helpful.

        Can you recommend any books or anything that you have used to get me on track?
        I really want to get stronger but just don’t know how to.

        Thank you. X

    • #50042
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi there, Living With The Dominator by Pat Craven is a good book and Why Does He Do That by author Lundy Bancroft. The helpline number on here is also good for a chat. What your feeling is a normal reaction to trauma. The right kind of counsellor is really important. Also women’s aid run courses in spotting abusive behaviour so that may give you the confidence to know you won’t be drawn in again to an abusive relationship. I didn’t realise for decades I was being abused. He blamed me for his behaviour and I accepted that but it was all his choosing to be abusive and he knew exactly what he was doing x

    • #50118
      Freedomfighter
      Participant

      Hi openmyeyes, sorry to hear you are feeling no better after counselling. Have you tried writing things down? The things my husband did/said used to go round and around inside and I couldn’t make any sense of it. Was it my fault? Did he do that on purpose? Did I imagine it? My husband was always telling me I was paranoid. My counsellor told me to write it all down in a safe place. Some email it to themselves. I found the patterns and cycles everyone talks about. It’s helped me see the truth, make sense of it and believe in myself more. Also I ask myself how I feel about these new discoveries etc. I find it helpful to sort out my thoughts so they’re not all whizzing about in my head and I’m clearer about what I want to say/ask. Good luck

    • #50134
      Yellow Rose
      Participant

      Hi. I was in a simalar situation to you I never report anything and only after we had been separated for some years I told one person. It’s been years now and all of a sudden I have become angry and wish I had reported him. I am relatively knew to this site and although none of us should be in this situation it is nice to have others to talk too. I have been given some support lines which I will call today. Hope you find support soon too. Take care
      x

    • #50135
      Borntobefree
      Participant

      Hi openmyeyes
      Please don’t blame yourself many of us has been in the same position
      Iam so happy you are free also

      I did get the police involved because I could not take anymore abuse … but I was failed by the law .. I keep fighting to be heard. I never give up without a fight …

      Councilling is the right step forward
      Opening up about the abuse is very difficult. But it makes you feel better .you are not alone

      X

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