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    • #81287
      scaredycat
      Participant

      Hi. I’m new to this.
      I’ve just left my husband. I left from hospital where I had been for a month as he had made me very ill. I only had a bag of clothes and could hardly walk so it has been hard. I am now in a safe place and feel frightened, exhausted, overwhelmed and also relieved!

    • #81289
      KIP.
      Participant

      Wow. How brave of you. Welcome to the forum where you will find lots of support. Well done for freeing yourself. Recovery is a real rollercoaster so take all the help offered. Be very kind to yourself and take tiny baby steps. Sending you a 🤗 and all my positive thoughts at what I know is a horrendous time but you will get through this x

    • #81290
      Fudgecake
      Participant

      Welcome to the forum. Sending you positive thoughts for a recovery from your illness and hugs for making a brave decision .

    • #81311
      scaredycat
      Participant

      Thank you Fudgecake and KIP. Your kind welcome means a lot.
      The problem I’m having now is a lot of sexual abuse that I had kind of blocked out/normalised seems to be almost more distressing now than when it happened. I’m not sure how much to say really, but maybe it will get clearer.
      It is amazing to have found this forum and to realise I am not alone but also horrible to realise how common it is.

    • #81312
      KIP.
      Participant

      Hi, are you receiving counselling? I found that once i escaped my brain had more time to run through what had happened to me and process the real danger I was in. When we are with an abuser the trauma we are in limits our headspace. I think that’s why we continue to stay because we just cannot work out what’s happening to us. Google trauma bonding. Rape crisis have a helpline too and the ladies are wonderful and supportive and can advise you as to local help x

    • #81325
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Dear Scaredycat

      A very warm Welcome from me too.

      Take your time, theres no rush. You will need time to process everything.

      Just now all you need do is feel safe, and know you can do things when you’re ready, at your pace.

      I am so sorry to hear you have been so unwell, and i send you huge strength an healing or your new future….free.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

      • #81417
        scaredycat
        Participant

        Thanks for this.
        I looked up trauma bonding. Yes that makes sense, as much as anything does.
        He’s been telling me for past few years that I switch personality and lose time and forget things including conversations we supposedly had. Guess what, I don’t!And I’ve asked trusted friends now who say I am always the same person. But I really believed him. I do think I was zoning out of the most abusive times so in a sense he was right but causing it. It is all so confusing though. But I know I’m not forgetting things now ( I mean no more than anyone does:)
        I hope you are doing ok today too.

      • #81418
        scaredycat
        Participant

        Thank you.
        It is hard to believe things can get better. I feel physically and mentally broken and like a husk of my former self.
        Thank you for responding. x

    • #81420
      Twisted Sister
      Participant

      Me too Scaredycat

      This is why i say you are not alone in this.

      Yes, to also feeling like id lost my mind, memory, and point! Also, identify with feeling totally broken.

      The abuser takes you through a lot of stages of breaking, and in recovery we hopefully regain that [once] lost ground.

      I hope so for all of us.

      Warmest wishes

      TS

    • #81423
      KIP.
      Participant

      Try looking up Gaslighting. It’s another tactic abusers use to make us question our own sanity. Have you read Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven?

    • #81424
      EbonyRaven
      Participant

      Hi Scaredycat and welcome. I’m glad you have found your way here and very glad to hear that you are in a safe place now. I hope you are able to cut contact with the abuser.

      It will take time of course, but things will get easier.

      We are here to support you any time.

    • #81428
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Hi scaredycat and welcome to the forum, it’s good you found it, I know it’s been a lifeline for me.

      You are so incredibly brave leaving how you did, be proud of yourself for this, it’s such a hard thing to do and then you had health issues on top. Well done x

      We do tend to normalise the abuse, because it becomes our reality, it becomes normal to us, and I think our minds will try and protect us when we are in it. I know I had many eye openers and revelations after I left. It was on this very forum that I realised my ex had sexually assaulted me, just from writing out memories I never spoke of and suddenly was coming back now that I was away from my ex. It was also reading about the abuse other survivors endured that I will suddenly go “hang on, that happened to me too”. I can’t talk about it as in actually say the words out loud but I can write them as if in some way I still struggle with full acknowledgement. Perhaps writing it out would be helpful to you too?

      You’ve been put on a journey through no fault of your own but you can recover. I truly believe the women on here who share their stories and know there is a life after abuse for us, that it does get better. I’m not that long away from my ex but I’ve started fighting back writing complaints and considering legal actions so that’s a big change from the woman who used to obey his every command out of fear. I’m also noticing I don’t worry so much about how he is feeling anymore – I spent a long time after the break up wondering how he was feeling and how I could make it all go away. So it does get better and it’s okay that it will take time. I see it as getting to know myself again. You can, too.

      Keep posting on here, it helps “getting it out” x

    • #82555
      scaredycat
      Participant

      Hi again.
      My main problem was sexual abuse.
      Early on he got me to agree to having sex every day and this continued for (detail removed by moderator) years. It was uncomfortable and sometimes painful for me as I had to do exactly what he wanted. He also wanted degrading sex which I won’t put up here because it is too bad, and he wanted to be able to have sex whenever or wherever he wanted. He also wanted me to have orgasms and got angry with me because i didn’t. I started self harming and running away in a kind of tranced out state and thought it was due to a previous rape ( years ago). He ‘supported’ me through the treatment I had for this, but whenever we had a session together he would ask me why i wasn’t having orgasms in front of the counsellor to embarrass me I think, and would tell them bad things about me. I asked him not to do one or two specific things ( eg come up behind me and surprise me) and he acted like this was a huge problem and that I was controlling his every move. Apparently this was some kind of deal and if he did ‘what I wanted’ ie not do the things that were specific rape triggers, he expected me to do what he wanted. He kept expecting sex and to be able to touch me all the time even when I got really ill with cancer and a heart problem. He told me I had four different personalities and I lost time and didn’t remember things. Since I left him I’ve asked a few people close to me, and this is not true. But I believed him. I trusted him and told him all my secrets.
      He told me I was going to die, but ‘he would be there till the end’. it was all wrapped up in a kind of twisted caring and he presented this act that he was looking after me but in fact when we were alone together he would ignore me, or insult me and then get angry that I wasn’t affectionate enough or ready enough for sex. I ended up wishing I could die soon and stopped taking my heart meds because I was so depressed. I feel mentally destroyed by him and am struggling every day with flashbacks and every night with nightmares that wake me up. Thanks for reading this, I’m just trying to get it out somehow.

    • #82560
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Hi Scaredycat,

      That was really brave, to write it down like that. It made me cry to think of what you’ve went through, and I just want you to know that I admire how you were able to leave and it’s very good to know you are in a place of safety now. He has warped and twisted everything, hasn’t he. You name a boundary of yours and he expects you to break another boundary in order to respect that first boundary. What’s really hitting home are some of the similarities to my story that I too find difficult. I don’t talk about it, I’ve only broached the topic on here on occasion. My ex would also tell me I had split personalities and it was also expected of me to be enjoying sex. For the last two years, I faked it every single time because I was so scared he would assault me again as he had done in the past when I had been honest and said I hadn’t orgasmed. He sometimes hurt me during, once enough that I was still spot-bleeding the next day. He often pulled down my pants so I’d be naked from the waist down whenever he wanted. On that day I had been at work when I noticed I was still bleeding, I had nothing but tissues to put there. I will never forget how much he laughed when he pulled my pants down and saw that tissue that was only there to stop the bleeding he had caused. I’ve never told that to anyone before, I still feel so much shame having been caught with tissue down there like that.

      He would call me controlling all the time, too. But it’s not controlling to not be in the mood for sex every day, it’s not controlling having boundaries and asking they be respected. Having to do a deal to have your boundaries respected IS controlling. I’m so glad to read that you are getting help and that you can rely on your friends to tell you the truth, the truth he twisted to keep you manipulated. I hope you are taking your heart medication because your life has value and worth. Have you been given something to help you sleep? There is a mantra I tell myself every night before sleep “I am safe, he cannot harm me here, I am safe” – sometimes I think it helps keeping the nightmares at bay though they do return, but maybe it could help? KIP’s advised me in the past to do mindfulness and I find various videos on YouTube where I do feel I sleep better after than without them. Are you receiving any councelling or help from your GP with this?

      Keep posting, you are not alone x

    • #82591
      scaredycat
      Participant

      Thank you so much AlwaysSorry. It feels like we have been through some very similar experiences and I am so sad that that is true and your truth is so dark too.
      I’m feeling a bit choked up right now but will say more soon. But thank you for sharing and making me feel less alone. ( I used to say sorry all the time too…by the end sorry and thank you were the only things that felt safe to say). x

    • #82597
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      And “please” – always had to say “please” too. Thank you for sharing, too – take good care of yourself, lots of self love now and keep posting whenever you feel like it x

    • #82624
      scaredycat
      Participant

      Hi AlwaysSorry.

      In fact a couple of friends have nicely pointed this out to me, that I say sorry too much.
      Maybe you have had the same thing?
      It was brave of you to share your experiences too. Do you think that the shame gets less as we are open about it?
      I have been referred for some counselling by GP which should start soon.
      I’m really interested that you had the same experience about being told you had split personalities.
      Did you believe him too? I wonder if this is a more common tactic than you might expect. I do feel I did zone out during the sex and put on a fake front that got me through it and it sounds like maybe you did too. I kind of hid behind this, imagining it wasn’t really happening to me.
      I feel I’ve got to rethink everything I was thinking for the last years. Brain in a bit of a whirl.
      Have a good day. x

    • #82625
      blue eyes
      Participant

      I just wanted to say I am so very sorry you all have gone through this. Always sorry I feel for you having to endure such degrading and humiliating experiences. How appalling that he pulled down your underwear and laughed.So traumatic. Its awful. I understand what you and Scaredy cat are describing as I have had similar experiences.One ex wanted to penetrate me with objects, he raped me when I was asleep and when he was having sex he used his shirt to cover my face. He and a second ex used to come up behind me and pretend to have sex with me pushing themselves into me. The second ex would grab me between the legs and was always quick to lift my skirt up and (detail removed by moderator). So just saying I understand. Sometimes you feel bewildered like did that just happen, and you feel confused.

    • #82626
      blue eyes
      Participant

      I was told by my first ex that I was warped and I was too sensitive.

    • #82630
      scaredycat
      Participant

      I can’t talk yet about some of the things he did. But I’m hoping to in counselling.
      What you experienced was horrible and the trauma runs deep.
      Purple hair, what have you found has helped you?

      x

    • #82693
      blue eyes
      Participant

      Hi I think during the first relationship I was so confused and fogged I sort of didn’t realise how abusive he was. It was just like a roller coaster with me trying hard to please him and keep the peace. He did lots to me i am going to post over on the disability pages too later. I thought it must be me etc you know the usual. I was with him over (detail removed by moderator) years. The second relationship was a few months but I recognised the signs. What helped me was this forum, a website called Psychopath free, another called Out of the Fog.I read loads on the internet and books.Why does he do that? by Lundy Bancroft is very good. I did the Freedom programme online too. I went to Rape Crisis and did the Recovery Toolkit. I also did some training with them to volunteer. I found the women there brilliant they were the first people who listened and understood.During my relationship I had tried to tell friends they just did not get it they either thought I was crazy, making it up or exaggerating. So on some level I knew it was not right. I was very shy lacking in confidence before I met him he made it worse.During the training we had to give a presentation in front of the others about 50 people in all in order to pass. I could never have done something like that before being with these women. I spoke for twenty minutes using a power point presentation describing my relationship and gaslighting etc. I did go to some support groups with other agencies that I didn’t stick with I did not feel comfortable there or supported so I left. I got rid of my unsupportive “friends” too who were making things worse with their lack of support and abuse. I shifted the focus to me. I didn’t know who I was what I wanted or liked. I was scared of getting on a bus, I didn’t go out I had gained weight etc. I wrote down all the hobbies I used to like and what I liked to do. I made a list of things I wanted to do. I started to volunteer in a few places, where I could use my love of history and art and filled my time with things to do. I started to eat properly and cook from scratch and I started to go for small walks each day. I try to spend some time in the garden and in parks, I look after the birds and I like spending time with neighbours’ dogs. I concentrate on myself I get massages i get facials I keep busy I do housework( I used to just sit on the sofa and stare and worry all day) I take all my tablets for my health problems now ( I used to forget to take them I was so distressed). I had to force myself to do all these things partly to stop ruminating partly because my health had deteriorated so badly the doctors were concerned. I want to live and I don’t want to waste any more time. I have spent years being depressed and feeling horrible. I have no close friends now but I have work colleagues and I talk to people all the time. I am more confident, I go out to concerts cinema and theatre and talks by myself. I would never have done this before. I have to be self reliant, there is no one there to do it for me. I am sometimes lonely but now it is very very rare for anyone to call me names or be abusive. I would say it would be unusual if that happened now and that is not what my life used to be like. I was surrounded by people making fun of me or being horrible. I used to accept it put up with it now first sign I disengage. I am learning all the time and still healing all the time, and I still constantly go over everything that happened but things are improving, maybe one day I might make some genuine friends but I am still wary.

    • #82702
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      Hi there scaredycat,

      Yes, there was one friend who stayed my “secret” friend throughout my relationship with my ex. He didn’t want me to talk with her, but I sometimes found ways to without him knowing. She has made it a rule now that I am not allowed to say sorry to her at all. It’s a hard habit to break when nearly every sentence started with sorry, please or thank you.

      Sometimes he would put me down relentlessly for hours until I’d “snap” and say something back to him. He would say I had a split personality for doing so and was causing/escalating/initiating an argument. Those arguments were really just him assaulting me while putting me down some more. Afterwards, there’d often be sex. And then a long talk about how he was only ever trying to get the real me back, that my split personality had come out so he needed to put it back in place to get the real me, the me that he could love, back. It’s really hard to write this because I felt he was right. Because I could be calm, I could sit quietly perfectly well behaved, but there was only ever so much I could take and then I’d just either tell him to “shut the f*** up” or call him a name back. Or if he was throwing things at me “playfully” I’d just sometimes get enough and throw whatever object it was back at him. Or if he was towering over me shouting insults at me, spitting on me, I did sometimes push him away. And so it made sense when he said I became someone else because I did. And so when he said I deserved the assaults or had caused the assaults, I sometimes think I did. It’s really hard to explain though that there is only so much “perfectness” I could portray. Coming home shattered from work with him having been off all day and done nothing but play console games and then being expected to cook dinner for him, do the dishes for him, do his laundry – and I just did it 9 times out of 10 to avoid his punishments. But every so often I just couldn’t take it anymore and would ask “you’ve been home all day, why haven’t you started on dinner” or something similar and then I wasn’t perfect anymore.

      Pulling down my pants was humiliating enough in itself, but that one time with the tissue and him laughing at the injury he had caused, I’m so ashamed. I don’t know if it helps talking about it, I hope it will, but that was the first time I ever told anyone and I’m crying now thinking about how yes, that actually happened. And I can hear his laugh.
      I’m ashamed of having faked it for so long with him but I was terrified because of the reaction he had when I had been honest and said I didn’t enjoy the sex. He threw me on the floor, split my legs apart and pointed down there and said I should be grateful that anyone would even rape that. And yes, I had once experienced a sexual assault that he knew about and he made me feel like I should be grateful for it. Ever since then I wouuld lie in whatever position he told me to, I would let him inspect me before and afterwards, I would even pretend to laugh when he’d pull down my pants and underwear, I let him do whatever he wanted and even stopped saying “no” when he did things during that I did not want him to do – he would do it anyway and I was so scared of being thrown onto the floor like that again. Right now it doesn’t feel like talking about it helps because I’m just sobbing like mad now but maybe that’s a good thing, I’d like to think with the right trauma therapy we can all be helped x

    • #82815
      scaredycat
      Participant

      Purple heart. Those are some good suggestions, and it sounds like you have really engaged with trying to recover very creatively.
      I’ve been wondering about massage. Part of me would really like to be touched in a non abusive way.
      A way I am in control of. Are you able to enjoy it?

      Alwayssorry, I think we might have been married to the same man! Mine also liked to pee on me and liked me to have sex outside ( hoping someone would see, he was an exhibitionist). I felt totally humiliated, but I see you are describing that feeling too. It hurts so much doesn’t it?

    • #82881
      AlwaysSorry
      Participant

      It really does hurt, yes. I remember 3 different male police officers wanted to fill in a DASH with me and whenever they came to the sexual questions, I just went from sobbing and crying to perfectly calm saying no that had never happened. It didn’t matter much in the end as I was continously deemed high risk but that aspect of the relationship took me a long while to allow myself to see what in fact had been going on. And what I had done to endure it. I had that revelation on another forum thread on here, my brain somehow decided to remind me that I had said no to him and no to him often and back it all came. The two stories I’ve shared about it with you on here, that is the first time I’ve told anyone but I hope speaking of it will take away the shame and hurt I feel.

      They do sound alike, don’t they. So often they do, so often they use the exact same tools and tricks. It makes me wonder how anyone could ever victim blame or doubt us. Mine would sometimes be messaging his friends and colleagues during, telling them what he was doing with me. But then I think he only did that to humiliate me so much that I would stop asking to meet his friends and colleagues. And ashamed I was.

    • #82930
      blue eyes
      Participant

      Scaredycat, Yes I find the massages relaxing and soothing for my pains and I often go to sleep. I had to try a few therapists before I found one that I felt comfortable with. I tried mindfulness and meditation but that wasn’t for me but it doesn’t mean it won’t work for you. What makes me calm and relaxed is doing a spot of gardening, or just sitting looking at flowers. I enjoy buying bunches of them and arranging them in vases. I like sitting and listening to water features and wind chimes. Local museums have craft sessions for children in the holidays and I enjoy helping out with them. They always want volunteers and animal charities. Have you heard of Future Learn? They are free courses you can do online. They are quite good and interesting. I like to read and do painting by numbers -you can buy kits on amazon. Sometimes museums have adult craft sessions and painting classes. Places like the National Trust and English heritage always need tour guides. I like learning languages this relaxes me and watching Mathew Bourne ballet productions makes you drift way.

    • #82932
      blue eyes
      Participant

      I just wanted to add having lots of lavender plants around are very calming and smell beautiful.
      (YouTueb links removed by moderator). 

    • #82952
      scaredycat
      Participant

      That’s encouraging. I might try massage. Lavender, mmn.
      I’m starting the Freedom Programme on Thursday which feels quite a positive step.
      xx

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