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I felt quite proud to tick the box that said I am a survivor of domestic abuse when joining this forum.
I am so fortunate in so many ways. I got to stay in our home with my children, I managed to keep my job.
I haven’t seen or spoken to my expartner since the last assault. He was given a long restraining order and I feel like I have a chance to rebuild my life.
Looking on here led me to read about trauma bonds which explained why I still felt loyal to a man who could cause me and my children so much pain and fear. I felt liberated.
But now I feel like I am grieving again. He went back to his ex partner even though we had been together over a decade. They are on holiday together. I am at home with the children we all have had flu. I feel so sad I don t know if it will pass.
I wanted to post on here because although my friends have been amazing, I m starting to worry that they are getting fed up of me talking about it. I do try to think and talk about other things but there has been a run of important dates and anniversaries on top of this illness which has left me feeling vulnerable and sad. I suppose l’m hoping to find people to chat to who understand xx
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Hello Veryhappy,
Welcome to the forum I hope you find it a supportive place to be. I am glad to hear you are out of the abusive relationship.
The aftermath of an abusive relationship can be very difficult, he did some awful things but he was also someone you loved. Its important to remember that these men never change, they believe they are entitled to treat women badly.It may not feel like it right now but you and your children are better off. He will never be able to have normal loving relationships with other people.
Take care and keep posting
Best Wishes,
Lisa
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Dear Veryhappy,
Well done for leaving him and managing so well at your life. It sounds like you are doing very well and have already sorted out so many things. I am glad to hear that you and your children are safe, have your home and your job. It’s a very good thing that you have that restraining order, it gives you a real chance at rebuilding your life.
I know what you mean by grieving again. I feel exactly the same. I have kept myself so busy, but now that I have a few calmer days, I feel very sad. I also have very supportive friends, and they help me a lot, call me every few days and send me sweet messages. I have the same worries as you, that they will grow tired of hearing about the same problems over and over.
Please do come and post here, I find it helpful because the women here really understand what you are going through.
I’m sorry that you are feeling unwell with your flu. You can be sure that the flu will pass in no time and you will feel better (at least physically). Think about all the things you have achieved already! It wasn’t easy and you did it. And you will be ok again, even if there are times when it doesn’t feel that way. We will all be ok in the end. If it’s not ok yet, that just means it’s not the end yet.
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Thank you for replying to me. I was worried I was being too self absorbed đ
When I heard that he had to do a domestic violence course as part of his sentence I felt excited and hopeful that it might work and we could get back together. Is it true that they don’t change? It’s so painful to know he’s carrying on without me and the children, like we never existed. I believed him when he said that all he wanted was to be a good Dad.
It’s like I’ve been deceived and discarded but part of me still wants him…
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Hi Veryhappy,
You aren’t being too self absorbed at all – I think it is vital to speak/write about all of this, especially with people who have been through similar situations or professionals, and be able to get if off your chest. We have probably all kept quiet about it all for so long. Talking/writing about it is so necessary to try and digest and understand what has happened.
I don’t think I am much help here, but I can almost understand your hope and desire for him to change if he is undertaking a perpetrator program/domestic violence course. I have been very hopeful my ex would change – said he was taking medication and had started therapy and counselling…and I have been so so so desperate for him to change. But he hasn’t listened to what I have said to him and he hasn’t validated my feelings, acknowledged them and still continues to push and push and manipulate đ So, I know he hasn’t changed (it hasn’t been very long time wise though). I don’t know if they can change. I’ve been told time and time again that they don’t. I think it is very hard for them to change, it would take a very long time…and I think if they wanted to actually change they wouldn’t get involved in another relationship for a long time…
Keep posting if you need, take care of yourself x*x
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Hello again! I just wanted to say that the urge to get in touch with him is sometimes overwhelming. I haven’t but I have just sat in absolute tears wanting to call and ask why, how could you do this. I suspect that it s because it’s a pain that he caused and it feels like only he can take it away. Posting here makes more sense then calling him.
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We all know that feeling. Abuse is almost like a drug, addictive. My abuser would cause me to fall into the deepest lows. Then ‘rescue me’ making me feel better again soothing the anxieties he had caused, and lavishing attention on me that he had previously withheld. I still get times when I feel down and want him to make it better. Thing is, he was much better at making things worse and I am much better and safer without him. I have stuck with no contact and things improve. Keep staying strong. And well done for posting on here instead of reaching out to him.
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Hi VeryHappy,
Just wanted to say well done for leaving and I’m glad you and the children are safe.
I hope you’re all getting over the flu now and I’m so glad to hear you have not been in touch.
Regarding your queries and hopes that he will change, I can only say from decades of personal experience that the only change I’ve seen is changing tactics from one form of abuse to another. Yes he promised to change and for a time I wouldn’t see that particular behaviour again or he would try to stop drinking etc. However the control, manipulation and lies never stopped, he just changed the way he did it, changed the definition of words like lie and affair so that he could put his hand on the Bible and swear to me he wasn’t lying or having affairs. My husband believes he has a right to behave as he does and that the end justifies the means. I know it’s hard, especially when you have invested so much time and effort and love them so much. But keep researching and finding out all you can about abuse. Once you realise that the person you love is an illusion he’s created to draw you in and keep you there it slowly starts to make sense and becomes easier to let go.
They create a fantasy world for us, once they’ve won our hearts they stop pretending and we’re left with reality. We don’t like the reality of who they are, what they’re capable of, so we cling to the fantasy and it’s hard to let go.
It’s so hard now, but you are doing brilliantly and it will get easier. Concentrate on yourself and the children. I wish you luck and send hugs -
Thank you! The urge to call him was almost overwhelming at the weekend. Thankfully I had a realisation in time. If what it took to stop his abuse was me telling him I love him, that I have faith in him, that his children need him that we can a wonderful future then none of this would ever have happened.
Those are the things I need to hear. I need to love me and have faith in me. My children need me and I can have a wonderful future. I am feeling stronger. Thanks again for listening!xx
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