Hello – (removed by moderator) years out of relationship and finally seeking support

[Fallingleaves]

Hi everyone

I’m new to the forum. I left my long term relationship (removed by moderator) years ago with young child and baby of few months. It was not an amicable separation and am in a cycle of abuse (verbal/threatening violence) followed by silence and eventually amicable communication from children’s father.
When I look back there was emotional abuse throughout our relationship (and some mildly physical early on) but it wasn’t continuous so I’m having a hard time calling it abusive and am constantly doubting myself. He recently became threatening again (threats of physical violence to me and new partner) I’ve finally spoken up about it a bit more and I have supportive family and friends but I feel quite lonely with it as I don’t feel like I have anyone who has been through similar/can really understand. I guess that’s why I’m here!
I think I’ll post in the survivors thread since I’m out of the relationship but I just wanted to say hi here first. Also, just reading everyone’s posts is really helpful. I admire every single one of you here who are speaking out whether in or out of an abusive relationship and sending everyone lots of care and love, god knows everyone needs it!
Thanks for reading

[Anonymous]

Thanks for posting. Well done for getting out.
My DD now a teen and it has been a long journey.

It takes time. I feel many would recognise that thing of being on automatic pilot and not having the space to process and then passing through another head space where perhaps you can start to process.

I seem to have wafted in and out of that for a long time, most recently thrust back in it with settlment proceedings and now a bit shell shocked still and experiencing disbelief that the legal thing is over. I’m finding it really weird.

Suffice to say going through phases is normal for us. And yes, I for one get how important it is to ‘talk’ somehow to others. When I went through the leaving I felt like I was the only person on the planet this was happening to. And even now feel that sometimes.

It must be really hard with a little one. But there are blessings and challenges, so I do hope your days are filled with more blessings than challenges.

[Fallingleaves]

Thank you StartingOverAgain for your reply!
My days are definitely filled with more blessings than challenges. Especially when my ex is being amicable. I just wish he didn’t still have such an ability to dictate my emotions. It’s definitely changing and getting easier but when he is being abusive towards me I feel so hopeless and like I’ve been sucked right back in!
I completely feel the same as you about sometimes feeling like the only person on the planet it’s happening to, so that’s reassuring to hear.
Thanks again and take care

[Lisa]

Hi Fallingleaves,

Welcome to the forum. It’s great to hear you have some friends and family that are aware of your situation and can help, however it’s always good to get perspective and validation from others who have been through similar and can relate.

You’ve mentioned that your ex-partner has recently become threatening again, so it’s important you know there is further help with this if you need it.

You can speak to your local domestic abuse service, who can offer emotional and practical help. They can go over your options with how to deal with any on-going harassment or threatening/abusive behaviour from your ex-partner. This is a free service, so use them on-going as you need. Don’t feel unable to report any of this to the police. At the very least, your creating a record of what is happening and evidence if needed.

You may want to talk to DV Assist who specialise in injunctions. You can ask about getting a Non-Molestation Order, which is a court order to prevent your current or former partner, or other family member, from using or threatening violence against you or your children. It can also prevent your perpetrator from intimidating, harassing or pestering you. A Non-Molestation Order is usually granted for a fixed period of something like six months but can sometimes be granted for an indefinite period.

I hope this is useful. Do keep posting to let us know how you get on.

All the best,

Lisa

[Fallingleaves]

Thank you Lisa, that’s really helpful.

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